Hi Anita

Thank you for organizing my thoughts so neatly, I will definitely take these notes to a therapist when I can. I already re-read my thread a lot too because I feel like this place is sort of my new way of journaling, with the added benefit of getting feedback from others. These thorough responses have been so comforting to receive.

“I believe that you’ve been ruminating about him so heavily since the breakup because.. you still feel that he is your hope for safety.” …” You feel a huge loss: subjectively (the way you feel), it is a huge loss, but objectively (reality is), there is no loss: he’s just a guy with his own problems, living at home with his parents, not making much money; a guy who talked a good game, telling you exactly the words you desperately needed to hear. But even if he meant those words (I assume he did) these are still only WORDS. It takes so much more to.. be a mensch (a person of integrity and honor).” — I can see that I have him placed way above me in my head, absolutely. I can see he has avoidance and communication issues. I can see he has had a lot of things catered to him in his life and so he’s not as “on guard” in general as I am about having to get my basic needs met. But, it still feels like a huge loss as well because I’ve never been so passionate about someone and have that same passion reciprocated for me.

“Even if you didn’t seek his reassurance, even if you acted perfectly at all times (an impossibility for any human), he’d still be who he is and what you would have gotten from him would’ve been more words. Even if he had the right emotion to go with his words, what you need is real-life action that’s congruent with.. integrity and honor.” — There were two instances early on into our relationship about possible hurdles for us and he genuinely was worried about me dumping him over them. We talked them out and I know he cared a lot, I saw it and felt it through his actions there. Talk about REALLY making my inner child feel seen – someone I really liked actually feared losing me for once and was trying to compromise with me in a healthy way. So you think he never wanted long-term commitment with anyone anyway, at least not for now? I guess it’s an issue with my insecurities to think that he was open to a future with me until something changed about me for him. As you’ve said, maybe he thought he wanted something but his actions couldn’t match his words when truly tested over time. I have to accept that he’s not doing anything about it now and had no problem completely cutting me off after telling me he wanted us to work through this breakup together.

I cried tonight because I saw a video of a girl talking about how when you mourn the loss of a relationship, you’re mourning a version of a person you loved who no longer and will no longer exist to you ever again. It will never be the same because now there is hurt and history. Not only that, but you are mourning YOURSELF and who you were before it ended, and how you will never get that version of yourself back again. This made me burst out into tears. I do miss that version of me with him. I felt as though all these years of TRYING to at least be self-aware and work through my triggers and anxious attachment/codependency issues had finally paid off and I was being met with a healthy and securely attached person. I tried to self-regulate and self-care throughout this whole relationship when I felt neglected or triggered. But I know I was very reactive the night of the breakup. To feel like I had ANY part in messing up what was meant for me/us just really is hard to shake off. I really, really hope you are right when you say that my issues alone weren’t enough for him to tip the boat and leave.

Hi Anita

I hope you have been well since we last talked. This morning when my mom was taking me to work, we got into road construction and she became very frazzled very quickly and my stomach just immediately went in knots and I had to help her understand where to go even though I was figuring it out on the spot too. It’s this same feeling I’ve always had with my mom, she stresses so much and I have to take over and make things less stressful for her in that moment. I can’t relax, I miss having my ex being able to handle stressful moments like this and knowing I could sit there and RELAX while he handled it calmly.

“… and then, because of the breakup, your objective circumstances deteriorated (you had to move back home with your family, couldn’t get enough sleep, lost the better paying job, etc.), then the breakup would have been a huge loss objectively.” — That’s true. That’s why I actually only ever wanted to just move closer to him and have my own place. At least for the next several years. I was afraid of moving in with him, I’ve seen too many times how that mistake can crumble a person. But yes, even if I got my own place anywhere else, there is always the possibility of having to come back home.

“There were two instances early on into our relationship about possible hurdles for us and he genuinely was worried about me dumping him over them. We talked them out and I know he cared a lot, I saw it and felt it through his actions“- what actions?” — When we first discussed possibly lifestyle incompatibility over his weed usage, he said he was willing to do whatever he could to accommodate me and make it work. He then always kept it away from me, and never once made me feel pressured to smoke weed with him, or resentful that I wasn’t. I even told him I felt bad if he felt that he had to hide parts of himself from me. He said it was fine after checking in with him a few times. The only issue (that I’m aware of) came up with the wedding in July, and I was understanding to that because it was someone else’s celebration. The other time was when he brought up the worry over him not being completely healed from being cheated on from his ex before me, he showed a lot of concern for how that could possibly affect us and gave me consistent care and affection for months after that. I guess you could argue that was still around the first 3 month period where most people are putting on their best face.

