Hi, Helcat.

Thank you so much for your empathy and time. Today made TWO days of him leaving me on read after telling me he’d specifically update me on Saturday about his parents. I posted a photo today on Instagram of my new haircut and he liked the photo. I was shocked he did that considering he’s been seemingly ignoring me for two days now.  And yes, self-care during this time is difficult but you’re right. I definitely have to force myself to eat anything and sleep.

Your point about how therapy may not have been adequately absorbed by him is something I’ve also feared. It’s just really hard to accept that all of those times he seemed genuinely like he was in tune with my worries and would hear me out could have been just him reenacting what he’s observed. It wasn’t just that he always had to best words to say to me, it was also that he seemed to actually believe it and be a good person. He prided himself in being a feminist and super pro-woman. His mom is super feminist and they are both in a local democratic group so I just assumed he was actually legitimately a safe guy. It was refreshing because in my area, every guy I’ve met is extremely sexist, homophobic, racist. He would point out privilege, seemed passionate about fighting toxic masculinity, etc. It’s hard to explain but often his humor was kind of in the same brand as say, Conan O’Brien or the crew from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia where he’d make a sexist or controversial joke or observation but the point of it was to be ironic and point out problematic themes. He seemed to practice what he preached with this stuff. But it got confusing because over time, I started wondering if there were any truth to these jokes, specifically jokes about me, and men and women. And as we’ve all read here and discussed, it sounds like he’s very mixed up. That he KNOWS what is right but still struggles with that darker side of himself. I mean for a guy to joke about having a small penis all of the time and how powerful women intimidate him because of his small penis… you would think ONLY someone actually secure with themselves and self-aware could make these types of jokes. I’ve dated men in the past who were absolute trash and would get very easily defensive if you tried to even bring these topics up. I don’t know if this even makes sense but it’s like half of the reason why I am having a very hard time seeing or accepting that he actually may have been what he was always joking about. And if he was actually like this, that takes away a lot of his worth to me because I REALLY valued these good beliefs and morals in him.

When he said that he wasn’t going to agree to not like the photos anymore and told me he was setting himself up for failure because I could find any photo too sexy, I actually did agree with him there. I shook my head in shame and told him he had a point because at that point, I was just so hurt that he even wants to look at ANYTHING. I truly appreciate your perspective on this matter because it’s hard to feel confident in my boundary. My other two exes did this same crap and it is such a wound for me. It’s a problem where I can’t confidently think for myself. The weed situation is similar – I feel that my boundary could have been too strict just because I really didn’t want to have to lose someone over this. As for living together, I had just assumed that when and if we’d ever get there that we could compromise and he could smoke only a few times a week and do it outside. I know he does it outside for his parent’s house right now. But also, he could be hiding just how important weed is to him from me and he could be toking up constantly while I’m not there. I find it very interesting that you say you think he was using weed/my averseness to it as an excuse to not have me meet his friends. I genuinely do think he wanted me to meet them because he seemed very excited about it and when I declined, he seemed bummed. Not only that but a week or so later when we brought it back up, he actually said, “please just come.” when I was rethinking my decision. I understood since it was a wedding celebration, I wasn’t going to expect these people on their special day to drop their party plans for me. But as for subsequent chances to meet them where he compromised and told me he would agree not to partake with them, I do think you’re right that they could have JUST for like a few hours decide to opt out of smoking for me when it’s not a special occasion. He told me they do it constantly, even going out to eat because I asked why we couldn’t just meet up at a restaurant smoke-free. It was very confusing to me too considering the state he was visiting outlaws weed usage. Call me a stick in the mud but I don’t want to get caught up in that kind of mess if it’s going to not even be legal. If you’re right that he just didn’t want me to go to this wedding and knew I’d not be okay with the weed and used this to sour me to the trip, that would be some next level cruelness for sure. I am worried I just saw this guy in a regressive period of his life and it’s not actually representative of what he wants. Because he used to live on his own, lived with friends, partied, hooked up with a lot of people. And the guy I met was unhappy about his weight gain, his job and living situation, was a homebody who slept all day and didn’t seem to care for partying much until he drove up to meet his old friends. I worry maybe he wants to still be a party boy and saw he was bored with me over that and he wouldn’t just be honest with me about this when he dumped me.

Hi, Anita.

Thank you for your response and also yes, I absolutely can condense my thoughts more from now on. As you can see, I have trouble summarizing but I will do my best in respect of your time. I really appreciate all of this.

