So, after I writing the above, I started reading through some of the other posts and responses too them. I had a bit of an epiphany about my approach when I do sit down to talk to him about serious things. I realized a big part of why I’m already on the brink of emotional meltdown when I finally do broach a subject is all the nervous energy and anxiety built up around bringing up “the thing” and his reaction to it. I made a mental decision on my way home from work that night to take an entirely different approach. Instead of launching into the topic we needed to talk about (which I always try to do very gently), I started with just a chat, focused on how HE is doing. I know one of the things he tends to say when I bring up issues is that it’s always all about me. How can it be otherwise if he never tells me what’s wrong and I’m the only one to bring up issues?

So, I asked him not to turn on the tv – which alarmed him. He immediately says, what did I do? I told him no, no, you didn’t do anything. I said I felt like we never talk about anything except superficial things and day to day things, nothing real in a long time (I think the alarm at not having the tv on at all times shows how true that is!). I said I want to know how you are, how you really are doing in general. It led to a good discussion and at the end I told him that I had felt that something was off for a while and that was what made me ask. We briefly discussed the issue which was a the main red flag for me, that had me so worried. We were both very calm about it and he apologized.

During our discussion, he actually opened up a lot (well, for him). He told me that’s he actually been depressed. He is a victim of child abuse and he’s never dealt with it. I’ve tried over the years to get him to talk about it and I’ve recommended therapy. He’s perfectly comfortable telling stories to me or friends and my family about the horrors of his childhood, but he doesn’t discuss his feelings about it. He is afraid to unlock that vault. He knows how painful it will be at he’d rather be numb about it. I’ve told him before how I think that one of these days, it will catch up to him (it did for me). I periodically suggest when he is ready, that I’ll be hear to listen, or if he wants to talk to a professional he has my full support.

He’s become more receptive over the years to the idea of therapy from outright “absolutely not” to “yeah, maybe.” I think the feelings don’t want to be repressed anymore and it’s manifesting with the depression. He had a death in his family a few months ago, one of the only members of his family he had any relationship with, one of the only people in his family who showed him any love. This seems to have been a trigger. He has yet to let himself feel the emotions this has brought forward, he’s admitted as much.

I’m planning to continue these chats with him to check on how he’s doing and see if he’ll open up anymore. Since he still isn’t ready for a therapist or even telling me what he is feeling, I suggested keeping a journal. I know I’ve done that in the past and it was the first step I was able to take. I had repressed things for years myself, so I’ve been through this process. I discovered so much inside me that I didn’t realize I’d buried.

I think my approach of starting with him before focusing on me will help with his defensiveness and make it feel more balanced and less like he is always doing something wrong.

Regarding some of the comments, thank you for your input. I have actually done a lot of reading into anxiety, social attachment and relationships over the past couple of years. Some of these books and sites have included exercises which have been insightful. It’s helped me to understand a lot about how we interact and where some of his reactions come from. He hasn’t really been ready to explore like I have, but I do occasionally share with him some things I’ve learned about us through my own exploration, so to speak.

I’ve read a lot about communication and safe spaces and have greatly improved in my “delivery,” although I think this past approach has been by far the most successful. Over the years, we’ve had a lot of improvement, his defensiveness decreasing and my emotional outbursts being fewer and farther in between, but I think this was the most balanced and calm conversation we’ve had in a long time. I didn’t feel on edge once we’d started and I don’t think he did either. Usually, whether or not things escalated, I still felt a tension and like each of us was holding back and ready to defend our positions. This felt much more open.

I feel good about the new approach and hope we continue to make progress, both with “us,” but also just for him. I’ve come a long way over the years both before and after we met and I know it will be a long and painful journey for him. I told him I was glad we talked and that I now know how what’s he’s been going through. He said he did’t like to burden me with his problems. He’s not used to having anyone to lean on. Even though I’ve been by his side for over 4 years, it’s still foreign to him in some ways. I’m hoping once he realizes that I really want to be there for him in EVERY way, that he’ll open up some more, we’ll communicate better (and more often and more deeply), and he will start to heal.

I have experienced the same thing…even if I have a yearlong streak of drama-free, one bad day and he says “you always….”
It’s frustrating that he doesn’t seem to notice our significant progress. I know I’m more perceptive than average, so it’s not fair to compare me to him, but it does seem unfair that I tolerate his very slow changing and my comparitively much more rapid changing goes unnoticed. C’est la vie…at least for now.