Feeling like a pot that's boiling over...

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This topic has 15 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Rahul.

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May 18, 2016 at 12:52 pm #104928
Rennie
Participant
My husband has been my best friend for 20 of our 22 years together – the past 2 years we’ve been drifting apart, and he’s being going through some changes, from physical to emotional, while I’ve tried to be supportive. I even saved up and surprised him with a trip to Europe last summer to re-kindle our relationship. He is questioning who he is, his purpose, and is trying to recapture his youth by growing out his hair, etc. Out of the blue about 2 months ago he got drunk and decided to tell me what changes I needed to make, what he needs me to do, and it was extremely hurtful and frightening and very out of character. After that he apologized for scaring me and told me how depressed he’s been, so I made a doctor’s appointment for him, which he reluctantly went to. He told the doctor he was handling things on his own, and when he needs help he knows where to get it. He had never ever raised his voice to me in 22 years before that night (and hasn’t since). It’s been very tense ever since, because I lost trust in him and am having a hard time forgiving the hurt he inflicted on me. Last week, he left me to “find out who he is”. Since then, we’ve had several conversations, and I’m extremely hurt but supportive and understanding (but not a doormat). We have 3 wonderful school aged kids who adore both of us, and this came as a shock to all of them. We never fought, so it isn’t like they knew something was wrong between us. We just weren’t communicating. He wasn’t spending as much time with them as he did, and they did notice that he was going through something, but none of us knew he was going to walk out. Now he is regretting it, because he misses the kids, and the stability of our home, and he feels very bad. But as I pointed out to him, he really hasn’t mentioned me in most of this. When he spoke about coming home, I said he would need counselling, and we would need it as a couple as well. I don’t think he will do that. When the conversation ended I didn’t get the feeling that he really wanted to try, it was just an effort to get back what he gave up, and he regrets hurting me (I think because it makes him feel bad, not that it makes me feel bad). He has become a very self-absorbed person, he is so different it’s almost unbelievable. I am being so much stronger than I would have dreamed I could be, and practical, but fall apart at the drop of a hat when I’m alone. I am avoiding people because I don’t trust my emotions. No one in town even knows we aren’t together, none of my friends have any idea we had problems. I can’t stand the idea of being gossiped about. And this is crazy, but I don’t want to have people think badly of him, or pity either of us. There are no counselling services here, so I’m journalling, praying and meditation to get through this. I guess I just feel like I have no one to dump all of this on, and that I’m carrying the load all on my own. The one person I always relied on to help me through rough times is the person who’s responsible for my pain right now. My family is there to talk to by phone and email, but live on the other side of the country, and all I really want is a hug. I’m being strong for everyone, including him, even though he’s created this mess, but there is no one being strong for me. I’m off-loading right now here (which feels better), but if anyone has been through this, do you have any suggestions on how to cope on your own?
- This topic was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Rennie.
May 18, 2016 at 3:08 pm #104940

Eris
Participant

I wish there was something I could say and hopefully someone will be able to give you better advise then me but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. My Dad put my Mum through a very similar situation (although far more cliched in that there was another woman) where he just completely changed and became this self absorbed person I didn’t recognise any more (I was 21 and just back from Uni and living at home). He left all of us (I didn’t see him for 7 years) not just my Mum and he’d been a great Dad before that so I know people can just throw everything away like that in some kind of midlife crisis!

To be honest he never went back to his normal self, he’s a bit more normal now but he is not the same person.Its scary and devastating when someone can just change like that.

Do you have a friend who isn’t a gossip who you can talk to. Its not good to go through this with out someone you can be weak with for a bit and then go back to being strong.

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this, its awful, unfair and you don’t deserve it and you are awesome, and strong and better than he deserves!

May 18, 2016 at 3:20 pm #104942

Inky
Participant

Not to be That Person, but it IS possible there IS someone else. This is just like my Dad!! It turns out there WAS someone else! Even if it’s not a person, SOMETHING triggered him. “My life sucks. You suck.” What the heck was The Trigger? He will deny, deny, deny. But what was it? Seeing his best friend bust out of The System? A conversation with his first love? Seeing a certain movie? Reading an old journal? What?

May 18, 2016 at 4:50 pm #104953

Rahul
Participant

Sending hugs your way Rennie. It seems like the problem is his and not yours. Do not stop working on yourself. Like Eris said, you’re the bright one. You’re the awesome one. You do not need to break out of your skin to recognize your self worth. He does. Focus on your kids. Meditation: I joined a meditation class after my recent relationship breakup. For that hour, in the company of others, I am at peace. It is a leaned skill, and being guided helps me. Yoga has been another amazing help. The focus yoga requires to ignore the pain your body feels is amazing and rejuvenating.