I think your entire post is completely on point. So you’re saying that because I felt validation, refuge, acceptance, etc. in him and his family that it made me feel safe to finally resume my growth that was stunted in me? That maybe if I had been afforded these same qualities and opportunities I so longed for in my parents that I would have been able to develop properly? Or better, I guess. I also think the attention I got from a guy who usually only went for the conventionally attractive “popular” girls stroked my ego. I was bullied all through school by the popular jock types and the cheerleaders. I wanted to be accepted by them. Interesting though that he was not your stereotypical player, he’s a self-proclaimed beta nerd and that’s another reason why it’s hard to accept he could really be just like all the other toxically alpha men out there.

I know this relationship was also a form of escapism because as soon as I come home from my job, I see my mom sitting on the couch all day long in pain and self-wallowing, and the septic tank repair bill or some other stressful and real life issue constantly plaguing us that I have to take responsibility for or emotionally support her over. I don’t feel like I get to have my own adult life or sense of identity outside of her and these issues so perhaps dating this guy also gave me a sense of MY OWN LIFE. I’ve never moved out of the house or had my own separate life outside of her. No wonder I’m mourning so many losses with him. It seems like money issues and repairs constantly keep us stuck in a hole and the thought of just a day trip somewhere for fun is unimaginable for my family. Meanwhile, his parents were just on a 3 week trip to Italy. Sadly, my mom is already heading towards 70 in a few months and I fear more than anything that by the time I’ll be finally able to move out, she’s gonna need me more than ever. I don’t want to abandon her when her health goes seriously downhill. I could never live with myself if something happened to her without me being there for her. I know I have to live my own life, but the guilt I’d feel from that would be horrific. I had found common ground with my ex over this too, as his parents were in their 70’s as well and he understood my concerns. He felt the same sense of responsibility to his parents.

Your point about me looking much more into things than him is also probably what happened. I know on most subjects that was our dynamic and we’d even joke about it. I saw a lot of emotional availability and intentionality from him at the beginning into a few months of dating. I genuinely thought I felt his passion for me for awhile so I hope I wasn’t imagining that. It hurts to think he never saw a future with me or any sort of commitment from the start, and rather he treated us as a guinea pig first relationship project. That makes it feel like EVERYTHING was a lie or wasn’t genuine for him and he was thinking of future prospects this whole time. After I asked him what his first impression of me was when he first saw me, he said, “that this girl is definitely gonna ruin my life.” I took that to mean that he felt I was out of his league and I’d break his heart. Funny how the roles reversed. I feel the sad truth is that regardless of all of the details of what caused what, he lost attraction to me and this relationship at some point and I can’t help but feel so embarrassed about being led on. I guess it’s for the best he finally ended it if that’s truly how he feels. It’s just hard to know how to feel about him because I don’t know what his motives were. If he didn’t mean to do any of this harm, that’s one thing. If it was intentional and careless and he just used me as a rebound, that’s another.

Hi, Anita.

Thank you again, and your explanation over my stunted emotional growth is very helpful. I struggle immensely with self-regulating and trusting my own judgement. And yes, the attention and safety I felt from him was next level. My parents always struggled so badly with money and emotional/educational support for my autistic brother in the 90’s. Back when I was in counseling, my counselor suggested this may have been where my family enmeshment began – we had no outside support and we were in our own little helpless “bubble.” It was a liability issue to bring people in to help us. My dad had to quit his job to help my mom with my brother full-time at a certain point. I felt from at least the age of four that my parents were not capable of keeping me safe anymore because I could see them fearing for their own safety with how destructive my brother was getting. Plus, they coped with this isolation with alcohol. My teenage sister had to step in the role of my mother. When I am “adopted” by people who don’t struggle with these same things, life feels lighter and I get to escape my reality. But as you shared about your own experiences, I’m also met with immense guilt for getting to enjoy this peace without my family. I fear that bettering myself will only ever be met with this guilt. I truly feel for you as you say you’ve struggled with this too. I hope that you’re able to find moments of joy for yourself.

And no, I never saw any threats to my ex’s claims or intentions with me because he was a self-proclaimed dork who would rather play video games at this stage in his life than go out and party. He waited for months to have sex with me until I was ready and never once made me feel pressured, so I felt like he wasn’t the supposed bad person from his past. I never thought “wandering eyes” or him out late to dinner with an attractive coworker was even something I’d have to worry about. I thought that choosing a likeminded girl who appreciated mattered more than careless flings. Our dates were always dork fests of fun and he orchestrated most of them. I did think his passion for us would transition eventually into more. He used to refer to hypothetical future plans as if we were a team. I had assumed we’d move closer to each other and get our own places first. I worry that in the FaceTime breakup call, me saying “moving in” and “possibly marriage one day” completely gave him the wrong idea and he ran for good. I don’t even know if I want marriage ever to anyone. I was just trying to bring home the idea that I was committed.

