Home→Forums→Relationships→Ex fiancé wants to meet
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Helcat.
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June 30, 2024 at 7:02 am #434395
Debs123
ParticipantMy ex of 2 years recently asked if I wanted to have dinner. I agreed. This comes after I reached out to him a year or so ago ( he ended things) to see if we could meet. My intentions being to try again. He agreed to talk via text first and ultimately decided not to meet me and ended it with he will always have feelings for me, wished me the best etc. It was at that moment I finally decided to let go and move past this, got myself into counseling and was doing great. Until 4 months ago he sends a random text, just a link to an article about something he clearly knew I’d know about (my fav golfer being disqualified) with a laughing emoji. I ignored it. WTH? You told me you didn’t want to see me. Well in May we started talking a bit, just light conversation and not often. He’s now asked me to dinner. He said he’s excited to see me and catch up. What does that even mean? I still love him. Catching up and parting ways will be hard for me. It would be too hard for me to be friends also. Ugh. Confused. And….. it’s been over a week since he’s asked to meet, no word.June 30, 2024 at 10:00 am #434423anita
ParticipantDear Debs123:
He ended the relationship. A year after he did, you reached out to him with the intent to try again. He declined, adding that he will always have feelings for you. About Feb this year, he sent you a random text with a laughing emoji. In May the two of you had infrequent light conversations, and recently he asked you to dinner, saying he’s excited to see you and catch up.
“What does that even mean? I still love him. Catching up and parting ways will be hard for me. It would be too hard for me to be friends also. Ugh. Confused. And….. it’s been over a week since he’s asked to meet, no word.“- reads not promising in regard to having a serious relationship; reads like he is a bit flaky, not reliable, saying things because it’s easy to say things, things that may be true only for the moment.
Is this true/ has it been true to him?
anita
June 30, 2024 at 12:32 pm #434428Helcat
ParticipantHi Debs123
It sounds like you already have a good handle on how you feel about the situation. Have you discussed how you feel about the situation with him? If not, is there something holding you back from doing that?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
June 30, 2024 at 3:52 pm #434446Debs123
ParticipantThanks, Anita, for your response. I accidentally hit “report” instead of “reply” first. I don’t know if that does anything. My apologies, if so. I’m not even sure I am replying correctly, lol.
I’d say, yes, it’s just true in the moment for him. He said a lot of things, that I’ve even thought to myself in the past – he felt it at that moment. Because who walks away again and again after making commitment after commitment? Embarrassingly, I admit, I kept going back to him. Believing him. Believing he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me. But he left me 3 times, bailing in commitments he made, leaving me worse off than the time before. Specifically, financially. Truly, over time, I became an emotional mess. I always felt something was off, sensed he was lying to me about things. But could never catch him in anything. Until the last breakup. He got caught in a lie, one that made zero sense to even lie about. Said it was the only time he lied, only to slip up the very next day about another lie he told. So he lied about lying. Two weeks later he dumped me (this was 2 years ago -my post). I had just taken another job, making less pay. I had been looking because I was not happy at my current job. He was influential in this decision. It was fully remote, way better benefits and 401k. He said he’d supplement my income until we could buy a house together. And he bailed, less than 2 months later, citing communication problems. My God, I’m rambling. Why would I even want to see him ever again???
June 30, 2024 at 4:00 pm #434448Debs123
ParticipantHi Helcat
Thank you for responding. I have not asked him, as I had planned to do that all at dinner. But, he has not bothered to reach out again. I don’t think it’s a good idea to see him. I feel he’s toying with me, possibly. I just can’t be sure. Ego boost? He knows how I feel about him, yet is making little effort. What am I thinking, anyway? He’s not good for me. My family and friends would be appalled if they knew we talked. That says a lot.
June 30, 2024 at 6:37 pm #434450anita
ParticipantDear Debs123: I’ll read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.
anita
June 30, 2024 at 11:58 pm #434460Helcat
ParticipantHi Debs123
If he does not reach out that is a good thing and he has done that for you.
You know that this backwards and forwards pattern with him isn’t healthy.
Ego boost? Quite possibly. It is nice for him to have someone that keeps taking him back over and over no matter what he does. And he can just break up and whenever he wants to!
