Dear Jessica,

To an extent, I think we all feel the need to be ‘looked after’ by someone else. It starts in childhood, when we are looked after by our parents, from the time we are indeed, babies to be ‘babied’. Most children, though, seem to kick off for independence a lot sooner, wanting to do things for themselves, going out into the big wide world and having friends. Do you have any friends, a circle of friends? A close friend?

At 21, I would have thought that letting your parents ‘still look after me way too much’ is actually hampering your growth into an adult. I wonder if your parents don’t want to let go and acknowledge that you are now an adult and need to stand on your own two feet. I wonder if they are contributing to your ‘neediness’ of others and your expectation that others will look after you as they have always done.

You have taken steps to become more independent though, going out on your own, for example, to art galleries and so on. So you are moving forwards, which is good.

In what ways do your parents still ‘look after you way too much’?

The answers to these questions might help us to understand your situation a bit more.

with best wishes,

Jay

Jessica

My guess is that you are an only child, the youngest or the only girl in the family. Have your parents always did things for you? You really did not learn Independence?

It seems that you have the right idea on how to Learn to be independent by moving out once you have the resources.

In the meantime, focus on doing more things on your own

Family situation:
In regards to how my parents are looking after me too much. For example if they decided to go on a holiday for a week. My mum would prepare meals for me to have everyday and would call me everynight to check in that everything is okay. They would also feel bad about leaving me and my mum would worry about me being alone. Even though I have been totally fine in the past.

This really sounds like your mum is suffering from separation anxiety over leaving you. Or perhaps guilty about leaving you. That your Mum assumes you won’t be able to cope or feed yourself even, unless she is in control of your situation, even if that control is from a distance. Bless her, she is unable to see you as an adult, but sees you more as a child in need of her care and constant attention. It’s up to you to change her mindset really, as simply accepting this way of her doing things is not really good for either of you.

As an only child herself, your mum would be repeating behaviour from her own childhood of growing up and this might be the reason she babies you. I think it’s up to you to let her know that you will be perfectly able to cook your own meals, etc., while she is away and maybe go some way towards releasing her from her anxiety over whether you can cope or not. She obviously feels that you can’t look after yourself, whereas you know you can. Perhaps you could cook some meals some days instead of her – show her that you can do it, rather than simply accepting that it’s her role to ‘look after you’?

How do you see her reacting if you did leave home? I mean if you left home right now, without doing the above?

Jay

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by JayJay.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by JayJay.

Dear Jess:

You wrote: “I think you pointing out that I would be looked at as a woman and not a baby has helped me to see that this is where the care will come from”-

– excellent conclusion. What you demanded from your ex boyfriend was that he treats you as if you were a child and he was your substitute parent. Your parents were away from home and you demanded that he stays the night with you, a substitute for your absent parents. But as an adult, you should be okay with spending the night alone, if you live in a reasonably safe house and neighborhood.

No wonder he got frustrated, he didn’t want to be a babysitter/substitute parent, babysitting you and driving you around for errands like parents do, driving their children to school and then to after school activities.

Biologically and legally you are an adult, a woman, 21. When men see you, they see a woman, they see the body of a woman. And if they find you attractive, they will feel sexually attracted to you and they will be interested in .. well, satisfying their sexual desires. To live a functional life, a life that considers reality as it is, you have to see yourself as they see you- a woman.

You have a child like side to you, you wrote in your original post, you “love to have fun, dress up, watch kid movies” etc. That is fine, keep that child like side. As a matter of fact, none of us lose that child that we were, and if you pay attention you will see old people behaving like happy children, at times, when they are relaxed and in company.

Keep your child side because it is not going anywhere but develop your adult side, become the woman you already are. When you are ready for a boyfriend, not a substitute parent, then attempt a romantic relationship. Together with a future boyfriend, the two of you should have fun, like children, but each one of you should individually take care of the business of adult living, such as spending night alone and using pubic transportation.

anita

You are welcome, Jess. Post again anytime you want to.

anita