Like you, I did not see it coming, and like you, journaling helps. I’m writing about it here if you care to read http://hurtheartsyndrome.com

Hug!

best,

Rahul

May 18, 2016 at 6:25 pm #104966

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rennie:

I am sorry you are so distressed, understandably.

If you’d like my input regarding what is happening with your husband, and take it from there, will you elaborate on what you wrote in this sentence: ” Out of the blue about 2 months ago he got drunk and decided to tell me what changes I needed to make, what he needs me to do, and it was extremely hurtful and frightening and very out of character.”

What did he say? what changes did he say you needed to make? What did he say he needs you to do? What did he say otherwise that was extremely hurtful to you???

anita

May 19, 2016 at 7:22 am #105021

Rennie
Participant

Inky:

Something you wrote turned a little lightbulb off in my head. I think the trigger may be that our best friends broke up out of the blue, (she left him) and my husband was very angry with her about it. His friend has now moved on and has a young (and very nice) girlfriend. The changes in my husband started not long afterward (maybe a coincidence). His brother also left a 20+ year marriage a few years ago, and married a beautiful, kind and younger woman last year, and they are blissfully happy. Sure sounds like a trigger to me, I’m so surprised I didn’t see it myself, but thank you for helping me see what may be in his mind. I’m extremely sad, but if this is what has driven the changes in him, then there is nothing I can do about it, but get myself to a good place and move forward one step at a time.

May 19, 2016 at 7:36 am #105024

Rennie
Participant

Dear Anita,

Without going into complete, gory detail, some of the things he said to me were that I was messy, I am never home to cook meals for him or our children (both of which are basically false. I work full time, am on various committees with our kids’ activities, yet almost every night have dinner ready for everyone. Our house is tidy, but sometimes things are left lying around my others, I don’t think it’s my job to clean up after EVERYONE). I know that sounds defensive, but I just want to point out that I know most of what he said is not true, just very hurtful. He also told me I’m a prude, I’m mean to his mother (we have a good relationship), I’ve made fun of his family, I need to do something about my weight besides complain about it (after 3 kids I have some extra weight, but I’m not what I’d call fat), I could go on but by now I believe you probably think he’s a real jerk. None of this was ever said to me before, he was very supportive and wonderful and I have no idea what made him snap that particular day. He went very caveman, saying no one tells him what to do, he’s the man, things like that. Needless to say, that night he did not spend at home. I called his friend over and told him to make sure he kept him away for the night because I would call the police if he showed up at home. The next day when he was sober and came home, we had a talk and I told him I would never let him speak to me that way again. This was a one time only deal, and it was only because I was so blindsided. He apologized for scaring me, he asked what changes I wanted him to make. I didn’t have much to say about that, because I know that it is his way of being able to justify his comments; if I’m hurtful, then we are even and it would assuage his guilt. I also told him I am who I am. Anyway, it’s a bloody mess. It would be so much easier if he’s just been an @sshole on a regular basis. Because he was like a different person, I’m still trying to figure out where my husband went.

May 19, 2016 at 7:42 am #105027

Rennie
Participant

Eris and Rahul: Thank you for the virtual hugs. and the kind words. It’s funny how much strength I feel with the support of people I’ve never met.

Rahul: Thank you for sharing your thoughts in your blog. Reading your journey is cathartic for me.

May 19, 2016 at 7:53 am #105031
Inky
Participant
Hi rennie,

AAAHHH, we found The Trigger, which is this:

You are supposed to stay with the same person forever, because that is what Love Is. But two of your friends/family broke The Rules. AND it worked out in their favor!! Interesting ~ he is mad at your female friend for leaving!! That is because YOU could leave HIM!

It’s like he was “brainwashed” (his thoughts) into thinking everything was fine, but those crazy friends broke the rules and are with the loves of their lives! So he is all conflicted!!

Now he wants the veneer of a gorgeous home, a five course meal and a thin(ner) wife!!

This may pass, like the common cold, but it also may not. Now the internet will tell me some of my advice is WRONG, but here’s what to do until he’s over this dangerous phase. I haven’t “been there” but I’ve SEEN IT. I’ve done some of these accidentally and noticed a difference!

