I’m writing because I feel like I’m on the verge of an emotional breakdown and writing helps me to clear my head, but I’m also hopeful that maybe I can get some feedback that will help me to feel supported.

I’ve been having an existential crisis for the past month or so. I’ve encountered hurdles to following my dream and becoming an oriental medicine practitioner for the past eight years. I’ve overcome health issues related to my studies, schools closing and changing schools several times. The time and money I’ve invested won’t let me quit. It’s also the only thing I want to do in life. After my school closed last year, I decided to make a change and move away to a new place and school where I didn’t know anyone. I thought I would be getting a better quality education, so I sucked up the increased tuition and cost of moving. Things have been difficult since I’ve gotten here, but I’ve been grateful and content and trying to always find the best in every situation. I’ve been taking the initiative to get the education I need, sometimes speaking out and asking for help from the school admin and my teachers.

I feel defeated and confused because doing so has led harsh treatment by those who I assumed would welcome my requests. I thought I was coming to a good school with supportive staff, but found that any comment I make is taken as a insult to the way things are done. I’m always very respectful because I respect my teachers and could not be more considerate. The way they respond to my simply asking for help is making me feel like I’m telling them they’re awful. There’s a language barrier that might be exacerbating the problem, but yet, it has been a rude awakening to be reprimanded by my teachers for asking for help. Especially since I’m a conscientious student and there are other students who barely show up who are treated with more respect.

Encountering this hurt and I was having a hard time recovering from it, since I have no support structure here and no one to talk to about it. I can’t tell family and friends because I just can’t for many reasons.

To add to this, I was injured by a fellow student during a treatment. I see that the students here are very detached from their roles as healers. The way things are taught here are contrary to the way that the medicine should be instructed. Very inconsiderate of patient’s wellbeing. And students who are about to graduate barely know things that students in my old school learned the first or second year. If I thought I was getting a better education, I’m sure I could justify the treatment and my suffering. It’s just an all-around disaster. There’s even petty fellow students who gossip and tattle and are cut-throat and try to throw you under the bus. I don’t know how to deal with being mistreated and yelled at by teachers. At this point, I’m so frustrated I almost said back to them, “you should treat me with more kindness, my overpriced tuition is paying your salary!”

I guess my biggest concern is that I’m losing touch of who I am. I’m normally a caring, kind person who tries to look on the bright side of things. But my ego is bruised and it’s wanting to lash out. I’m getting defensive and losing touch with why I’m here, as well. I want to be a kind healer. I just don’t know what this environment is doing to my heart and soul.

I’ve prayed for help and guidance, but things keep getting harder. Usually, when down and out, and praying for support, I’ll be directed to something that helps me to copy, spiritually and regain my composure. This doesn’t seem to be happening. I feel like my life has progressively gotten more difficult to bear over the past 2 years and I’m getting to a place where I don’t even know why I’m here. I grow and find my peace within the turmoil, but ultimately, there’s such a huge hole in my being and I feel like I have no purpose. I don’t want to wish my life away, but I just don’t know how much more I can take before I turn into someone awful.