You mentioned getting high. In 2016 you wrote that you stopped smoking weed and cigarettes. Are you back smoking weed, or some other drug?
You asked if there is a name to a fear of not being normal. September 2016 (you were 20 or 21 then), you shared and expanded on this fear: “I remember being attracted to feet (legs) and hiding it… being Bi.. loving myself a lot and hating myself a lot… the main idea is that I never felt like others.. I stay home with my parents, I’m sick about it, I feel my parents are anxious and depressed.. but I can’t leave them because I’ll feel sorry for them”-
I would name your fear of not being normal a fear of disapproval and rejection.