You deserve so much more. It is sad that you haven’t believed that you do. Time for that to change?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 1, 2024 at 9:23 am #434480anita
ParticipantDear Debs123:
You are welcome!
“I accidentally hit ‘report’… My apologies“- mistakes happen, you are forgiven for being human!
“he left me 3 times, bailing in commitments he made, leaving me worse off than the time before. Specifically, financially… He got caught in a lie, one that made zero sense to even lie about. Said it was the only time he lied, only to slip up the very next day about another lie he told. So he lied about lying“- talking about mistakes (above), lying is not a mistake such as unintentionally hitting the wrong key on your keyboard. Lying is intentional, intended to deceive. His behavior overtime is a pattern of misbehavior that has hurt and harmed you.
“Why would I even want to see him ever again???“- good question and I would like to explore the answer with you. Would you like that?
anita
July 1, 2024 at 1:03 pm #434487Tommy
ParticipantDear Deb123,
Yes, he has treated you badly before and there is no indication that will change in the future. I am well aware of men’s behavior of not being sure about a woman. He likes you but doesn’t want to commit if another woman comes along. So thinking playing the field. But, it is only hurting you. So, it is time to cut this loose and move on. My advice is not always the best nor does anyone want to listen to me. But, you even said it yourself. Why would you even want to see him ever again?
Tommy
July 1, 2024 at 5:58 pm #434511Debs123
Participant[quote quote=434480]Dear Debs123: You are welcome! “I accidentally hit ‘report’… My apologies“- mistakes happen, you are forgiven for being human! “he left me 3 times, bailing in commitments he made, leaving me worse off than the time before. Specifically, financially… He got caught in a lie, one that made zero sense to even lie about. Said it was the only time he lied, only to slip up the very next day about another lie he told. So he lied about lying“- talking about mistakes (above), lying is not a mistake such as unintentionally hitting the wrong key on your keyboard. Lying is intentional, intended to deceive. His behavior overtime is a pattern of misbehavior that has hurt and harmed you. “Why would I even want to see him ever again???“- good question and I would like to explore the answer with you. Would you like that? anita[/quote]
Hi Anita. Thank you, again, for your reply.
His lies are intentional and hurtful, not to mention wondering many, many times if he was lying. I had a lot of gut feelings he was lying on many occasions. These 2 I found out about…I had a gut feeling when they happened.
There’s more to the story, as there always is. He did nice things for me throughout the times we were together. He had a way of making me feel special, that I was important. However, he was unkind at times also, making jokes at my expense, saying mean things in the heat of the moment. He told me to go fix myself (I became insecure, doubting things he said, questioning so much, things like that). There just seemed to be something missing, holes in stories. He hated conflict, so when I would approach him about how I was feeling, like when he seemed “different” to me, he would eventually blow up at me because, for me, it just wasn’t resolved. He was tired of me bringing things up, that’s when he’d yell.
I can’t wrap my head around him rejecting me again and again, after promising me so much. A life together. How do you love someone and turn around and keep walking away? And why can’t I let it go? I know he is not good for me. I just want to forget him. I don’t know how. I don’t know why this is happening. I’ve been in relationships that have ended, and I’ve always moved past them. This is different. I feel like he played me every time, like he was pretending to be someone he’s really not. But gosh, he was so believable. It hurts my heart, still.
July 1, 2024 at 6:09 pm #434512Debs123
Participant[quote quote=434460]Hi Debs123 If he does not reach out that is a good thing and he has done that for you. You know that this backwards and forwards pattern with him isn’t healthy. Ego boost? Quite possibly. It is nice for him to have someone that keeps taking him back over and over no matter what he does. And he can just break up and whenever he wants to! You deserve so much more. It is sad that you haven’t believed that you do. Time for that to change? Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏[/quote]
thank you!
It is very sad, as it certainly looks like I feel I don’t deserve more. I know that I do. I let him do this to me, and it truly makes me feel like a fool.
It would be best that he never reaches out again and I somehow find a way to let it all go. I think part of the problem is I don’t understand. Everything he committed to, only to bail. Leaving me to figure out how I’m going pay the bills, figure out why he does this to me, figure out why I let him. And why I go back.
