Dear AP:

“I just felt at home when I was by her side. I had never felt that before and not really since… that is what I miss. everyone’s dream.. Right?”

– Yes, the dream of a girl who never felt at home. The lonely, sad and angry girl dreams that one day she will find the home that she desperately needs. When she grows up into a woman,  she imagines that home is with a romantic partner. It is the feeling of home that the lonely girl/ woman desires.

This is what you would have done for that feeling-of-home: “I would do anything to have her in my life“.

But when she didn’t do enough to have you in her life, not having moved closer to you, you got angry and you pushed her. When she still did not move closer to you, you got angrier and “suggested that we see other people.. because she hurt me“- you made that suggestion not because you wanted to see other people, but because you wanted to hurt her back.

You then “pushed and pushed until she finally walked away“. Still angry at her, you behaved badly (“I felt rejected and hurt so I behaved badly“), and “she asked for no contact“. That was 2 years ago.

Currently, you are angry with her again: “I am just so angry.. I don’t even feel like a friend and I just can’t get rid of the anger.. I don’t want to go in like a bull in a China shop“.

A child, feeling alone and lonely at home dreams that one day she will have a real home, a home that was-meant-to-be her home all along. Fast forward, she meets another woman, and she believes that this woman is her home:  “I believe that we are meant to be“.

When she asked for no contact, and  “she was gone.. it was like she died and I grieved“. When she contacted you, you “rejoiced.. feels like I got my soul mate back even if it is just a sniff“- a sniff of the feeling-of-home, “Absolutely heavenly“.

“How do you let go of something that you don’t want to let go of?“- for a girl stuck in a home that doesn’t feel like home, the hope and dream that one day she will have a real home keeps keeps her alive. Without this hope/ dream- her despair will be too much to bear.

“She reached out with a very warm personal email.. It was very head and not a lot of heart“- you imagined her much more warm and personal than she actually was because you needed her to be home.

“Maybe what is clear is that she doesn’t know how she feels and that is why she keeps popping in and out and if I straight out ask her what is going on she will run away for good“- you imagine that she loves you, but that she doesn’t yet know that she loves you. You don’t want to scare her away before she realizes that she loves you back.

“I think..  like myself, she knows the bond we have.. But she is better at putting her head in the sand“- you feel the home-bond with her, and you imagine that she feels the same. Your head in in the sand and you imagine that it is her head in the sand, and that if only she took her head out of the sand, she will realize that she loves you back.

“She suggested doing a video call with my kids.. my daughter started to cry. She misses my ex terribly and I think she was scared to say goodbye to her again.. My son said to her that we may see her and that he loves and misses her.. My kids always say they love and miss her“- either you imagine that your kids love and miss her so much (imagining that they feel the same as you do), or they really do love and miss her so much because their own mother hasn’t been attentive enough to them, being her focus has been elsewhere.

For now, find your  home where it is, with your children who do love you more than anything, children who will do anything for you because they need to feel at home with you!

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by .

Dear AP:

So good to read that you are very attentive to your kids, too bad that they miss her so much. Maybe they miss her so much because they know how much you love/d her?

She is in a 1.5 year relationship with another woman. If she has a history of long-term relationships, of years at a time, it means that she may remain in her current relationship for years to come. When you move close to her (I hope you did not move in part for the purpose of being close to her..?), you may come across her and her new partner, how will that make you feel ???

anita

Dear AP:

I am so sorry that a good friend died in her sleep, and at the age of 38.  Life is precious, like you wrote, and we are reminded of it once in a while.

You say you want to be real with her: this is why I suggested earlier to send her a message, one that will be as real as can be. I think that it’s better than a phone call or a meeting in-person because it gives you all the time that you need to form the message, and it gives her all the time that she needs to read it and to respond to it. Better send (and respond) to such a message when calm, when you are at peace with what you are about to send,  and then wait a day or two, and if you still feel at peace with it- then send it.

anita

Dear AP:

You are welcome. Take your time and if and when you need my input in regard to the message (and/ or in regard to anything else), let me know.

anita