His inability to follow through with life planning possibly affecting him not getting a degree like the rest of his family is also something we discussed. He told me school was not for him with how his brain works. He went to trade school and got a very well paying welding job. But then COVID hit and his company was laid off. I tried to tell him that his skills are in different areas than his family and that he should be proud of his unique talents. He scoffed. It frustrated me that he never seemed to absorb any of my compliments or support. I always wondered if me having my bachelor’s degree ever bothered him. My degree was only made possible through many Pell grants, Chegg, and the jobs I worked while in school. I had online classes because I could never afford on campus or to move. He seemed proud of my degree when we first met, but I wore my alumni sweatshirt with him a month ago or so and he mocked it jokingly.

My family definitely couldn’t afford senior care. However, my mom, sister, and I have all worked in a nursing home before and we’ve seen horrors so I’d feel a lot of guilt to send my mom there. And no, I don’t think I ever expected or hoped for his family to financially take burden off of me or my family. I want to prove to myself I can do things and I’d be too embarrassed to accept that. I think it was more so the illusion by proxy of feeling like I can have room to be hopeful and not feel constantly helpless. I had hoped he and I could build a life together, to save up for trips and such as a team. You’re probably right – he wasn’t deeply thinking about anything.

He messaged me last night after almost three full days of leaving me on read and not updating me about his dad’s condition like he said he would on Saturday. He sent me photos of his cat in a similar bat wing cat harness that I had joked about buying him before we broke up. I was completely confused and chose to not open the message fully or respond until tonight after work. I acknowledged the cat and then I asked him how his dad was. He replied that he’s getting the “best care in this Italian hospital.”

Hi, Anita.

Thank you, I will look into those meditations. And you’re right, the logic I keep trying to find in him is pointless. I don’t understand how someone seemingly so committed for months can just lose feelings so easily. Or how someone could enjoy a relationship with someone they never even planned on staying with, yet they discussed vasectomy plans with. The only rationalization my brain can understand is that he would become committed for the “right” woman who gives him “tough love.” I appreciate you for offering me alternative rationalizations for his behavior. I hope to get to where I can truly shut out my negative self-talk and blame.

I feel he’s now taking my friendship for granted as he seemed to do with our relationship. Maybe I’m wrong about both. The drastic change in energy from him in just the last week feels awful. I should probably go no contact for now even though I know that if I do this, I will most likely never hear from him again. I don’t want to ghost him, but I don’t know how to tell him that I need a pause from him without feeling more pathetic. As you said, I guess nothing I can do or say will really affect anything he feels about me.

Also, yes my brother has been evaluated and he does have sensory triggers, OCD, etc. Especially considering he can not verbally express any emotions. He started having his episodes at age 2 before their partying took off, but it’s no doubt they added fuel to the fire. My sister would often yell at my parents for it. He is in very good hands currently where they take his health seriously and I am VERY grateful to his caretakers. We visit him often so that’s really nice.

Your NYC story resonated so much with me. I’ve tried to make my own experiences on my own. And then as soon as I try to include my family, they stress out over the new experience. I have to be the “guide” while we get frustrated with each other. I can’t seem to enjoy or recreate the experiences I had (with the person who “impressed” me) with my family or friends, and I can’t enjoy the experiences without them. I feel guilty and unappreciative. Your experience gives me some hope that I can work my way through this ongoing problem. I’ve been aware of it since I was in therapy, but perhaps this breakup was a final warning. No more relationships and life experiences where I feel inherently unworthy and guilty would be great.

My mom frequently expresses how money is her only solution to happiness. I try to tell her that she needs to find hobbies that bring her joy and meaning to her life. She gets offended and tells me that all of her hobbies require money or her health, and that all of the constant repairs and debt she has keeps her trapped. I don’t want to accept that my mom is right about money because if she is right, I can’t be mad at her for doing nothing to help herself. I feel like I can’t tell her to stop complaining to me because she’s getting old and I don’t want to cause her any more distress than I already do. Weeks before my breakup, I was having the worst financial and health related month (July) and my health anxiety was obsessive (still is). She went off on me and said I was insufferable to live with. My sister agreed and said I was negatively affecting our mom’s health. To hear this same sentiment coming from my ex as one of the reasons for why he lost feelings for me on the night he broke up with me was not easy to take. I know I need professional help with my health anxiety. I cannot afford it, and this only reinforces my fears of  what my mom says about money.