1. A vacation to clear your heads
2. Don’t see the friends for a while, nice as they may be
3. Have professional photographer take head shots of you. You know, you’re all made up, hair done, black and white, face close up, enhanced, etc. Hang it subtly yet prominently so he HAS to see how gorgeous his wife is EVERY DAY.
4.Always have the house entrance neat, the kitchen clean, laundry put away and beds made this year. Now, I know this is NOT FAIR. We are just going to get him out of this mid-life crisis PHASE.
5. Bring something new and wonderful in your lives to DISTRACT him! Season tickets to his favorite team, golf (men love golf) that type of thing.
6. When I’ve gotten a new “look”, a new hair style, or even my nails done, my DH freaks out a little inside. “What’s going on??”
7. Walk around with a bounce in your step and a smile on your lips. He will wonder what’s making you so happy!!
- This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
May 19, 2016 at 8:19 am #105040

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rennie:

I like how assertively you acted after his drunken verbal assault.

After he returned home, sober, he asked you what changes you intend to make, that is, he referred to his complaints when drunk as valid, while no longer drunk? And since then he is still standing by those complaints?

Seems like he feels like breaking all the rules. I am almost tempted to refer to his condition as a Mid life Crisis although I don’t like these kinds of terms. He feels like he had enough of “playing by the rules”- like a teenager.. does fit in the category of mid-life-crisis.

You wrote in your original post: “He is questioning who he is, his purpose, and is trying to recapture his youth by growing out his hair, etc.” – indeed just like a teenager, questioning who he is, his purpose… growing his hair.

You may want to google “men in mid life crisis” and see what comes up. Maybe there are websites dedicated to this. Probably there are books on it. You may get other women’s experience with this phenomenon and what they did in their lives to be helpful to you. Read critically, of course.

Would you do that and get back to me?

anita

May 19, 2016 at 11:36 am #105076

Rennie
Participant

Hi Anita,

This was something that I’ve thought about. I have looked it up, and he has all of the classic markers of a mid-life crisis, and I pity him for that. It seems that it’s really a western society phenomenon, maybe because we are so self-indulgent and coddled, and think we should have whatever our hearts desire.

I think the thing I’ve taken away from the women’s stories is that there’s not a lot I can do about it, and it can last for 3-10 years, or he may never snap out of it. Although I love him deeply (at least who he used to be), and the last thing I want is for my family to break apart (my kids don’t deserve that), I also know in my heart that living the way we have been, with me making all of the concessions, he doing nothing to repair our relationship, and me stumbling around in sadness all of the time, is exactly what I don’t want as a role model for my kids. I don’t want my daughter to think it’s ok for a husband not to love, respect and care for his wife, and that she has to continue to live that way if she ever finds herself in this situation. I don’t want my sons to think it’s ok to do what makes them and them alone happy, with no thought for their families, and that their wives should be treated this way. He definitely wants to be 25 again. He isn’t and he’s embarrassing himself in front of his colleagues, the town (I’ve had to listen to comments like “when are you going to get your husband to cut his hair?”), his friends, and worst of all, his children. One day I think he may wake up and be full of regret, but I’m not sure I’ll be there waiting. I can only wait so long, because I have a lot of living to do. I’m a little frustrated right now, because I see our cellphone bill, and his is double mine because he has sent out 1,030 text messages this month to my 133, and I use my phone for work as well. Clearly there is more going on than I know. Maybe he is cheating, although he swears he isn’t. Maybe it’s sexting, maybe it’s spilling his guts to his friends, who knows? He doesn’t seem to want to tell me the truth. I haven’t confronted him about this yet, because I just found out, and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to as I’m away this weekend. I also don’t want to be a nag, because right now we are trying to figure out our next steps apart. I do know I will need him to explain it at some point. I’m trying so hard to be understanding, to be kind, to take the higher road but I tell you, it’s getting harder and harder.

May 19, 2016 at 7:23 pm #105112

Rahul
Participant

Rennie,

High road. Hmmm. I don’t know, 22 years and a high road? Why do women consider themselves nag’s if they express what they want? I wish she’d expressed her needs to me. I love her, and I would’ve attempted anything to make changes so that her needs were fully accommodated and her feelings voiced. Perhaps if she’d told me what needs I wasn’t fulfilling, I wouldn’t have lost her. You’re not a nag if you sense danger and ask for openness and honesty. You’ve got growing evidence, triggers and all that jazz. But you’re not a nag if you tell your husband that your needs are not being met. If you truly love someone, you go to them, you sit them down, and you speak from the heart. If they love you, they listen with empathy, internalize what they’ve heard and give authentic feedback. I wish she’d given me this opportunity, because no matter how far inward I look now, I can’t fix it. I can’t undo what she’s done. And I want to. More than anything.

