Hi Stacy

It sounds like the break up has shaken you and made you doubt yourself. You mentioned that you don’t feel like you can move past this unless you believe that your trust was broken.

You’re not sure if asking your ex not to like sexy pictures was warranted. The closest experience I have had to that is earlier on when my partner and I were first dating he had lots of female friends (he still does). Anyway sometimes they used cute nicknames like honey and babe. I didn’t check his phone but he would pass his phone to me and show me funny videos and pictures and a text would occasionally pop up saying these things and it would make me uncomfortable. So he would show me the conversation when this happened to reassure me and it was otherwise normal. I still asked him to set some boundaries with his friends not to call him honey or babe while he was dating. He agreed with said that was fine. There have been no issues since because everyone is quite happy to respect that boundary which helps make me feel more comfortable.

Everyone is different and has different things that bother them. Part of dating is accommodating each others needs and boundaries as long as they’re reasonable.

I think it’s reasonable to feel uncomfortable when your partner likes sexy pictures on social media. It’s not something that makes me personally uncomfortable. But I do understand how it could make other people uncomfortable.

Your partner used the excuse that he didn’t think he would be able to promise that and keep that promise.

But I think what is important in a partner is not that they do everything perfectly. Just that they try and do their best.

Anything sexual with his previous history of porn addiction that behaviour could have been a long term struggle for him to manage if he tried.

I think a lot of people have long term struggles with specific issues. My husband is loud and raises his voice a lot when he’s excited, shocked, or upset. Because he this behaviour is present throughout his daily life it’s difficult for him to entirely eliminate during arguments. I have PTSD, so when he raises his voice during periods of conflict, it’s a trigger that upsets me. I shut down because I’m overwhelmed and he gets upset because he worries I’m trying to ignore him like previous partners have. He really does try his best to manage his behaviour, but he isn’t perfect. I try and manage my behaviour and recover as soon as possible, but I’m not perfect. No one is perfect and that’s okay. You can still be pretty amazing and not perfect at the same time.

When two people have conflicting issues it’s impossible for one person to resolve. Both people need to try. I think you’re a reasonable person. You would have been happy if you felt like he was trying.

For you, perhaps the long term issue was insecurity? Would you agree?

I think lying about his trans friend from work is clearly breaking your trust too. He should have been honest about things that would have concerned you, but he wasn’t because he wanted to avoid talking about it.

What’s ironic is by refusing to deal with these situations he caused a lot of problems in the relationship. Individually  these are fairly small things. He could have done his best to try to alter his behaviour with the pictures and been simply been honest about his coworker friend. He could have asked his friends not to smoke around you and introduced you. He could have easily picked up the phone and called you.

I had a friend who was like your ex, in that he was uncomfortable with conflict and would say anything he thought the other person wanted to hear to get him out of it. Yet, he wanted to change nothing. This lead to me getting fed up with being lied to and ultimately, I ended the friendship.

You have a wonderful gift Stacy, to be able to make the person that you’re talking to feel special. I think over time, he started to realize the impact the issues he was causing had on the relationship. It’s possible that he felt like he was disappointing you.

You’re a very patient and empathetic person. Combined with your uncertainty about maintaining your boundaries. It sounds like you don’t tend to be the person who ends relationships. You would have tried to work things out.

But sometimes, even if you love someone things don’t work out. I once had to leave someone I loved because they refused to talk at all about difficulties in the relationship. They just shut down entirely and ignored me for a month.

I don’t think you meant nothing to your ex. I don’t think the good times that you had together were lies.

There were multiple factors at play which lead to the relationship ending.

Lifestyle –  his weed addiction would have been impossible for you to live with. I’ve had people live with me smoking weed before and I also have asthma. It honestly sucks even when they’re only doing it outside, the smoke is strong and clings to them when they come inside.

His mental health – was clearly a large reason why he had difficulties with accommodating you in the relationship.

Would you like to discuss difficulties you’ve had with other relationships ending?

