Where do I begin? Well I am currently 5 months pregnant and I’m feeling hopeless because of an on and off relationship I have been in for about 2 years now. Before I met this guy I felt I had things going for myself. I went to school in a beautiful city and had a job and great friends. I was pretty happy except I was extremely homesick. Long story short, I fell for a guy back home. I had always had an attraction to this guy and there was something about him that always kept me coming back for more. Eventually we began a relationship and at first he treated me like I was the best thing to ever happen to him, constantly telling me how much he loved me and that I was so beautiful on a daily basis. I never felt like I needed anyone’s approval to feel good about myself but when he lifted me up every day I felt like the luckiest person on the planet. I was struggling to pay for school and I really wanted to move back home despite how much I loved my school so I made the decision to move back home so I could be closer to my family and of course my boyfriend. I was so in love and for some reason I put my all in to this guy. He convinced me that he would always love me and I could always count on him to be there for me. As time went on I noticed changes in his behavior towards me, he would withhold affection and act different for no apparent reason and I would start to think I must’ve done something for him to treat me this way. I would confront him about it and he would tell me theres’s nothing wrong and that I was making things a big deal for no reason. It was always an excuse. When I started to realize this person was intentionally hurting me and making me feel like I was getting upset over nothing, I was already so attached and the thought of being without him crushed my soul. He had me wrapped around his finger and I would do anything for him. I stopped hanging out with certain people and my life became so enwrapped with his. He never flat out abused me but I felt he played games with my mind and made me slowly start to question who I was. He would accuse me of being with other people or make me feel guilty for simply wanting to go out with my friends. I never game him a reason to not trust me but he always made comments questioning my character. Everyone I knew could see right through him and they wondered why I would keep running back to someone who didn’t care how he hurt me emotionally. I don’t understand why I wanted so badly for him to love me the way I love him. I was there for him when he went through a hard time, I helped him financially and in any way I could. I felt like we could depend on each other to get through our struggles and he convinced me that I would never have to go through things alone. Sure, our relationship wasn’t perfect but I felt like we loved each other so much that we could get through anything. When I found out I was pregnant, I was honestly scared and I knew it wasn’t the right time in my life. I was still in school and living at home. Our relationship was rocky and I knew having a baby wouldn’t make everything magically okay. Even after considering my options, I knew I wanted to be a mother and I already felt a connection with the little soul inside of me. I cried every day thinking that I couldn’t just choose to not be pregnant, I had to be strong and pull myself together. My life was no longer just mine. At first, he was so supportive. He held me when I would cry and told me no matter what I chose, he would be there for me. I believed every word and I trusted that I could count on him. He was happy and promised me every thing would be okay and now we could be a family. Every time he took care of me I fell in love more. The only problem was that it was never consistent. I walked on eggshells and noticed myself avoiding things that I knew would upset him because I just wanted us to be happy together. I slowly became an emotional wreck and whenever he would say he was done with me I would show up at his door begging him to stay with me. Looking at myself, I don’t know how I could ever let myself get so low. My happiness started to depend on him and the way I felt about myself depended on the way he treated me. When things were great he treated me like a queen. Lately, our fights got worse. He’s pushed me out on the side of the road, pregnant and barefoot in the middle of the night. Every time I take him back and he doesn’t even apologize anymore. He’ll constantly tell me he doesn’t need me and that he’s done with me. I go crazy and he’ll look at me disgusted and say why would he want to be with someone like me. He plays the victim and if I do something he doesn’t like he holds it over my head and tells me that I do this to myself. He never does anything wrong, it’s all me. The sad part is I believe it and I just keep coming back for more. I don’t understand how I can believe he loves me after the way he treats me. The whole time I’ve been pregnant I’ve been an emotional roller coaster and he tells me that I’m dramatic and I use the “pregnancy excuse” too much. I’ve never begged someone to treat me the right way ever in my life so why now? Just last night I went to his house crying and asking him how he could treat me this way when he promised to be here for me no matter what and that I would never have to worry. He saw messages on my Instagram account between my sister and my mom about me being tired of the way he treats me and said I was talking crap about him. I also texted an old ex back because he wished me a happy birthday and my boyfriend told him I thought he was annoying and to leave me alone behind my back. It hurt me because I am not that kind of person, I don’t treat people that way and my ex is a nice person who isn’t trying to get back together. The whole time I was at my boyfriend’s house he told me he was disgusted with me and that I needed to leave and he never wants anything to do with me ever again. He even accused me of not actually being pregnant with his child. He told me to go cry to my ex and that he didn’t care for me anymore. The reason I feel so hopeless is because how can I still love and want to be with someone who can treat me so amazing and literally the next day call me names and treat me so ugly. He promised me so many great things and every time I tried to leave he would plead with me telling me things will change and he won’t treat me that way anymore. I know I need to be strong and focus on my growing baby but everyday is hard and I just don’t understand how he can hurt me so badly and feel nothing. I know him leaving is the best thing for me but somehow I just wish he loved me the same way I do him. This has been one of the most exhausting things I have went through in my life and I’m just hoping one day I will finally move on and be happy with myself again. I never would’ve thought I would be where I am today and going through this situation. The thought that he’ll just leave me heartbroken and pregnant with his child kills me inside. I apologize for the length of this post, it just feels good to let it out and I appreciate those who take the time to read it. Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated as I am struggling to stay positive.