You have a long history here, and children. It’s easy for outsiders to juxtapose reasoning without the context of your life. Rennie, men, us, we’re stupid. We’re selfish. We don’t get how you feel sometimes. We don’t necessarily understand the complex emotional beings women are. Not always. I apparently did not. If you love him and value the integrity of your family unit and your many happy years together, don’t let a silly mid-life crises end it. If you understand what’s missing from his prana, you might find that he can manage his emotional changes better. Don’t let ego end it without attempting to dig deeper and find out openly and honestly what’s at hand. Get a third party involved. Don’t worry about what people say, this is your family. Hair, whatever. It can be cut later. Or not. What does it matter? Don’t let it get harder without first attempting authentic conversation. It might hurt. You might now like what he has to say, but I think you’ll be wiser for it. It’s not your sole responsibility to manage your household snd you shouldn’t be a doormat, most certainly not. That’s just ridiculous. If he does not have the courage to open heart and speak with sincerity, integrity and honesty, then perhaps you could start the process. I’m not mired in any sort of mid life crisis, but as human with the XY chromosome and being bereft of deep understanding without prodding, I wish she’d pushed harder to sit me down and hear what she was missing. Perhaps I wouldn’t have lost the one person most valuable to me. If you find that he’s on some antiquated and cliched quest to find his childhood youth and that he doesn’t value what y’all have built together, at least you’ll know and you can make an informed decision and speak to your children about such soulfully, with reason and integrity.

Just sayin’, and I hope I’m making sense. Safe travels!

best,

Rahul

May 20, 2016 at 6:06 am #105135

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rennie:

You read like an exceptionally reasonable, logical, clear thinking woman. I appreciate your concern about being a healthy role model to your children. You taking the high road was a good experiment, as I see it. The result or the experiment: no results. So I would abandon the High Road and take control of the situation.

I hope you care less and less what the town people think, hope it is not a top concern, and so you will do what is right for your children and you regardless of what other people will think.

Taking control of the situation is something like talk about divorce. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will no longer live with this and that behaviors, and that divorce is on your mind. Maybe you can already take the first steps toward it. Make it so that it is least disruptive to your children, so that their father will be able and encouraged to spend time with them all through the process and after.

Please do post again:

anita

May 27, 2016 at 11:20 am #105807

Rennie
Participant

Just an update and asking for advice. I found evidence (emails) last night that he is definitely cheating. and it’s with the person I suspected. I’ve felt guilty thinking it, because he of course had denied it. Now I have the proof, and although part of me is relieved to finally know, the other part of me is devastated. I had hoped to remain friends, work things out where I didn’t take what I’m entitled to, but instead just what I need. Now my anger is taking over, and I want to destroy him. He is being so nice to me, and I know now that it is a way to manipulate me into letting him off easy. He doesn’t yet know that I know. Worse, he is the principal of a school and this is a teacher assistant, and my 12 year old son attends that school. She is off on mat leave; my husband told me a while ago it was his cousin’s baby (mmhmm). Good Lord, this is such a soap opera, and so cliche. The other woman even had my daughter house sit for her for a week at Christmas. My middle son is her daughter’s friend. I’m sick about this. How do I try to remain calm and reasonable when I want to tear out their hearts and make them suffer like I am? When my kids find out they will feel so betrayed. Not just because of the cheating, but because they all have had involvement with her while she and my husband had no concern about breaking up our family. I’m so enraged, and I need advice on how to get clear of my anger before I make things worse. My lawyer appointment isn’t until next week, so I have to figure out what to do on my own.

May 27, 2016 at 11:38 am #105808

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rennie:

The first thought I had as I read your update is to abandon the plan to not take what you are entitled to, only what you need. No, no, no- do take what you are entitled to!

I wrote to you earlier that I am impressed with your clear, logical thinking and I still am, although these are very trying circumstances and your anger is …well, I feel angry myself reading your update, thinking: how dare he do this, hurting you and his children and creating this soap opera in a social circle where you and your children have been involved before all this.

So, your anger is intense, understandably. Overwhelming at times, must be… And so there have to be two plans in the making, I am thinking: a logical plan and of no lesser importance: an emotional plan. The logical plan has to go hand in hand with an emotional plan so that your understandable anger doesn’t cloud your functioning.

If you have that self control required to see him being nice to you knowing he is trying to manipulate you being nice- that’s one thing. If you can’t handle it and your anger is too intense within this very dynamic, maybe you can let him know that you know, so that he can drop the act.

There are different elements to the logical and emotional plans: from separate sleeping arrangements (already done?) to him moving out ASAP from the house (?) to contacting the pregnant woman/ school…

Let me know if you want to work those two plans here. If you want to work those plans privately and you need my input about these, let me know.

My goodness, what an undesirable development. I am sorry you are going through this. Please do post again here. If it helps, if it can help, I am more than willing to continue here for as long as you wish.

anita
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