Wishing you all the best 🙏

Hi Stacy

I think with your recent ex you’re placing too much responsibility on yourself. People struggle with the same issues they’ve always had in relationships. Likely, he’s always struggled with difficulty during natural conflict. He strikes me as a wishful thinker in positive times. I don’t think he meant harm during conflict. He just wanted you to feel better with minimal effort. Whilst he had his own issues and unhealthy behaviours. I don’t see things on the same scale as your abusive ex.

I’m so sorry to hear about your 4 year relationship with your abusive ex. Some of the things he said to you were awful. No wonder you experience difficulty with being assertive and boundaries.  He emotionally beat you down to the point where you didn’t believe in yourself.

There’s a lot of information out there about assertive communication and ways to manage relationship conflict in a healthy way. A website I used to teach myself about it is called Skills You Need. It provides lots of theory, examples and it’s free.

You’re right, ultimately no one has to make any changes that they don’t want to. But if you think about healthy relationships, they’re about compromise. It’s not about making unreasonable requests, that would be controlling and abusive. But reasonable requests a partner may choose to consent to, because it enhances the relationship.

For example, with trust issues. I too don’t like the idea of flirting and I’m aware it does sometimes happen in relationships. My husband chose to consent to my request because it was reasonable, I was in no way attempting to limit his contact with his friends. He was aware that if he didn’t, I would likely continue to be concerned by his friends calling him pet names which would add unnecessary stress to the relationship. It’s all about working together to reduce stress. He cared about my comfort in the relationship.

I totally agree with your concerns about the previous ex with the Instagram account with the sexual pictures of barely legal girls.  It would make me uncomfortable too. I am aware that some men think it’s okay to lust after younger women who are of legal age. Ethically, I don’t because of the age difference and differences in maturity. These are valid concerns.  He was gaslighting you when you confronted him about these issues.

I don’t think you’re a negative person Stacy. Yes, you have anxiety and trust issues. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many people have similar issues, though they can manifest in different ways. I see these things as a product of your environment. You’ve experienced so much in your life. That ex you had lacked empathy for all of the painful experiences you’ve been through. Instead of praising your strength for doing your best to work your way through it all. He tore you down which is disgusting to me.

It comes more naturally for people with easier lives to be more confident. For people who have experienced a lot of trauma in their life these things are more difficult and take effort and active nurturing to achieve.

I’ve come from an abusive background growing up. I think the main thing a therapist did was challenge my unhealthy thoughts and teach me to spot abuse from others. Her belief in me as a person was very healing.

Outside of therapy I did a lot of work on my own to heal parts of myself that struggled with self-worth. This meant practising being kinder to myself. Restructuring and reframing negative thoughts. Lowering my anxiety. Forgiving and accepting myself. Working on personal development, so I could like myself as a person. Practicing meditation. Developing skills in assertiveness and practicing maintaining healthy boundaries.

After doing these things, I felt like I had all of the right pieces, but it didn’t click and fit in my head. Practising loving kindness meditation was the final step for me. I focused on nurturing positive loving feelings for others and in time that extended to myself.

At the end I realized that simply pursuing these changes, and starting this journey is an act of self love. Even if you don’t feel the results yet.

I was wondering, if you have a central negative thought about yourself? Mine was not feeling good enough or feeling unlovable.

You are truly a beautiful person Stacy! Your strength and kindness despite the difficulties you’ve experienced is inspiring.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Stacy

I think it’s really healthy and important that you are allowed to express painful feelings.

Did you ever hear the common saying that it takes half as long as you were in a relationship to get over it? So you dated for a year? That would mean that taking 6 months to process the break up is normal.

It’s really awful that you’re in a situation where friends and family are so wildly uncomfortable with people expressing normal healthy emotions. It’s abnormal to suppress feelings. When sad things happen, it’s appropriate to be sad. That’s what I meant by these feelings being normal.

No one should yell at you for having feelings. It’s really appalling to me. I’m so sorry that people are treating you like this. It’s like you’re being shamed for how you feel. I wish that I could tell them off for you and tell them if they don’t have anything kind to say, they should say nothing at all.

I think that what your ex said was very telling. I’m jealous too. I wish that I was attractive and travelling the world.

He’s very much telling you that he finds her attractive. All along, you have expressed concern about him being attracted to other women.

