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feeling inadequate because of looks

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  • #105772
    vidalevi
    Participant

    I know this topic would have been discussed a lot- I feel so low because of my looks. Lets say I love myself and I’m fine with the way I look. But the moment I step out with my friends who are pretty in conventional way in our society(tall, thin, very fair with long hair), I feel very inadequate. When we go to restaurant, they are asked for orders first, they are served first etc. People don’t even care that I’m also present there. Guys take a second glance at them and never look at me. They are pretty and beautiful according to the standard and hence they are married. I have been rejected many a times by lot of men only because of looks.
    Whenever this happens, I spiral down and I feel that I’m nit good enough. The feeling may remain for a day or two, but it is there. And to overcome these two days is like a herculean task.
    I’m single and scared that guys may not even be interested in knowing me beyond my looks and I may never have a man by my side. On the top of it, I’m in my mid 30s and I’m not getting younger anymore.
    Any thoughts on how to reinforce myself in situations like this ?

    #105774
    Geo Elbereth
    Participant

    Dear Vidalevi, you state in the beginning of your document that you love your self and you are fine with the way you look. But from the rest of what u say its seems to contradict your former statement. I am not gonna sugar coat it for you, I personally believe that beauty is most of the times subjective, and charms and confidence are more important in the means of presenting yourself and make others wanna meet you and be around you, and maybe thats what you are truly missing…
    Maybe try to strengthen your confidence even in practical ways, try exercising – boosts confidence and endorphins a hormone that makes you happy 🙂 , honor and care for yourself try to change your hair, change your wardrobe – make up, change your perfume. do all those little things that can make you feel better about yourself.
    But all those little things mean nothing if you keep feel sorry about yourself and compare yourself with your friends. Who said that tall blonde women are the most beautiful? Please google Dita Von Teese or Maria Menounos or Salma Hayek 🙂
    Maybe try to write a paragraph of all the things you like about yourself and built on those, celebrate yourself and devote in your personal growth and happiness. and even if you will never feel “pretty” enough wear your imperfections as a crown! and trust me others will follow your lead
    Besides guys that only look for “looks” are usually not the “keeper” type 🙂

    #105776
    Maria_L
    Participant

    Hello vidalevi,

    we can all say and pretend ‘look doesn’t matter’ but many of us have been in your skin many times. I have always been struggling with my weight and also my complexion, and better looking girlfriends are just… everywhere, everywhere…lol 😀 They certainly don’t make stuff easier 🙂

    Maybe it’s just a matter of perception though, but in many occasions I find myself analyzing couples… And maybe I am wrong, but I get the feeling that ‘the average looking’ ones, are happier and last longer than ‘the model looking’ ones. Maybe it’s because there is something stronger holding them together but the physical attraction (which in time fades away).

    And what if you try different approach? My sister is passionate gamer for example (she is 28, not a teenager…lol), and she met her last two boyfriends in the ‘gaming’ community.. I can assure you she had much better luck than few of my other girlfriends who go out with ‘the pack’ and try to meet guys the classic way (clubs etc). There are many options today where you don’t have to be among other girls, and your true personality can shine through. I met my current partner online, we contacted via skype for a while, and we were friends for few months first. And yes, he was normal, average looking guy who doesn’t stick out from the crowd, but he won me by earning my respect first… And we are together for 8 years. If you have hobbies and interests, you are passionate about something, maybe you can use that common interest to join a group, forum.. etc…And meet new people like that 🙂 Us, girls, have to get creative sometimes 🙂

    And one more thing… one of my (male) cousins once told me:

    ‘You girls are lucky… You are short-you put on high heels. You have bad complexion- make up does wonders… You have little extra ‘weight’- there is shape-wear, tailored clothes.. And the hair can work magic for you!! (I know… long blond, curly hair was my ‘forte’.. lol ). Us guys… we don’t have much options 🙂 ‘

    He was right 🙂 I am sending you my best wishes and positive energy, and never ever feel bad about how you look.

    P.S. I used to struggle with weight so much, tried every pill, diet, work out, just to look better. Now I battle anxiety, I work out 2 hours every day almost, and haven’t even remembered to check how much kilos I have lost for 3-4 months. I don’t care now, really. Just wanna be healthy and happy. Looks really doesn’t matter and it’s not a pass to love and happiness.

    #105777
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi vidalevi,

    I agree with the previous two posters:

    1. Celebrate and enhance what you have by hair, makeup, clothes, jewelry, perfume, exercise… Not to combat anything “lacking” in you, but to have fun with it!! People are like magpies, and will cast second glances your way when you are happy and sparkling!

    2. Change the venue. Nice mature guys go to church, clubs (yacht and country!)… Youthful ones go to comi-cons, ren-faires, gaming as mentioned… Try Dog parks… Community events…

    Let’s face it, we are too old for going to the club now and to be in the meat market… Tell people you know you are Single and Looking, and have them introduce you to the nice neighbor, cousin, workmate, etc.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #105780
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hiya
    I suffer from this. However the truth is, in my humble opinion looks really aren’t everything. It is all very shallow. I am female with short hair and I feel like the odd one out, however the people who like me, like me for me. As has already been said, lots come be done about appearance. Improve yourself so you feel good about yourself. Appearance is really adaptable.

    #105785
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear vidalevi:

    A simple solution to the scenario of going out with “tall, thin, very fair with long hair” women friends is go out with women who are not tall, thin, fair with long hair. There are plenty of women in the second category!

    I often go as deep as possible to the core of a problem but I am also aware that working on a problem from the outside in is necessary. So if a particular situation brings you trouble, avoid that particular situation. You can meet the tall, thin etc. friends in a private setting, not in a restaurant, and the second group in a restaurant.

    anita

    #105868
    Mimi
    Participant

    Don’t go to clubs where there are only men trying to get laid. Go to places that satisfy your hobbies or interests – take classes in things you like (or think you might like), go to art galleries or lectures, etc. Do things you like and that make you happy. When you are happy, you will be at your best. Even if you don’t meet someone for a relationship, you can make friends or just learn and enjoy new things.

    When you are living a life that you love, that’s when you will find a person who will like the real you. Don’t be desperate or panicky about it. Just enjoy life and then when it is right, it will work out, with the right person for you.

    #105869
    Mimi
    Participant

    p.s.

    Now that I am reading the other replies more fully, I realize that there were many good replies before I wrote. All of the suggestions about things to do, places to go, etc. are right on the mark!

    Think about things you really love, or would like to try. Even if you do them by yourself, that will build confidence. Or bring along someone who isn’t just a magnet for the looks-obsessed guys.

    Have fun and you will be more beautiful, both to yourself and to everyone!

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