Hello Anita!

I can’t really figure out what happened during my childhood which lead me to believe that I must achieve anything to give me this value that I otherwise don’t have, but it really looks like that this is what keeps generating all this, like you have just pointed out.

I’ve been watching my feelings and my thoughts with a lot of curiosity and not really making any move out of it (besides asking for help here), which I think is good, since it could be disastrous if I had tried to get in touch with her after I found out that she’s in a new relationship, and I will keep doing so until I find a way out of it.

As I said I’m trying to focus my efforts on helping people around me and trying to make this the biggest purpose behind all my actions. All these achievments have put me in a position which a lot of people look at me as someone who motivates them and it feels great to help these people to believe in themselves to also achieve whatever they want. I feel really good doing so and I guess this might be much more fulfilling than any gold medal… Certainly it is much better than spend my energy comparing myself to my ex’s new boyfriend or whoever else.

Also, this obsession with her turns it impossible for me to really open my heart for a new relationship because nobody will ever be good enough while I keep her on this pedestal that I have put her.

Not an easy think for me to do, but I’m trying to work on it…

Thank you so much once again, I love your replies 🙂

Hello Anita!

Its hard for me to put into words what I feel about it, but it seems like I keep comparing every woman to me ex and they dont really even have a chance against it, since I know I’m comparing them to the only the very best of her, what is crazy. I’m no longer with my ex for a reason, but it seems like I completely forget it when comparing other women with her.

I know I should stop with all these comparisons, but I’m being really honest here and it has been an issue for me.

Also, I feel that even to this day I’m really worried about what she thinks about me. We are not in a relationship anymore, we havnt even seen or talked to each other for more then 5 months but sometimes I catch myself worrying about what she might think about me… The interesting ting is that I’m not the kind of person who really cares about other people’s opinion about me, I’m pretty cool with it actually, except for hers.

I’m trying to free myself from these feelings… and I’m ready for a kick in the pants!

Thanks!

Hello!

She’s not a “high achiever”… funny thing is that this question is not that easy for me to answer, although I can certainly list  many qualities of her, such as being intelligent, hard worker, funny and loyal. She’s also really good looking and has a beautiful profession (doctor). What I miss the most though, is the way she treated me (during the good times obviously) and our intimacy. I’m not sure if our chemistry was something natural that I will maybe someday experience with someone else for no specific reason or if it was a consequence of so many years together, which I will only find again when I spend enough time with someone else, or even both things. I feel like we had it “all” except for the fact that we obviously could not share our lives anymore because our core values were different, I guess…

I’m 28 and I’ve met when I was 19. This was the only serious relationship that I have ever had, she’s the only one to whom I have really opened my heart, shared my difficulties and all. Maybe this lack of experience with serious relationship is playing a role?

I love how your questions make me think. Thanks Anita

Hello Anita,

This is not an easy question for me, that’s why I`ve tried to answer it a couple of times before but didn’t make it to the end.

I believe that during the last phase of my relationship I wasn’t giving enough attention to it, I was focused on my personal goals and had lost most of the curiosity about my partner. At that time we didn’t have many future plans together (even after almost 8 years of relationship and living together) and I felt that she wasn’t very supportive so I decided to focus on myself regardless of it. Obviously, things started to fall apart…

After the brake up I realized that she was going through a tough phase of her life and felt like I was the one who should had been more supportive and blamed myself for the end of relationship. As I said, we never really lost contact and got back together for another 6 months.

This time, however, I made it (the relationship) my primary concern. I realized that this was the only way to go, otherwise I could not have any better output. What I have realized, though, is that she was absolutely the same. She was still a very negative person and all those things that I though that I could have helped to fix being more present and more supportive were all there. We started to plan our future together, but our expectations towards life were very different.

It become pretty clear to me that we are not compatible. Period.

That said, I must point that she was honest, hard worker, loyal and intelligent (besides being beautiful) – and I really value these qualities. Also she treated me very well (during the good times) and I really miss our intimacy/chemestry which I don’t know if was a result of all that time together or a natural thing. Maybe a result of both?

So today I keep comparing women to her – or to the version of her that I have created in my mind – one that have never existed.

Thank you once again!

Hi Anita!

I must agree that this desire to be number one, or recognized as someone who is very good at something, is an issue. Actually, this is what lead me to start developing my spirituality a couple of years ago, when I discoreved buddhism and this website. Since then I have changed my attitude a lot and I feel much better nowdays. I don’t really think that I must be the best at anything to not be rejected, I know that my family and my friends love me by who I am and I dont need any more gold medals to deserve this love. That said, I still try to do my best, what sometimes put me in a prominent position, but that’s because I love what I do and it doesnt hurt me or anybody else. I think I have made a good job changing my intention and not letting the desire of being number be, as an end in itself, the source of my intentions or motivation. It seems, though, that I still have some work to do regarding it in the context of my past relationship. I will reflect about this thing of a ”number one woman”, it makes a lot of sense!

But also here is something that Ive questioned myself yesterday and I would love to know what you think:  Am I being a bit too harsh on myself regarding this break up?

See…

I was told my ex is in a new relationship, got curious about it and and felt a bit sad since it made me remember some things (both good and bad) about our relationship. I tried to explore my feelings with curiosity and did nothing about it besides watch them come and go… Life went on and a couple of days later this is not really bothering me. Sure, I felt a bit down when I saw that the guy and that she has moved on, but is it that bad? Is it that bad that sometimes I think about her and miss the good times? We were together for almost ten years… I’ve become and adult with her by my side and we went through a lot together. She will always be part of my history, maybe its not big deal that sometimes after only 4 months of our definitive break up I still fell like this. I’m sure these feelings will soften over time… maybe I just need to be a little more gentle to myself, something that I don’t usually do regarding this subject. What do you think?

Thank you again!!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Vicente.

Thank you, Anita. I will keep practicing. Writting here and reflecting on everything that you have pointed out was very important to me and I feel much better now. You are great 🙂