I think this is slightly different from liking sexy photos of someone he didn’t have any connection to. I think when there is a connection it’s actually hurtful. He’s got a habit of liking sexy photos of women he knew. It’s not like pornography. I can understand why you would feel threatened by that.

My husband was in communication with his ex that abused him when we started dating. He had a hard time expressing to her that he was actually hurt by the things she’d done. It made me uncomfortable because in the back of my mind I was afraid that they might get back together. I think the reason I accepted the communication and wasn’t as threatened by it was because of the abuse. I thought he needed time to process and actually stand up for himself. Eventually, he did!

It’s a different situation from what you experienced, but it’s very normal for people to have these feelings of concern about their partners having connections with others.

I think that you deserve a kudos for not overreacting. Contrary to what your ex believed. There are some people who behave unreasonably. Trying to ban contact with those they feel threatened by. There are some people who habitually check their partners phone because they don’t trust them. It’s different when your partner openly shows you.

I think that your request not to like sexy photos was a very appropriate boundary. You show a healthy understanding of boundaries and care for how your feelings impact others. I think because you’re aware of your insecurity insecurity issues you kept a watchful eye on it.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Stacy

A continuation of my reply earlier.

I would say that your ex liking every single a Tinder matches photo since 2015 is concerning. I think logically you know this. Even if he did most of it in the past before he dated you, it sounds like he was still doing it during the relationship. His behaviour could suggest an obsession with this person. It’s not a nice feeling to be dating someone obsessed with another person.

He did you a disservice by dismissing how you felt about these issues. I’m guessing that you were being considerate and gentle with bringing up these issues and asking him to stop linking her sexy photos. A gentle inquiry was easy for him to refuse. Did you go a little deeper in your enquiry? If not, why not? Were you afraid of upsetting him? It’s tough because when people try to avoid discussing serious issues, sometimes you do need to push the issue and be direct about what is hurting you.

I can see how much pain you’re in about all of this. I think it’s really important when you’re in a lot of pain to try really hard to practice self care. Is there anything that usually you find comfort in? For me, this is talking to friends, petting my dogs and cat, walking the dogs, going outside (I really hate being stuck indoors), watching tv. Everyone has their own unique needs. What do you need that comforts you?

I’d like you to read this next part when you have a calmer moment.

So when we experience a lot of verbal abuse in our lives, we internalise it and begin to abuse ourselves. One trick to changing this behaviour is taking a key theme and practicing repeatedly negating that.

Hearing other people say nice things to us and reassure us cracks the door to the possibility of the negative thoughts being wrong. But it’s practicing intentionally challenging your own negative thoughts that changes the belief that you hold about yourself.

You expressed a lot of different themes. Picking one reoccurring thought in your own words is most helpful. For me, it was I’m not good enough.

I would suggest only practicing the following exercise when you are feeling calmer. I found it can trigger abusive thoughts otherwise, which isn’t helpful.

So for me, the phrase I challenged was not being good enough.

Step 1: What is a good person? What does it mean to you?

Step 2: What is a bad person? What does it mean to you?

Step 3: Do you share any traits in how you describe a good or a bad person?

I found a balanced approach to be helpful at first because my mind would totally reject being overly positive initially. I think I found considering things equally and logically made it hard to deny the good things about myself. I worked up to being totally positive after a lot of practice.

Step 4: Now that you’ve identified some good traits. Record evidence of these traits occurring in daily life. I found this to be a difficult task initially. Starting out small can be helpful.

For example, a stranger dropped their keys and I returned them. I treated my friend dinner. When X person was sad I comforted them.

Another helpful tool, was writing down compliments other people gave me.

Over time, repeatedly doing these activities can be helpful in changing internal beliefs about yourself.

When we abuse ourselves and have low self-esteem we don’t see ourselves for who we actually are. These exercises help us to acknowledge the good things about ourselves that we habitually ignore.

I don’t think you’re like your family. I think you’re like a flower stubbornly growing in the desert or the darkness reaching towards the light. You have faced challenging circumstances your whole life, ones that would make a less capable driven person give up and  become cruel. You persist despite your challenging circumstances and you do so with kindness.

Hi Stacy

No worries, take your time! Good luck with the car and work issues.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