I wish there was something I could say and hopefully someone will be able to give you better advise then me but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. My Dad put my Mum through a very similar situation (although far more cliched in that there was another woman) where he just completely changed and became this self absorbed person I didn’t recognise any more (I was 21 and just back from Uni and living at home). He left all of us (I didn’t see him for 7 years) not just my Mum and he’d been a great Dad before that so I know people can just throw everything away like that in some kind of midlife crisis!

To be honest he never went back to his normal self, he’s a bit more normal now but he is not the same person.Its scary and devastating when someone can just change like that.

Do you have a friend who isn’t a gossip who you can talk to. Its not good to go through this with out someone you can be weak with for a bit and then go back to being strong.

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this, its awful, unfair and you don’t deserve it and you are awesome, and strong and better than he deserves!

Sending hugs your way Rennie. It seems like the problem is his and not yours. Do not stop working on yourself. Like Eris said, you’re the bright one. You’re the awesome one. You do not need to break out of your skin to recognize your self worth. He does. Focus on your kids. Meditation: I joined a meditation class after my recent relationship breakup. For that hour, in the company of others, I am at peace. It is a leaned skill, and being guided helps me. Yoga has been another amazing help. The focus yoga requires to ignore the pain your body feels is amazing and rejuvenating.

Like you, I did not see it coming, and like you, journaling helps. I’m writing about it here if you care to read http://hurtheartsyndrome.com

Hug!

best,

Rahul

Dear rennie:

I like how assertively you acted after his drunken verbal assault.

After he returned home, sober, he asked you what changes you intend to make, that is, he referred to his complaints when drunk as valid, while no longer drunk? And since then he is still standing by those complaints?

Seems like he feels like breaking all the rules. I am almost tempted to refer to his condition as a Mid life Crisis although I don’t like these kinds of terms. He feels like he had enough of “playing by the rules”- like a teenager.. does fit in the category of mid-life-crisis.

You wrote in your original post: “He is questioning who he is, his purpose, and is trying to recapture his youth by growing out his hair, etc.” – indeed just like a teenager, questioning who he is, his purpose… growing his hair.

You may want to google “men in mid life crisis” and see what comes up. Maybe there are websites dedicated to this. Probably there are books on it. You may get other women’s experience with this phenomenon and what they did in their lives to be helpful to you. Read critically, of course.

Would you do that and get back to me?

anita

Rennie,

High road. Hmmm. I don’t know, 22 years and a high road? Why do women consider themselves nag’s if they express what they want? I wish she’d expressed her needs to me. I love her, and I would’ve attempted anything to make changes so that her needs were fully accommodated and her feelings voiced. Perhaps if she’d told me what needs I wasn’t fulfilling, I wouldn’t have lost her. You’re not a nag if you sense danger and ask for openness and honesty. You’ve got growing evidence, triggers and all that jazz. But you’re not a nag if you tell your husband that your needs are not being met. If you truly love someone, you go to them, you sit them down, and you speak from the heart. If they love you, they listen with empathy, internalize what they’ve heard and give authentic feedback. I wish she’d given me this opportunity, because no matter how far inward I look now, I can’t fix it. I can’t undo what she’s done. And I want to. More than anything.

You have a long history here, and children. It’s easy for outsiders to juxtapose reasoning without the context of your life. Rennie, men, us, we’re stupid. We’re selfish. We don’t get how you feel sometimes. We don’t necessarily understand the complex emotional beings women are. Not always. I apparently did not. If you love him and value the integrity of your family unit and your many happy years together, don’t let a silly mid-life crises end it. If you understand what’s missing from his prana, you might find that he can manage his emotional changes better. Don’t let ego end it without attempting to dig deeper and find out openly and honestly what’s at hand. Get a third party involved. Don’t worry about what people say, this is your family. Hair, whatever. It can be cut later. Or not. What does it matter? Don’t let it get harder without first attempting authentic conversation. It might hurt. You might now like what he has to say, but I think you’ll be wiser for it. It’s not your sole responsibility to manage your household snd you shouldn’t be a doormat, most certainly not. That’s just ridiculous. If he does not have the courage to open heart and speak with sincerity, integrity and honesty, then perhaps you could start the process. I’m not mired in any sort of mid life crisis, but as human with the XY chromosome and being bereft of deep understanding without prodding, I wish she’d pushed harder to sit me down and hear what she was missing. Perhaps I wouldn’t have lost the one person most valuable to me. If you find that he’s on some antiquated and cliched quest to find his childhood youth and that he doesn’t value what y’all have built together, at least you’ll know and you can make an informed decision and speak to your children about such soulfully, with reason and integrity.

Just sayin’, and I hope I’m making sense. Safe travels!

best,

Rahul

Rennie,

I’m so sorry to hear this, and I totally understand. I’m so full of anger with my own situation that I want to destroy them both. I get emails from her weekly adding to my misery. She defends him, tells me how much better he is than me. She saw him while I’m covering all her bills, paying for everything, loving her from my heart. So, I understand your anger. I sent nasty text messages to him, I call him a reptile in my blog, I called his work. As I write this, my anger grows.

Yesterday, a friend told me that her spirituality guides her to do the right thing even in the face of someone doing wrong to her. She says she tries to create good karma by doing this. It resonated with me.

When she emailed me yesterday, I did not respond with anger. I just asked that our business be concluded so that I could move on. I told her I welcomed the new pain this email caused and that I would grow from it.

I’m doing my best to not let my anger break down my dignity and my spirituality. It’s incredibly hard. It hurts. I feel anger, humiliation, fooled, taken advantage of. I’m trying to focus on the fact that it wasn’t me who did anything wrong. It was them. They’ll pay for it when then stand in front of their maker. So, think of your children, and your dignity and spirituality.

I hope this helps, and I send much compassion your way! I know it will get better for us.

best,

Rahul