Thanks guys

Inky:
You’ve hit the nail on the head. A lot of the anger I feel towards him stems from the fact that I turned my whole life around to accomodate for this defenceless child, and I did it because I love him/her and want what’s best for him in life. I bend over backwards, often forgoing what makes me happy. Changed everything about myself for this child. He, on the other hand, has not changed a single thing. He is a child himself, dependant on others to do things for him, even though he is almost 50. He surrounds himself with family and friends who enable and participate in the same self-destructive and anti-social behaviour. If you so much as question his actions he will cut you out of his life so fast, it will make your head spin. Support what he does, however, and you’re the best thing since sliced bread. This is the part that concerns me about him moving in with the girlfriend. I don’t know her (he won’t let me meet her), but from past experience, it would make sense that she would be encouraging and supportive of his lifestyle, otherwise he wouldn’t give her the time of day. I cannot allow my child to be unsupervised in such an environment. This is the basis for me pulling visitation once I discovered what’s going on.

From day 1, I was the one ensuring that they had time together. I drove her the hour and a half each way so that he could have his “rights as a father” (he has no license and refuses to get one – he’s never said it in so many words, but I presume it’s because it cuts into his drinking time). That’s 6 hours driving in 2 days every fortnight. I have given him every opportunity to have input into the important decisions in child’s life – daycare, school, etc – yet he refuses to do so. He tells our child he will attend special events such as concerts, parent-teacher interviews, birthdays parties, fathers nights at school, sports events, etc then backs out at the last minute telling everyone that it’s too far (he attended these things in the beginning, but it all stopped the second he got a girlfriend. Coincidence? Unlikely.) I felt embarrassed for my child in September when they had fathers night at school, and my child really wanted to go and be with friends and their dads. So, I took him myself. He got asked a lot “where’s your dad? Don’t you have one?” (You know what 5 year olds can be like. No filter.), and I watched him squirm not knowing what to say. He had fun though, and I’m so glad I took him, but watching him try and get the attention of all the other dads in the room broke my heart. It was at that point I realised that I am both mom and dad. His real dad is just some guy who pays me for the privilege of babysitting my child occasionally (lol).

Yet, I’m the bad guy for not letting him see his child. I stopped bending over backwards to force the relationship and now I’m “alienating” him. I want my child to have a father figure in his life, but not this guy. And I feel guilty about all of this. I know I shouldn’t, and that just makes it worse. I fight with myself in my own head about it on a daily basis. It makes me anxious. It makes me depressed. And it makes me feel like I’m going insane.

Anita:
I’ve been spending a lot of time recently googling “how to stop being so angry”, and the number one piece of advice in every single article I’ve come across is to “forgive”. That’s what brought me here and question whether I even have a right to be as angry as I am. I’m not sure what message could be hidden amongst all that anger that I’m not seeing, but at this point I’m so desperate for some peace and calm in my life that I’m open to hearing and discussing and trying anything.

Thank you everyone for your kind and insightful words. Truely. Please, keep them coming.

You’re so right. I cannot change this man. I’ve been trying for the last 6 years, but still kept sending my child along with him in the hope that something will click. He got the best of both worlds; time with his child, and the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. Yet, I’ve worked my a$$ of trying to do the right thing by everyone.
Woah…. Earlier I mentioned about him surrounding himself with family and friends who enable him. Well, just this second, as I typed that last sentence, I have realised that I HAVE BEEN DOING EXACTLY THE SAME THING! #epiphany lol

I can’t keep his child from him forever. The law won’t allow me to do that. The best I can do is buy myself some time. The counselling, etc I have requested are just band aids (assuming he chooses to go through with it). The mediator said to me (privately) “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”, and he’s right. He won’t change unless that’s what he wants… I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want that, and that’s something that I can’t accept. He wants his cake and to eat it too. If the roles were reversed, I would do all those things in a heartbeat (in fact, I have attended many parenting classes and counselling sessions off my own back, and without being required to by anyone other than myself). I would walk over broken glass if it meant I could regularly see my child – every time. Heck, I overcame my own addictions for the wellbeing of my child. It’s not as if I don’t understand what it’s like. I know it can be done, and that’s what makes it so hard to come to terms with.

You’re right about being the calm mother. I am in distress, but I’m proactively trying to figure out ways to fix that. Is forgiveness the key? Something else? I just don’t know how to accept the things I can’t change. I feel so helpless and I’m tired of fighting. I want out of the situation, and unless he makes the decision himself to remove himself completely from our lives, there is nothing more I can do. I just want to be free of his shackles and be able to move on with my life. I want to be healthy and happy again. I desperately want to be able to work towards my life goals that have been put on hold for the last 6 years, and seem like they’re slowly slipping away to the point where I now question whether or not they’re still realistic. I need to find the silver lining in all of this. I need hope.

Gaaaaaaah! Here’s that pity-party again!

Thanks for being patient with me. This has been a pretty good outlet.

Sea island:
Thank you for taking the time to comment. It’s means a lot.
The one thing I give the father credit for is that he did provide financially for our child, every week for the last 5 years without fail. He would pay above and beyond what was required and helped me out with things like extra curricular activities, and school uniform, etc, meaning that our child had more opportunities. That is, Until the girlfriend came along. When that happened, he cut back to the minimum amount he could possibly get away with, which means the difference between my child having opportunities and not having opportunities. I’m on welfare – it barely covers the rent + utilities. If this is his attempt at punishing me, he needs to rethink. Just another thing to add to my growing evidence list of how much he doesn’t give a you-know-what about the best interests of our child. I used to call it “guilt money”. Now I call it “stay out of jail money”.

My desire to forgive him stems from the knowledge that he’s not the brightest spark in the world. He grew up in the same environment he’s trying to push on our child: his father was never there during his childhood. He was always out drinking and doing drugs and sleeping around, while his mother stayed home and raised the children. There were no rules or boundaries in that household, as his mother used him as a companion, rather than a son.
My ex started drinking daily and socially doing drugs from the age of 15, and has continued to do so for the last 25ish years without a break. There HAS to be some brain damage going on there, not to mention he once got into a drunken fight where he was beaten so severely that he died on the operating table for a minute or so and has several metal plates in his head as a result. I feel very sorry for him. And that being said, one of my greatest fears is that my child will grow up and head down the exact same path he and his siblings did. I wouldn’t ever wish my position in life on my child either. There’s a lot of stress in that train of thought, and I do put a lot of pressure on myself to be the perfect parent. I KNOW it’s unrealistic, but what else can I do? I have had it stuck in my mind that he just doesn’t know any better, and if I could just show him how it was supposed to be done, he would see the light and change his ways. Well, that didn’t work out too well for me, did it.

As for the woman in his life, I haven’t met her, or know anything about her, but I have zero respect for her. Exactly for the reasons you mentioned. Maybe he won’t treat her like he treated me. He told me several times over the last 5 years that he only treated me that way because I was “difficult”. Maybe I was/am just being difficult?

Anyway, as I have said before, I need to do something (anything!) to relieve myself of the guilt/pain/depression. I just don’t know how.