One day, one day! I’m going to get past it 😞
July 1, 2024 at 6:32 pm #434514Debs123
Participant[quote quote=434487]Dear Deb123, Yes, he has treated you badly before and there is no indication that will change in the future. I am well aware of men’s behavior of not being sure about a woman. He likes you but doesn’t want to commit if another woman comes along. So thinking playing the field. But, it is only hurting you. So, it is time to cut this loose and move on. My advice is not always the best nor does anyone want to listen to me. But, you even said it yourself. Why would you even want to see him ever again? Tommy[/quote]
Tommy,
thank you! Your advice is most likely spot on. I appreciate your honesty. And, I agree with what you’re saying. I feel he will never change and he will do to the next person what he did to me. Maybe not. Who knows. I want to get to the point where I just don’t care anymore
Debs
July 1, 2024 at 6:56 pm #434515anita
ParticipantDear Debs123:
You are welcome. “His lies are intentional and hurtful… he was unkind at times also, making jokes at my expense, saying mean things in the heat of the moment… he’d yell“, but he also made you feel special: “He had a way of making me feel special, that I was important“.
For a person who regularly feels, or has felt growing up, not special, not important, to get to feel special and important is intoxicating, like a dream come true.
“I can’t wrap my head around him rejecting me again and again, after promising me so much. A life together“- you felt that he promised you a lifetime of being special and important to him, as in.. heaven on earth (I might be exaggerating here, maybe not)?
“And why can’t I let it go?“- let him go, or let go of what he may have represented for you, if he did: a promise of a lifetime of being special and important?
Is it that for that promise you were willing to ignore his lies, occasional meanness, etc.?
anita
July 2, 2024 at 6:13 am #434539Debs123
Participant[quote quote=434515]Dear Debs123: You are welcome. “His lies are intentional and hurtful… he was unkind at times also, making jokes at my expense, saying mean things in the heat of the moment… he’d yell“, but he also made you feel special: “He had a way of making me feel special, that I was important“. For a person who regularly feels, or has felt growing up, not special, not important, to get to feel special and important is intoxicating, like a dream come true. “I can’t wrap my head around him rejecting me again and again, after promising me so much. A life together“- you felt that he promised you a lifetime of being special and important to him, as in.. heaven on earth (I might be exaggerating here, maybe not)? “And why can’t I let it go?“- let him go, or let go of what he may have represented for you, if he did: a promise of a lifetime of being special and important? Is it that for that promise you were willing to ignore his lies, occasional meanness, etc.? anita
Hi Anita
I appreciate your input, thank you.
I do think the promises he made over and over are some of the reason for staying. I wanted that life, but at what cost? The others, I loved him ( or thought I did?). I often thought he was lying, but couldn’t prove it. There were times I thought I was going crazy, unsure about what was real and what wasn’t. Was he even real? Was he hiding behind a mask? Was I just paranoid? How many lies were there? I wish he’d never sent that random text. I wish he didn’t ask me to dinner, and 2 weeks later, no word. I wish I hadn’t looked at the dating sites and seen him on several right now.
I probably sound off my rocker, because I should be able to just forget this man. He had shown me over and over that he can just leave. I was good to him, always there, always supportive, everything he was looking for…so he said… until I wasn’t. Again and again.
July 2, 2024 at 6:44 am #434540Helcat
ParticipantHi Debs
I think the issue is that some men lie and lay it on thick to get what they want. If they have nothing else that interests them, they come crawling back and say pretty words. But the trick is to compare their actions to their words. This is how you know if someone is being genuine. In his case his actions are always hot and cold. Would you agree? If a pretty word is a lie and not seen as genuine, it ceases to have the same effect.
I think that you started feeling this more recently. Not wanting to be pressured by him or sucked in by his words.
That is good that you know that you deserve more. You deserve the things he promised you, but not with him. With someone else. Someone who is genuine and when you compare their words to their actions it will make your heart sing.
It might be time for you to try your luck with dating. See if you can meet someone that you are actually compatible with. How does that idea make you feel? Is there anything holding you back?
Part of it may be that you actually care about him. It is hard to just stop caring about someone.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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