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Ex Has a boyfriend…

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  • September 21, 2014 at 9:11 am #65305
    yoda428
    Participant

    ….and she told the kids not to tell me. WFT? Although I’m honest enough to know why she wouldn’t want me to know, putting the kids in that spot of having them to keep a secret is a poor choice – puts them in a posistion of having to lie and then what kind of message is she sending about me.

    I saw it coming – it was obvious – and of course she was going to find one first because she hasn’t done the work and is going to pick the first thing that comes around.

    I need to keep my boundaries – I don’t even want to see or acknowledge her. There’s a thing at school this week – I don’t even want to have her sit next to me and act like nothings wrong. I hate wondering if I’m not being “big enough” to just sit there and be all la-di-fricken-da. This isn’t a thing to her at all and I’m dying inside and she’ll turn that to me not being mature enough or we could’ve been friends if you weren’t a jerk. I mean come on – this hurts like hell. Stay away and leave me alone and don’t make our kids have to live in secrets so their poor father doesn’t find out because he can’t handle it. Are you serious?

    Appreciate thoughts and perspectives on this.

    September 21, 2014 at 12:17 pm #65308
    yoda428
    Participant

    I feel like I’m in a world all by myself and nobody gets me – am I so lost I can’t even see how I come across?

    The fact that no one has responded – while I’m sitting here aching – makes me think, “boy that guys messed up, I’m not responding to him.”

    Can I get some perspective?

    September 21, 2014 at 2:01 pm #65321
    Matt
    Participant

    Yoda,

    It takes time to get good responses, and most of us are usually pretty busy in our own lives too, the 4 hours with no response has little to do with you or your compass.

    I’m sorry for your pain, brother, and can understand the difficulty in staying “on our side of the street”, such as taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and emotions. On one hand, the “whole ex situation” stirs up lots of feelings, but on the other, her business is her business. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Its normal, and natural to be a mix of angry and jealous when our ex starts dating again. Its fine to think its too soon, and perhaps it is, but to “hope she gets what she deserves” really just embitters your own heart. If you can, try to just rest with the hope that she figures out her balance, finds happiness, heals whatever hurts, and so forth. This disentangles your own heart from the situation, frees you up to think about other things. Process what you need to process, go punch a bag or do some squats, go for a run, cry it out, whatever feels right. Just don’t cycle in that want for her world to be painful. Not good for ya.

    About the kids… yes, its dumb to put the kids in such a position, on top of all the other difficulty they may be going through, but it is what it is. Instead of attacking at her, such as “how dare she do that!”, consider just meeting it with grace. Such as a conversation with the kids “oh, don’t worry about that. Mom was just scared I’d be hurt. But you know how much fun mom is when she’s happy? She’s looking for that. Good for her!” or whatnot. Validate her side, assure the kids that mom is beautiful, a safe home, and then let it go. Maybe go out for ice cream, or to the zoo, or whatnot. Drop the mom side and just build your own memories. In the absence of the inner fight with their mom, you can just go party with your kids (in whatever way fits your mutual interests).

    Finally, what work are you doing, in terms of grieving and healing? Seeing a therapist? Joined a support group? A yoga class? Good friends you can confide in? Its OK to feel like a balloon that’s going to pop, but try to reach out (more than just to internet forums). Being strong includes having the courage to get help when we need it.

    Namaste, brother, may your heart grow lighter, stronger.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    September 22, 2014 at 4:25 am #65342
    Inky
    Participant

    Matt gave some good advice!

    Also, There’s the hurt (that you won’t admit in front of her) and then there’s the hurt from her thinking you can’t handle the truth (which is shame, but you experience the emotion as anger). In her defense, as a woman, I wouldn’t want my ex to know about any new boyfriends ~ I’d love them enough not to want them to experience hurt. On the flip side, some women won’t do this and then the two guys get jealous. Because her keeping him a secret means that she really likes this guy AND really cares for your feelings ~ it’s over, or she would (subconsciously) triangulate you (by not saying anything to the kids).

    Clearly, she is “wrong” for choosing a new boyfriend right off the bat. I agree with you there. But, that’s just our opinion, and it’s a free country. There is nothing written down by God about a set mourning period after the end of a relationship.

    You could also tell the kids not to tell mommy about daddy’s new girlfriend one day because she can’t handle it. But kids (and most people) instinctively know the truth, who the weak ones are, what the deal is. So don’t worry about looking “weak” in front of the children.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
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