“All through the relationship, he lived with his parents because he couldn’t afford a place of his own (“we are both stuck living back home with family in bad financial positions“), and he spent a lot of time- not looking for a better-paying job- but on gaming and liking photos online.. again, not promising.” — I always found it hard to understand why he hadn’t moved out by now, even to just a tiny apartment outside of the small, utopian retirement town he lived in because he made decent money compared to his expenses and had his weekend side hustle with house/dogsitting. He claimed he didn’t make good money and couldn’t afford anything but he made $17.50/hr. which is good in our area, especially without a degree. I never questioned him because I felt it was extremely hypocritical of me considering I was in the same boat, and we weren’t engaged or anything so I felt that his finances were none of my business. Near the end of our relationship, he revealed he wasn’t even working completely full time at his main job anymore and was actually making more money housesitting on the weekends. I found that odd and wondered why he had chosen less hours. I say all that to say that perhaps he really was not in a place to actually want to move any time soon, even if he felt like he wanted to in theory. On the night of our breakup when he was trying to argue that I didn’t want to leave my family, town, or job (completely untrue), I was trying to tell him I could work towards moving to his town and that I was always looking at places to rent. He snapped back quickly and said, “THAT YOU CAN’T AFFORD!”

“To feel like I had ANY part in messing up what was meant for me/us just really is hard to shake off”- meant by whom? — Sorry, I’m not sure what you meant here but I was just saying that I worry I possibly had a hand in ruining a quality relationship that was meant to be for us. And yes, I definitely can’t imagine being someone not filled with shame or guilt or crippling insecurities that I project onto others. I don’t even want to ever date again solely because of my social media jealousy hang ups…

Hi Helcat

“I think you have a lot of people in your life who fall on the opposite end of the spectrum. This has created a lot of shame for you in sharing your emotional needs.” — Yes, so much so that I am convinced that a consistent connection isn’t real, as everyone has their limits and you can’t put so much onto one person. I know that me making my ex my lifeline probably made him lose some attraction to me. That’s understandable and I have to work on that even more than I already worried about. I hope to someday run across a friend or significant other who can handle me more consistently, but I also hope to be able to be more self-regulated for them as well.

“It is honestly disgusting that your partner told you that he was no longer attracted to you and continued to sleep with you.” — I mean, he didn’t blatantly tell me he was no longer attracted to me, I should have said that, but he admitted to wandering eyes and falling for thirst traps. He said he missed how things used to be with us, when things were “fun,” how he knew he SHOULD be happy but that he just wasn’t, not to mention the few times towards the end where he said the honeymoon stage for us was over. These were all indicators to me that he lost attraction and interest in me, or else he would have had at least SOME desire to fight for us, I’d think. So yes, even though he didn’t come right out and say that, I know it’s what he meant. I don’t see how someone can be so intimate with you whilst simultaneously being bored. I’m already incredibly insecure about my body and he reassured me so much about how attracted he was to me all of the time. I don’t believe any of it anymore.

Also, you make a good point about his lack of care and interest in wanting to call me too. He always dropped what he was doing and made time for me when I needed to vent. But it irked me that he never felt the need for the same connection from me. I chalked it up to him just having different temperance, ADHD, and attachment needs.

“I think that it’s a good thing that you were persistent in confronting him about issues that you were concerned about. It made things very clear that you were not going to accept the behaviour.” — Thank you. I do wish I had been more open-minded about his sexual preferences and fantasies, but they made me feel insecure as they were the polar opposite of me and he was seeming to be less passionate about me towards the end. And to be honest, I think I was and am a lot more sheltered than I thought I was. The Tik Tok coworker he’s been spending a lot of time with is into covered face latex suits and Shibari… makes me wonder if this kind of appetite interests him too as he seemed to take to them very quickly. To each their own, no judgment but that kind of stuff is way too involved and heavy for me. I know I shouldn’t have to change myself for someone, but I do wish I had been less serious about things when we’d discuss them. Sex is just not a priority for me. I’m constantly stuck in survival mode – my main objective and concern in a relationship is if this person is making me feel safe, seen, loved, and entertaining me/adding joy to my life. Sex is trivial to me, that kind of connection comes after the other stuff is very established. I understand sex is priority for some people and that’s okay too, and maybe I should care more about what it means for me as well, I’m not sure. But if he just dumped me over his sexual appetite not aligning with me, it does feel a bit shallow and disappointing.

“Because of the abuse and difficulties in life you cannot imagine better. But it exists and you deserve it. You deserve to be treat with the same kindness that you show other people.” — Thank you. I have trouble believing I deserve better when I’m told I’m being unreasonable and unfair. He seemed willing to compromise until things got very real. I feel bad about making him feel bad about his life choices but I don’t think he’s over there feeling bad about how he made me feel either. He doesn’t even know how I feel – I’ve not spoken to him in over a month and even then, we didn’t discuss our breakup except for the two days right after it when I apologized to him.

“I think you understand what happened in the relationship. But you also experienced gaslighting.” — It’s funny because he often joked about gaslighting me. He’d constantly do these little “bits” to be ironic and make fun of misogynistic men and “mansplaining.” It’s hard to imagine what I mean but it just felt like with so much awareness to all of this and how toxic it all was, that he was immune to ever actually being this way towards me. Kind of like how when a man is comfortable with his masculinity, he can joke about the subject. Exactly like what you were saying with the “pretending to be healthy” thing.