Hi Aria,

Rejection is part of our lives and it is normal to feel offended by rejection. Take it as  a battle scar to be proud of because from this experience, I am sure that you can bring some lessons home with you. Take some responsibility for the outcome and contemplate on the reason why the rejection happens. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person.  But if you feel you play a part in it, then you can lean in a little bit more to the problem and create a solution of how to better handle the situation next time. It is an opportunity to improve ourselves and grow. Most importantly, don’t take life too seriously, have fun in trying out new things 🙂

For social anxiety, I find this trick very useful: the next time you find someone interesting to talk to but feel anxious, you can experiment in raising your volume a little. It makes such a big difference by raising your voice. Keep doing it not once, but several times. And, express yourself more without thinking how people might judge you. What you think how they might react may not be accurate and at most a speculation of your mind. If people can’t accept you for who you are, then there are others who will accept you. Just like that saying, there’s someone for everyone 🙂

Lastly, everyone who is never hurt is not living properly! The fact you are hurt means you do just fine. I say, get comfortable with painful situations and take the lessons with you.

Cheers,
Stevano Otto

Dear Aria,

Thank you for writing such a detailed post. I could relate to it in several different ways, therefore, I would like to share with you a little bit about myself and my experiences. I’m a 28 year-old female who is currently learning to accept and love herself.

I’m an only child and I grew up in a rather chaotic and contradictory environment. My mother was overly protective, but she simultaneously rejected me, which sent me several mixed signals. She was loving if I acted the way she intended me to, but I quickly learned that showing emotions or independence was a big problem in my family, so for years I felt compelled to hide my true self. In the meantime, I was heavily bullied at school for being shy and quirky, and I also struggled with an eating disorder as well as body dysmorphia. I had no one to discuss such matters with, so I learned to internalize everything, which led to “fun” times dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. When I eventually started making friends after high school, I was incapable of establishing a true connection with them. I had developed a certain aversion to emotions and was incapable of making myself vulnerable, due to my upbringing. In addition to that, I deeply disliked myself, so I naturally couldn’t connect with others without feeling discomfort. In some ways, I also looked for troubled people who used me as their personal therapist. They loved the version of me that helped them, but were uninterested in knowing my true self. I buried myself in my spiritual studies, paintings, and books. I convinced myself that I was incapable of establishing meaningful relationships and that I was too detached to feel anything real (even though I had so much love to give).

When I turned eighteen, I moved abroad for college. I struggled with self-loathing and had difficulty fitting in, although I was quite successful in my studies. When I turned twenty, I was fortunate enough to meet someone special who is currently my spouse. This happened soon after I hit rock bottom. I was suffering from daily panic attacks, so I turned to meditation and Buddhism for answers—they came as a quick spiritual awakening, which helped me free myself from a lot of issues from the past. Due to this awakening, I opened myself to this new person and he accepted me in ways that I couldn’t. His support accelerated my self-acceptance journey very significantly, which led me to become more confident and true to myself. This change didn’t happen overnight. It took several years and he wasn’t the only person involved. His support was helpful, but I also worked hard to become a better person. As I worked hard, I kept on meeting more and more people who helped me to grow. If I weren’t working hard to open up for them, I probably wouldn’t have given those people a chance. It took me eight years to get to a point where I can comfortably say that I am my true self. I’m still afraid of rejection, but that fear is far less powerful than before, and I learned that there are people out there who I can love and who will love me in return (even with my faults, my quirks, and my somewhat unusual beliefs). I think this post might be a little bit convoluted, but I wanted to share a summarized version of my story with you in hopes that you will believe me when I say that things will likely get easier as you grow older. You just need to be patient and forgiving with yourself. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a “broken” person, but I believe that there are people out there who are going to love you for who you are, and I also believe that you will learn to find these people. Nowadays, I understand myself quite well and I know what kinds of people that make me feel at home. I found my community. I don’t know you, and I can’t say anything about your physical appearance, but your writing alone is quite powerful and you seem to have a beautiful mind. Please give yourself some credit and I hope you find the right people who will appreciate you. Don’t be ashamed of being yourself. I think most people are afraid of being their true selves (society can be pretty ruthless), but I also think this gets easier and easier with time. You seem to have your heart in the right place; I’m confident you will find what you are looking for.