Hi Jane,

The great thing about having friends and relatives is they can ask your DD, “What are you doing for your mom on Mother’s Day?” or “Wish your Mom a Happy Birthday for me!”

As long as you call her yourself occasionally she will not feel resentful, much less forget those special days.

Some men have their secretaries remind them of these days. Why don’t you enlist a “secretary”? Yes, I know you want it to come from her, but a little reminder (if she’s innocent) or indirect guilt bombing (if she’s guilty) will go a long way.

Hey! OTHER people remember, let them assume over the phone in conversation with her that she’s doing something special for you.

I know how it feels when my birthday is forgotten or overlooked. I GET IT! No card even, just an acknowledgement is all I ask.

Inky

Dear Jane:

You wrote: ” kids are just hardwired when they are born, we can influence and guide them as much as possible, but in the end they are who they are.”

Babies brains are not formed yet when they are born. It takes years for these brains to be formed, for the brain to mature, for connections, millions of connections to be made. This is why childhood years are called the Formative Years- because their brains are formed.

Children’s brained are formed (the connections made) as a result of interactions with the main caretaker/s.

Children are not born hardwired. Scientifically, it is not so.

anita

Hi Jane,

My brother is a look like your daughter, and my mother has gone through what you are going through before. My mother accepted what was happening to her, because it was either that or just get angry. The only difference is that my parents have never really given my brother (or myself) money for anything. My brother also lives away from home and we rarely see him, only when he wants to get stuff off his chest, because no one else will listen to him. Heck, we weren’t even invited to his 21st!

That’s the background, and this is my perspective on your daughter, deep down…she feels ashamed of herself, maybe even guilty. She probably doesn’t tell you much because deep down she is afraid that you are judging her. You have paid and supported her through everything, yet she might feel that with that comes a responsibility of being an awesome daughter, and she is failing herself because she might think you have grand expectations for her. It’s like she has an inferiority complex around you. Like my brother, your daughter might be internalizing all of this, irrespective if it’s true or not. Does she think the sun shines out of everyones butt but yours? My brother does this all the time, calling people he hardly knows family and friendly or lovely people, and yet slags off at his actual family for being too demanding. Your daughter might be quite a different person when she is with you. She might feel vunerable because you are her mother, you know everything. That’s why she might not call or come over much. She might hate the fact you know her too well. That’s why my brother has never introduced me to his friends, we never knew he had a girlfriend for months before she appeared at our door. My brother feels he is bulletproof with others, not with us. It may well be a similar case with your daughter. I believe that’s why she blew up at you, she hated being made to feel guilty. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t call often, and she only calls when she wants something. Having a reason, is better than no reason, otherwise you might ask something harmless like “did you finish that essay? or how are your marks?” and she will not know how to handle it; “is mum going to judge me for this?” she might wonder. It’s all in her head, you love her, warts and all, but she probably doesn’t see it that way. She is building all these mental blocks in her head. I found with my brother, he distanced himself so much that he couldn’t feel like he was being judged, watched or made to feel guilty. And now, because your daughter knows that you know she only rings when she wants something, she might feel this is the standard convention from now on.

DO NOT TAKE THIS AS YOUR FAULT. My mother raised us two boys by herself, she stopped working so that she could look after us. We both lived under the same roof, and we are so different that i sometimes wonder if he hit his head on something and forgot about the 18 years mum raised and supported us. Recently mum went into day surgery, and my brother didn’t even ask how she was. My mother stopped telling him things, because in the end she felt that expecting him to say something was worse than anything. Mum hasn’t given up on my brother, she just isn’t punishing herself for the way he has turned out. Honestly, no matter how much love you give your child, they are ultimately in control of who they are. All we can do is hope that they realize its not them against everyone else.

You are not being petty. You feel left out in the cold, neglected and all you want is to be acknowledged. I totally get that. Although your daughter might seem like an adult to you, she may not feel the same way. I don’t know what you can do to solve this, since nothing has worked on my brother. I feel that eventually he will realize that he has messed up, that life isn’t all about him, that he wouldn’t be anything without his family. I reckon this is the case with your daughter. Maybe try to start a dialogue with her, when she speaks to you next time. I feel the main thing is for your daughter to initiate conversation, not you. I only ever speak to my brother when he wants to speak to me, not the other way around. It’s like he needs to be in control of the terms and conditions of our talk. I reckon do the same with your daughter, because they may think they are in control, but they really aren’t.

The opposite, would be to start taking things away from her, stop financially supporting her in some facets of her life. Maybe then she will realize how much you give for her to be able to live comfortably. I reckon this is extreme, but you know what they say: you never know what you got till it’s gone.

I hope this helped you a little, If you have any comments or questions, please continue this thread.
BUT seriously, it’s not your fault.
MAtty

Dear Jane,
what a complex topic! I want to write so much I don’t know where to start, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. I hope the shortness won’t make my post look offensive.

First of all, in general, you have a daughter to be proud of: „she now has thankfully turned around, is at uni and has worked through summer“. Not everyone gets to this point after a troubled past.
But your relationship with her is not what you have hoped for: „I guess I am feeling that now she is an adult, that she would appreciate all that I do for her, and expected as least some comeback and a closer relationship.“ Am I right in thinking that the birthday mess was just the tip of the iceberg for you? It sounds to me like your relationship was never that close. Would you like to write more about how it was when she was a child? A teen? Were you close then?

As for getting closer in the here and now, unfortunately kids don’t magically change when they go to uni. And though I usually like to read Mattys posts, I disagree that cutting her allowance will get you closer. You can’t „buy“ (either with money or with doing stuff for her) that closer relationship, it has to develop. If you tell someone directly or indirectly: „we give you money so you have to love and respect us and act like we want you to“ how do you think that person will react? And further if you take Mattys advice and say „We don’t give you money until you love and respect us“ how do you think that will go over? Will that make your daughter care for you? Will she feel she can rely on you and that you love her no matter what? The only way I see a closer relationship developing is by changing yourself and the way you communicate with your daughter. I know it sounds wrong: why should ‘you’ have to change? But I think it is really the only way to go. I suspect you allready know a lot about communication, judging from how you talked calmly with your daughter after the birthday mess. Still I strongly recommend that you check out „Feeling good together“ by David Burns. (And no, this is not about you becoming a dormat for your daughters tantrums! Not at all, it’s rather about understanding her and make her understand you.)

Lastly I wonder if you can recall what your daughter said when she blew up and made you feel guilty. I am sure this is uncomfortable, but can you recall it word for word?

Why is it so important that she remembers your birthday? Do you not feel loved? Love is not something that need always be proved, give it freely and get it freely.

I guess I am feeling that now she is an adult, that she would appreciate all that I do for her, and expected as least some comeback and a closer relationship.

What sort of relationship do you want with your daughter? Why are you waiting for her to start it? Call her, meet with her, talk with her, show you care for her. Get the relationship you want by actively pursuing it. Go places together, spend time together, don’t wait for it to happen, don’t grieve when she forgets or messes up. Forgive her, Be there for her whenever she needs you, spend time with her whenever you can, the costs don’t matter. Ignore all the rest, you are getting in your own way. The time the two of you get to spend together is priceless. If it’s costing you too much, find a less expensive way to spend time together, make her dinner at your home, go to a movie, on a hike, spend time at the beach, go for a walk in the park, etc. The possibilities are endless.

Relationships only deteriorate because we expect something in return. Only give as much as you are able, what comes without expectations attached to it. Give for the sake of giving, find joy in the good it brings.

…