Fantasizing about the past

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 9 months ago by wow90.

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January 28, 2015 at 9:16 pm #72050

wow90
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Hi all,

In the past few months, I have, with the help of Buddhism and a therapist, gotten myself out of a family situation I didn’t want to be in. I have gotten myself a new job and a new city. While I am scared everyday, I don’t regret that I decided to get out. I am proud of myself.

However…I can’t stop having weird fantasies about the past. I’ll keep this brief, but basically, I grew up in an abusive home and did not seek therapy until my final year of college. Of course, it was wonderfully helpful, and I’m learning new things about myself every day. I’m also improving my social skills (well, slowly).

But again, oftentimes, I have weird fantasies about people in college who never even LIKED me, let alone spoke to me. I was kind of a loner in college, and was treated very often with contempt by others. Anyway, I have these weird fantasies that basically involve me being awesome, and me running into them somewhere.

I know a lot of people do this, but mine happen almost every day. I feel they are particularly unhealthy, but I’m not sure why they are happening, because for all intents in purposes, I have *plenty* to focus on in the present, plenty of self work, job stuff, etc.

I want to let go of this, because I know, rationally, this is serving no positive purpose. If anything, it’s holding me to a story (“loser”, “loner”, “outcast”, etc.) that I no longer want to tell.

Anybody here have any insight as to what these “fantasies” are really about? And ways to stop them? I’ve been recently meditating with acceptance mantras, but I wonder if there’s more I could be doing.

January 28, 2015 at 11:19 pm #72052

Anonymous
Inactive

Honestly, you want to change the past but thats not going to happen – hence the fantasies but what if i told you that you are ever changing and dynamic – its the person you are working on right now that matters than the person you were- parts of old you are still there but thats the past now – now is your moment – look at the now and all the awesome you can have – the more your confidence comes, the more you accept what you can and cant change. This will pass with time – focus on the present now, enjoy life.

January 29, 2015 at 4:31 am #72056
Inky
Participant
Hi wow90,

I think that’s why people invented High School reunions LOL. People are constantly evolving, and it is some sort of primal desire to want to connect to people from our old “tribe” even to show them how awesome we are! What happens is one day, somehow, you WILL run into them! Or they will come up to you and be all, “Hey, how are you? I missed you!!” and you’re all, “Wha…?”

This happened to me as a grown azz lady: My son was in a certain sport, and I had to contend with The Queen Bee Mom. She did her best to somehow exclude me from the rest of the parent group. It was awkward. Everyone said it was awkward. She proceeded to say that *I* was awkward! Well, what happened was we both had younger sons go into the sport. The original group’s kids aged out and she was the head of a new hive with much less desirable bees. Suddenly I was the Cool Mom. It would be me as the new Queen Bee or her and me together without the hive. Guess who was my new best friend and FB buddy???

When you settle down and ever have this experience again, just wait it out for a few years. They always turn around. Even your college frienemies online.

Sorry for going on a tangent,

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
February 2, 2015 at 8:32 am #72255
Ashley Arcel
Participant
Hi wow90,

I can totally relate to you here. Although I didn’t have the same upbringing you did….I had a really impactful relationship a few years ago that left me with the same feelings. The guy was really pretty awful to me…I do think he actually loved me, but he was way too wrapped up in his own process to really be decent to anyone else and, long story short, he treated me like dirt most of the time. Regardless of that truth, I still find myself fantasizing about him, wishing I would run into him so he could see how awesome I am…or something like that. It’s a really interesting mental phenomena and it almost feels like an out of body experience. When I find myself in these moments, I have to actually turn myself inward and say “Okay, Ashley, that’s not reality. Let that one go.” and it helps…it really does.

That said, It’s impressive that you recognize this habit as unhealthy. That alone will take you a long way in terms of healing. The best advice I can offer you is to treat yourself like a scared kid…acknowledge what you’re doing, acknowledge WHY you’re doing it, and then pay attention to what is at the root of all of it. Do you feel the need to be validated by others? Are you insecure? Are you desperate for love? I’ve felt all of those things so this isn’t designed to shame you. The most important part is to treat the cause. Only then will those fantasies begin to stop since, really, they’re merely symptomatic of something deeper. Hope this helps. Keep us posted.

Ashley
- This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by tinybuddha.
February 3, 2015 at 10:15 am #72302

wow90
Participant

Ashley,

Thanks for your post! I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who does this. And you are so right, it feels like an out of body experience.

I think mine stems from (and this is going to sound weird) knowing how much progress I’ve made, but grieving the fact that not only was I treated like I didn’t matter, but that I wasn’t far enough along in my journey to know and recognize this. I guess it is just a desire to change the past, and wanting to be seen for exactly who I am, not some trauma based version of myself. Feels like a missed opportunity, and I’m having trouble getting over it. Although, I am well aware that if you spend time dwelling on missed opportunities, you will miss the ones right in front of you!

I know the right thing to do, logically, but my emotions haven’t caught up yet.
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