HomeāForumsāRelationshipsāEx or new guy
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November 25, 2018 at 11:42 am #248499VLC90Participant
I apologize in advance for the length that may become of this forum post, and thank all those who take the time to reply š
I have been experiencing some turmoil of what to do in my relationship. It seems as though in all other parts of my life I am able to reflect on what it is I want with clarity and make decisions, however, relationships have always been an issue in the sense that I lack clarity.
My ex and I had been dating for two years. He is a very patient and understanding man who I know loves me dearly. When we were together, our relationship lacked a few things that I mentioned to him at several points throughout. For example, he was not affectionate, sex was very selfish, he wouldnāt talk about a timeline for getting engaged and moving in, and I often felt that he was unkind towards others. I loved him through all of this until one day I felt as though I was not myself anymore, and ended the relationship ship. This was about 6 months ago. When I left the relationship I felt immediate relief and noticed that I had felt these uncomfortable feelings about my ex for over a year.
About two months ago, I started dating a coworker of mine who had tried to pursue me for over a year, which I paid no attention to other than friends. I genuinely enjoyed my company with him and we laugh our heads off whenever weāre together. So it felt right when we started dating. It felt like a friendship which is something that I really lacked in my last relationship (the fun and friendship part). Things were going really well; however, I didnāt feel right making the relationship official because my ex has constantly been in the picture begging me to give him another chance. He has said that his life isnāt the same without me and he will do anything to prove that he is different now. I am torn because I care so deeply about my ex and worry that I will not get the things that I got from him from my new relationship. Specifically, the feeling of security and calmness that I felt with my ex.
I am having a hard time making a decision on what my next step should be. Or how to even take a step forward to come to that decision. Any help or suggestion would be useful. Thank you so much!
November 25, 2018 at 12:04 pm #248515AnonymousGuestDear VLC90:
You asked “how to even take a step forwardĀ toĀ come to that decision”.
A step toward forĀ me in understanding your situation would be toĀ ask you regarding “the feeling of security and calmness” that you felt with your ex- was just a feeling or if it was a feelingĀ based on real life security thatĀ heĀ provided you with and which you can rely on now?
If it is the latter, what security did he and will he provide you with?
anita
November 25, 2018 at 12:50 pm #248525VLC90ParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your reply. The feeling of security and calmness came from his patience and understanding of me. When I feel uncomfortable or nervous about our relationship, he is really good at being logical and calming me down. He also accepts who I am and understands me more than I have experienced before. There is an element of financial security that comes from him which isnāt a huge factor, but is still there. The big problem is that even with this, Iāve always felt like something is off and not quite right with the relationship.
November 25, 2018 at 1:04 pm #248529ElianaParticipantHi VLC90,
You mentioned several things about your ex..you said you felt he was “unkind to people” which to me would be a game changer..you also mentioned no timeline, so even if you did get back with him, the old feelings of frustration would come back. You also mentioned sex was very selfish, which I don’t quite know what is meant by that, and that you felt something was missing. He now is lonely and having 2nd thoughts, but how has he changed? What steps has he taken to change and get better..has he had counseling sessions? Just some things to ponder..x
November 25, 2018 at 1:18 pm #248539VLC90ParticipantHi Eliana,
Thank you for your reply. Yes, him being unkind was a big problem for me. Following our breakup, he has shortened his rent lease. He said that he did that so we can buy a place together and that he now wants to talk about all of the things that I wanted to discuss before. Prior to our breakup, any mention of these things was a very negative experience. So I find it a bit overwhelming that he wants to change these things so suddenly.
In regards to sex, it was selfish in the sense that it would be quick. He would finish and he wouldnāt take care of me in the same way. Which I found very frustrating. He also mentions that he was aware of this and wants to change it.
throughout this process, he said he has spoken to many people and has reflected on how selfish heās been. He said he spoke to his family and they said heās always had an issue of treating those who loved him most poorly because he just assumed that theyād always be there. Now he is saying that heās ready to devote his life to me and making me happy.
November 26, 2018 at 6:46 am #248599AnonymousGuestDear VLC90:
To suggest anything possibly useful to you I need more information:
1. “WhenĀ I feel uncomfortable or nervous about our relationship, he is reallyĀ good at being logical and calming me down”- what does he say to you that is logical and calms you down?
2. “He also acceptsĀ who I am andĀ understands me more than I have experienced before”- what does heĀ say and do that communicates to you that he accepts and understands you so well?
3. “Prior to our breakup, any mention of theseĀ things was a very negative experience”- what things and what was the negative experiences like?
anita
November 26, 2018 at 8:49 am #248613InkyParticipantHi VLC90,
You have only been broken up for a relatively short time. It’s not like he’s had time to TRULY change for the better. It’s just that he’s figured out that he better play better with others or he’ll be lonely.
While I don’t condone dating a workmate, just tell your ex-boyfriend: “I’ve met someone”. That’s it. No further discussion.
By the way, instead of choosing one or the other, why don’t you choose YOU?
Best,
Inky
November 26, 2018 at 11:45 am #248645VLC90ParticipantHi Anita,
I will try to answer them as thoroughly as possible. As you can imagine, there are many details that have been left out because of the length and depth of relationships, so I appreciate your questions.
