Home→Forums→Relationships→EXPERIENCING DEEP DISAPPOINT IN FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
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Anonymous.
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August 17, 2018 at 6:48 pm #221983
ManyfiresParticipantI haven’t had a good relationship with my family for most of my life. This was because at 14 I was accused of doing something to my Aunt’s clothes (the truth would come out later that it was her daughter who had done it in anger). I told them I hadn’t done it but no one believed me. No one stood up for me, not even my Mother (who had to live with my Aunt). My cousin, who was my BF, was taken out of my room. They told me it was because I didn’t deserve to be with family. I wasn’t allowed to even eat with the family. The more I denied it, the worse the treatment became and the more angry and rebellious I became. My Aunt made sure that I was ostracized from the family for years…making sure that my sister and brother benefited financially.
Recently, my mother passed in July. Even though our relationship had been contentious when I was younger, I loved her and cared about her so I went to the service. I had to sit there with a brother who simply stopped talking to me 30 years ago with no word as to why (even though I asked) and a sister who had told me just 2 months prior) that she wanted me to die…literally told me she wanted me to drop dead right then.
And then there is my daughter…our relationship can be summed up this way: when a rare aggressive cancer developed in my back, she didn’t even come to see me once in the hospital. Instead, she partied at my house and drove my truck. (she didn’t live with me). Because family has always been important to me, I did what my family never did for me…I was always there for my daughter. Rescuing her, her 2 sons and dogs when her husband put her out on the street in Colorado; when her boyfriend beat her up; sending her money when the car broke down or my grandson needed clothes/shoes.
2 days ago, my daughter texted me that she appreciated the money I sent. I asked her why hadn’t she called me to talk to me in person. She told me she couldn’t remember to call me. I responded by saying I was deeply saddened that she said that after all the help for the last 20 years. No response.
Today, I am feeling disappointment, anger, discouragement and deep sadness that I don’t have a real honest-to-goodness loving family.
Any thoughtful ideas as to how I can lay those feelings down and let go of the hurt would be appreciated.
August 18, 2018 at 6:40 am #222007
AnonymousGuestDear Manyfires:
If I understand it correctly, the following happened: you, your mother, a brother and sister all lived with your aunt and her daughter (there may have been more people living there). You shared a room with her daughter, your cousin and best friend. At one point, when you were 14, her daughter did something to her mother’s clothes and she, her mother/ your aunt blamed you for it.
No matter how many times you denied it, the blame continued and so did the punishment, removing your cousin from your room, not allowing you to sit with the family to eat and other punishments. Your mother didn’t defend you and your brother and sister to this very day, mistreat you.
No wonder you are “experiencing deep disappoint(ment) in family relationships”- what happened to you is a tragedy, really. You were used as a scapegoat, reads to me, chosen as the one to blame, a target and one to exclude so that your aunt will feel better. And your mother cared about the person in charge of the place, the person in power of her living situation, willing to sacrifice her own daughter so to have a place to live and be at peace with the person in power.
What a shame that this happened to you, an incredible injustice. Incredible for it to have lasted throughout your childhood, since being 14 and never corrected.
About your daughter, if you would like to share more about how the poor relationship between you and her came about, please do. Reads to me that she had children very young, in her teens?
anita
August 18, 2018 at 7:11 am #222017ManyfiresParticipantThank you Anita for your words…and your compassion. Both are appreciated. Yes, I see now that I was a scapegoat. And you are right about my daughter having a son in her teens.
I realize there’s not much I can do about this except to shut the door and walk away. Trouble is, the hurt and the pain doesn’t go away when I shut the door. I still feel the anger and resentment and it colors all my relationships.
Any suggestions about letting go (and I mean really letting go) of the hurt and anger?
Blessings!
August 18, 2018 at 7:28 am #222019AnonymousGuestDear Manyfires:
You are welcome. In regard to letting go of the hurt and the anger at your aunt, siblings, the people who scapegoated you when you were a teenager and on, and still, I would say that it is most important that you have no contact with any of them, none whatsoever, not a word exchanged for any reason. It must be clear to any one of them that indeed you will have no interaction with them, no matter what, that you will never again see them, or hear their voices.
You must make yourself perfectly unavailable for any future scapegoating, the replaying of the old or being the target to scapegoat you in new situations.
When I cut all contact with my mother, it was important to me that the no contact exists no matter what. I had to trust myself this way, to no longer put myself in a situation where I see her or hear her voice.
When you are safe this way, trusting yourself to no longer be mistreated by these particular people, then, in that safety, the hurt and anger can slowly weaken. Anger motivates all animals to fight, this is the purpose of anger in nature. When you feel safe, there is no longer danger, no longer the need to fight, and the anger weakens.
anita
August 18, 2018 at 7:29 am #222021AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
August 18, 2018 at 8:09 am #222025ManyfiresParticipantI have closed those doors to the family but I haven’t closed the door to my daughter yet as I can feel her struggling with some issue surrounding me. I shared how I felt (saddened) and that’s all I can do. I would like all the anger and resentment to drain away and no longer feel like a victim that I don’t have decent family relationships.
*BTW, I had a difficult time finding my way back to this post on my cell phone. I thought there might be a link in the email I received but there wasn’t one.
August 18, 2018 at 9:09 am #222029AnonymousGuestDear Manyfires:
I don’t know about the tech difficulty you are having (I am low tech myself). It is a good thing you closed your doors to your family of origin, aunt, siblings. I didn’t suggest you close your doors to your daughter. She was not part of the scapegoating, part of that terrible injustice done to you.
If you would like to share more about your relationship with your daughter, the history of it, please do.
anita
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