Dear B:

You wrote in your introductory sentence: “here goes nothing”- but your story is something. Not nothing.

Your employment choice, “a step backwards to move forwards”, is not a bad choice. It was a risk as many choices are. You did not mess up the relationship by making this calculated choice, I don’t think.

Reads to me that she has been troubled for a long time. Her health scare and situation didn’t help her, I am sure. You tried with her, tried hard. Your “Deep Regret” doesn’t read rational to me. I didn’t detect on first reading a wrongdoing on your part that will warrant deep regret. Did I miss something?

anita

Dear B:

Sometimes there is nothing you can do. In my experience, it is often the case. I am sure you were imperfect but all humans are. But you were not responsible for her illness and for her past experience before she met you. Her past experience before she met you, more than anything else is responsible for the ending of the relationship.

When you figure what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible, it is a different kind of pain from the pain when you take over responsibility. The latter has guilt that is a brand of pain most unpleasant, acutely distressing. The pain without the guilt is way more tolerable, as it has a shorter time limit.

anita

Hi B,

You mentioned she hasn’t tried to contact you or reach out to you, but it seems to me by your post she did. By offering to buy your Mother a birthday present. That was a very sweet gesture, and something she didn’t have to do, since you had officially broken up. Maybe in a way, she wanted to rekindle things at that time. It’s hard to say. Did you ever talk to her about her wish for your Mom’s birthday present? Perhaps she is hurt, because you did not reply back.

Perhaps send her an e-mail or text..nothing heavy..make it casual..friendship and ask her out for a cup of coffee, and see how she responds. Maybe by this time, things have become clearer for her and her situation. If not, it sounds she has too much going on with her life, with health concerns and can not Give you what you are looking for, unfortunately. Maybe the best she can give you is friendship. You deserve to be with a loving, healthy and supportive relationship with someone who can give emotionally to you, as much as you give to them.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Eliana.