Home→Forums→Relationships→Feeling humiliated
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April 19, 2016 at 7:17 am #102207LoveAndLiveParticipant
So, this is a weird situation. I used to like this guy who is presently dating another batch-mate with whom I was on good terms till a few days back. Since college is going to end, we recently had our farewell party with almost everybody in attendance. There this guy and I got talking and he kept hanging out with me and a couple of other friends of mine and I sort of by-the-by blurted out about my feelings for him. I had no prior intentions of doing so, however, in that moment, I just felt like telling him since it’s now the end and it was just an innocent crush. I expected nothing out of it. He took it very sportingly and I made him promise that he would keep it to himself. And even after this, he kept hanging out with us, got us drinks and when his girlfriend came to call him for a dance (which she did, about thrice), he didn’t go. Next morning, amidst the heavy hangover, everyone and everything seemed fine. However, since a couple of days, his girlfriend, with whom I was on good terms earlier, started behaving in an odd fashion with me. She would look through me and barely responded to my greetings. I started getting the hunch that the guy probably did spill the beans about that evening to her. Yesterday, this girl, confronted my friend (who also happens to be her roommate) about that evening and it turns out that the guy added a whole lot of exaggerations to the story, somehow making it seem like I desperately wanted to date him and that my friends were trying to facilitate the same, all of which are white lies. The two of them had a fight, and I feel miserable about the whole episode.
It was just an innocent confession and nothing else, and the incident took place in the presence of four other friends of mine and we all laughed and joked about it. And that was probably just 1% of the conversation. We spoke about a whole host of things, from getting jobs after graduation to feminism. It was an absolutely healthy interaction and there wasn’t even flirting involved. I feel extremely humiliated because this guy seems to be telling all sorts of lies about this to his girlfriend, who also evidently thinks ill of me now. I trusted him with my feelings and thought he would respect them. On the contrary, he has just cooked up some nonsense and has probably told his girl about my desperation and how despite everything he (obviously) isn’t interested in me. I did not confess about my feelings with the intention of jeopardising his relationship, neither do I want to get involved with him. I have another month before college ends, and I hate this feeling of hostility from those two and their cohorts. I can’t enter the dining hall because I feel everybody’s stares on me like I’m some sort of criminal (maybe it’s all in my head, I don’t know) and I know as a matter of fact that there is a group that is saying all sorts of nasty things about me (I have previously heard them speak of people they dislike and it was disgusting). What have I done to deserve this? I have been one of the most low-profile people in college and now I am caught in this mess. I feel disgusted and humiliated and don’t know how to deal with this!
April 19, 2016 at 8:01 am #102217AnonymousGuestDear Kaushambi:
Regarding your friend or ex friend at the moment (the guy’s girlfriend)- you can show her this very post that you wrote here and my suggestion that you show it to her. If I was her, by reading this very post that was not meant for her, I would believe your innocent intent in blurting out to him that you had a crush on him, and that the matter was exaggerated.
Even though your intent was innocent, obviously, it twas not a good choice to tell him, so I would apologize to that friend as well. It was not a good choice because he had a girlfriend.
anita
April 19, 2016 at 8:53 am #102225InkyParticipantHi Kaushaba,
I like Anita’s advice.
There are a few other little things to do to mitigate this.
1. In the dining hall boldly sit where they all are and say, “Of course I had a crush on X. Why should I be different than anybody else? Who at this table doesn’t love you, X?” Say with a wink and a smile. Meet each person’s eyes, glance at X and inconspicuously shake your head and roll your eyes.
2. Change the subject to what everyone will be doing after graduation.
3. Come up with a new story or rumor. Your grandmother’s illness. You’re stressed about student loan debt. Your HS boyfriend want to move in with you after graduation and you don’t know what to do. So if someone is still hung up on your confession they will look like an idiot because you are handling a true Crisis right now.
4. Pull each person in the friend group aside individually and privately and say that after your confession there are a lot of untrue stories and versions of how it happened going around. Tell them the boring true short version. “After four beers I told X I had had a crush on him. That’s about it.”
5. OWN the dining hall! Sit where they are. If you get weird looks say, “You’re still talking about that? Wow, that’s old news. That crush was archaic. Think Freshman Year. What have you been telling them, X?”
Good Luck,
Inky
April 19, 2016 at 9:08 am #102229LoveAndLiveParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your advice. The situation turned messy and now she refuses to look at me. She wasn’t a friend, but it’s okay I guess. I don’t think having a crush on anybody is wrong and the guy is the one she should be questioning because he ended up flirting and hanging out with us and getting us drinks despite his girlfriend being around. I’m not really that close to her and don’t think she would want to see this post at all and she would only think that I am trying to portray her boyfriend in bad light since she’s more likely to believe his version of the story than mine, considering I’m not even a close acquaintance. But, I could give it a shot, I think. I don’t think the awkwardness will get any better, but I’ll try and make it up to her as much as I can.
Thanks so much for your time and advice. 🙂
Kaushambi
April 19, 2016 at 9:12 am #102230LoveAndLiveParticipantHey Inky,
Thanks so much for your advice. My friends know what exactly happened and as for the others, they will say what they have to say, so I can only do as much to prove that I did not have wrong intentions. I’ll try explaining to people and I really like the point about sitting boldly in the dining hall. I really should do that. Thanks a ton for your time. 🙂
Kaushambi
April 19, 2016 at 9:20 am #102232AnonymousGuestDear Kaushambi:
You are welcome! I agree that having a crush on anybody is not wrong. Only telling that guy while he had a girlfriend was unwise, as it turned out to be a mess. And I agree about his girlfriend not wanting to read in this thread about her boyfriend buying you drinks etc.
Hope this mess will settle and people move on…
anita
April 19, 2016 at 10:59 am #102239LoveAndLiveParticipantYes, Anita. I really hope so too!
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