Hello Everyone !
You guys at TB are so full of wisdom and have been doing an amazing job. I have been dealing with this problem for over eight month now. So any suggestions/advice to help me deal with it are most welcome.
I broke up with my boyfriend after a three year long relationship last year. We were on and off frequently. It was all fine for the first two years when we were in the same school. After we took our jobs in different cities, things spiraled downwards fast. I always felt unfulfilled in this relation. Somewhere he never trusted me. I finally had the courage to break up last year in December after lots and lots of thoughts. It was a very messy break up. We fought and he accused and verbally abused me for long. He finally let go of all those things in March and we entered a no contact for two months.
It was an emotionally charged period for me. I lost my dad to illness and had to deal with lots of problems at work. I found solace in a colleague who supported me in this tough time and became one of my best friends and confidant. I was taking things slow as I was still hurting so much and was aware that I need to deal with my monsters before starting anything new.
Things were looking good but suddenly my ex popped up on the scene and with him all the bitterness came back in June. I resisted talking to him but it was just too much too handle. Finally I agreed to meet him for a few days and I traveled to his city. I had made clear that we will meet ‘as exes/friends’ and ‘talk’ to sort the things. He agreed but then when we met, he behaved like we are back together, just like the old times and nothing had changed. I tried telling him and talking to him but he kept on saying that ‘things will be good, now that I am back’ and asked me to marry him. In July I had this work tour and I again ended up in his city and met him once again. I gave in to his constant pressure and finally took the leap of faith and agreed to marry him. But on my way back I realized that it is not what my heart wants and just giving in to his demands. I am partly still guilty of breaking up with him and leaving him all alone to deal with it. Despite all that happened between us, he still insists that he wants me back, no matter what.
I told him that we have to close the book rather than turning on a new chapter when I had some clarity in my mind in as gentle way as I could. It again triggered the verbal abuse cycle (he used to text me like 2-3 times everyday writing words that sting) and now he is like I shouldn’t have met him and I toyed with him and he will die without me. I am not responding to him but I am afraid that he might take any drastic steps.
All I want that he should be fine and move on. I want him to ‘let go’. I cannot be his crutch anymore. I have broken my heart numerous times in the process and it’s too much to take at times. How should I deal with this?