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Feel in need of a virtual cuddle…

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  • September 10, 2014 at 5:58 pm #64738
    Matt
    Participant

    Penguin,

    I’m empathetic to your struggles, sister, and can hear your good heart aching at the suffering of those around you. You sound burnt out on everyone else’s business, their responsibilities. My teacher used to talk about how we plant roots in the fertile soil first, doing good where it actually does good. With boyfriend, you can’t change him, and might have to face the hard decision sooner or later that he just is that way. Is that OK? With mum, it sounds like she’s doing some role reversal on you, in her difficulties trying to get you to mother her. Neither of those show great fertility for your own happiness. What else do you have going on? Hobbies? Interests? Your own needs?

    As an exercise, try to imagine what you would spend your attention on if you weren’t worrying about other people, and simply concerned about you. If mom and dad and brother and boyfriend left town for a month, what would you do with your time? What would you want your life to look like? What do you like to do? See where this is going?

    Its one thing to be nobly helpful to our loved ones, and quite another to become so wrapped up in their tunes that we lose our own, run ragged thinking and feeling and planning and trying to help them. Its not your job to be leaned on by them, sis, even if they press you for it. Take good care of yourself, following your dreams and interests, and perhaps they will be so inspired by your positive momentum they will find their own pep to their step.

    Right now, it sounds like you’re running co-pilot on your own ship, no wonder there is sorrow. Captain to the helm! All systems go! 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    September 11, 2014 at 4:55 am #64762
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Penguin,

    Sometimes when kids launch for college, the parents, as if on a timer, start to fall apart.

    Now ~ Are you living on campus, or at home? If you’re still living at home, I strongly encourage you to move out!

    Then, when you’re visiting home, have clear boundaries (even mentally) about what’s your stuff, his stuff, her stuff, their stuff.

    Dad had his midlife crisis and is with some younger chick. That ship has sailed. If you want to see your father, call him and have lunch just the two of you at a diner.

    Your brother has always had Aspergers. Believe me, your mom has always given him money and supported him and will always do so. Now she’s just giving cash to him directly. The only conversation you should have with her is if you will support him after she’s gone if he is truly unemployable.

    Your mom will continue to meet internet rascals. The worst thing that will happen is she will be swindled. It’s hard to watch, but, it’s her life, her money. If you must, perhaps call her favorite sister or best friend and implore them to keep an eye on her.

    September 11, 2014 at 5:09 am #64763
    Inky
    Participant

    P.S. The boyfriend is optional. Too good to leave, too bad (boring) to stay.

    September 11, 2014 at 11:47 am #64777
    Kelly
    Participant

    Oh, Penguin!! Big hugs to you. You remind me so much of myself, down to the self-involved mother and needy brother. Matt & Inky already gave you great advice so I don’t have much to add except to say you might benefit from reading up on codependence. “Codependent No More” is an excellent book on the topic.

    You may want to consider the expectations you have for your romantic relationship. Your boyfriend’s negativity and poor conversational skills may turn out to be deal-breakers for you. And that’s ok. If you’re not compatible, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. And you’re certainly not responsible for his feelings. I can tell by your words that if it came down to moving on from him, you would do so in a loving and kind manner. That said, be careful about wanting things “exciting and interesting” again. While the initial buzz of a new love is beyond compare, at some point relationships tend to mature into a comfortable, stable arrangement (lower on the “excitement scale”). That’s not to say you won’t experience warm and fuzzy, exciting feelings with a long-term partner, just be careful you’re not “chasing the dragon” to try to recreate that high of a new love.

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