1. āWhenĀ I feel uncomfortable or nervous about our relationship, he is reallyĀ good at being logical and calming me downā- what does he say to you that is logical and calms you down?
– When I feel uncomfortable about our relationship, it is generally because something did not feel right. While I mentioned the issues that had bothered me at multiple times throughout our relationship, I found that they would be worked on for a bit and then the pattern would continue. When I would vocalize how I was feeling, or feeling anxious, he would talk to me about what I was feeling, which I assumed was relationship OCD, and talk to me about how I should work through my feelings and that I know they are just my fears coming through. He would also talk to me about the great parts of our relationship, which I sometimes had a hard time seeing.
2. āHe also acceptsĀ who I am andĀ understands me more than I have experienced beforeā- what does heĀ say and do that communicates to you that he accepts and understands you so well?
– I feel like he understand and accepts me very well because he can anticipate how I will respond to situations and adjust. While I feel as though I had lost my fun side around him, I do feel as though intellectually and emotionally we understood each other because of our ability to work through conflict.
3. āPrior to our breakup, any mention of theseĀ things was a very negative experienceā- what things and what was the negative experiences like?
– Prior to our breakup, anytime I would mention getting married or engaged or moving in, it would be met with a brash response such as “it’s not happening now so why bother talking about it”. Which discouraged me from wanting to bring it up. Following our relationship, he said that he understands that he was afraid of fully committing and now wants to talk about all of the things I wanted to talk about, and even gave a year timeline, which now frightens me. It was negative because I could not get excited about our future.
November 26, 2018 at 12:34 pm #248659AnonymousGuestDear VLC90:
I want to read your recent post attentively and I will be able to doĀ so when I return to the computer in about fifteen hours. If you have anything to add to your recent postĀ before I am back, please do. I will reply when I am back.
anita
November 26, 2018 at 3:01 pm #248683VLC90ParticipantHi Inky,
Thank you for your reply! The person I am dating no longer works with me, as I am also against dating in the workplace.
I guess my concern is being unfair and not giving someone another chance after all the time we spent together. I also worry about regretting this in the future.
November 27, 2018 at 7:02 am #253663AnonymousGuestDear VLC90:
You wrote about the feeling you had in your previous relationship: “the feeling of security and calmness that I feltĀ withĀ my ex”. Problem is you got thatĀ feeling every once in a while following the distress you feltĀ otherwise in that relationship: “he was not affectionate, sex was very selfish… I feltĀ as though I was notĀ myself anymore… WhenĀ I left theĀ relationship I feltĀ immediateĀ relief and noticed that I hadĀ feltĀ these uncomfortable feelingsĀ aboutĀ my exĀ for over a year.”
So for over a year, you felt uncomfortable with your ex, and onceĀ in a while, when you feltĀ uncomfortable, he would make you feel better. ThatĀ calm wouldĀ lastĀ for a little whileĀ and the discomfort resumed.
You mentioned Relationship OCD, if thatĀ was part of theĀ conversations with your ex that made you feel better (?), that means that the… blameĀ for theĀ discomfort was placed on an issue you alone have, not him, a disorderĀ (ROCD), correct?
For a woman suffering from ROCD,Ā it doesn’t make it so thatĀ every man is the right man for her; it doesn’t mean that all problems in a relationship are a resultĀ of her issues, all a matter of OCD.
Of the two options at thisĀ point, itĀ seems to me that the “new guy”Ā is a better option.
anita
November 27, 2018 at 8:08 am #257581VLC90ParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your reply.
I agree with everything that you are saying, and have thought the same things, and have mentioned this to him. I think the issue is that I see him in so much pain and he is saying that he has changed and wants to change for our future. He is talking about moving in together now, and that he understands where he was selfish in the relationship. I am still feeling unsure and uncomfortable. I think my big issue is that I am going to regret not giving him a second chance and worry that I am not being fair.
I have gone on a few dates with him, and have yet to feel anything sexual. But I do feel that sense of comfort that I was mentioning earlier.
Thank you again,
VLC90
November 27, 2018 at 8:50 am #259619AnonymousGuestDear VLC90:
ItĀ isĀ difficult to see a personĀ you care forĀ beingĀ in pain. I doĀ hope he feels better soon. But you getting back with him because he is in pain is not the answer when that means thatĀ the resultĀ will beĀ the two of you ending up in pain.
Sinking into someone else’sĀ pain is a no win situation.
With theĀ new guy, you haven’tĀ had pain yet, correct? I vote for being withĀ himĀ overĀ getting back together with theĀ ex.
(He told you he changed or will change… if it wasĀ only that easy or fast).
anita
November 29, 2018 at 7:41 am #266771VLC90ParticipantHi Anita,
I am having a difficult time with this as I still feel so connected to him. For the most part, I am okay not speaking with him, seeing him, or having sex with him, but I canāt seem to let it go completely.
I am worried that the excitement of this new relationship with my friend is confusing me from seeing what I actually have in my ex. Another part, of me thinks that it shouldnāt be this complicated. I do find though that because of my past experience with an old therapist, I was told that I am experiencing these feelings because of my inner child. So I am having a hard time trusting myself as a result.
November 29, 2018 at 7:51 am #266775AnonymousGuestDearĀ VLC90:
What did the old therapist say regarding your inner child in connection to your attachment to this man?
anita
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