Dear Jessy:

“I broke up with my ex boyfriend 3 years ago- he is my only relationship so far… When we met, he was…  always transparent… for almost 2 years, not a single word…. Beginning 2024 he reached out, out of the blue… I’m not sure why after all these years he is texting... I’m confused, should I give him a chance or just go figure my life out?”-

– you can ask him about the part I boldfaced above: why after 2 years, did you text me? According to how he answers, you can find out if he is still transparent. This can clarify some of your confusion, so that you can make a good choice for yourself, based on clarity.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Jessy:

You are welcome!

“Do you believe people change? or do you agree that this is just how toxic relationships work?“-

– let’s see.. you met him in college, he was “the shy kind of guy that lacked initiative or attention to details but he have  a heart of gold and always transparent“. Three years ago, he moved away from his (and your) hometown to a different country, while you stayed in your hometown and country, not dating anyone, not going out much, “so chances of me dating were also very slim“.

For two years, while he lives in another country, you had no contact with him. At the beginning 2024, he contacted you, and at one of the early conversations, he texted you a sexual text. Your response: “silent and confused“. He then apologized, and continued chatting lightly.

“I’m not sure why after all these years he is texting and if he even changed… Do you believe people change? or do you agree that this is just how toxic relationships work?“-this is what I am guessing that happened (and I have no way of knowing for sure, of course): he was a shy boy growing up in his hometown, and proceeded to be the shy young man that you dated.

Living in a new country, away from his parents, friends, the place and people who knew him to be one way (shy, etc.), gave him the opportunity to be.. someone different. While you remained the same (no new dating experience), in the same hometown, same country, he experienced a different town or city, in a different country. Maybe it’s a city/ country that’s more liberal than where you still live.  There, he dated, and/ or had sexual experiences that he didn’t have before, such that intrigued him, and made him feel bold and somewhat confident, a new experience for him. And then, one day, he wondered how it would be (sexually) with you.. so he contacted you and expressed his sexual interest in that text he sent you.

People overuse the word toxic, and I don’t see how it applies here, based on the information you provided.

As far as whether he changed: in some ways he did, he had some new sexual experiences, I am guessing (again, I don’t have any concrete evidence to this being true), he feels a new sense of freedom and possibility.

Has the change extended to him being more confident overall, is he more likely to take initiative? Maybe to an extent, and maybe temporarily. If he goes back to his hometown to live, he’d have to go through some adjustment, and his current change may be replaced by the way he used to be, or close to it.

“I’m confused, should Igive him a chance or just go figure my life out?“- ask him questions when you get the chance, not via texting, I suppose, but in another way (email? video call?). Have a conversation with him, get to know him as he is now.

anita

Dear Jessy:

You are very welcome.

“Just to be clear are you suggesting he is approaching again just for sexual curiosity now that he is more confident? (btw he did have a sexual experience with me)“- I wouldn’t know if he has been approaching you just for sexual curiosity, but it’s part of it, obviously (the sexual text he sent you). As far as his intents otherwise, I wish I knew. The person to get this information from is.. him. Honest, effective communication with him is the answer!

* Maybe there are clues to his intents in the light conversations he’s been engaging with you lately. I wonder if he shared with you how he is spending his time,  if he has friends, etc.

“also on the questions yes I’m thinking about maybe opening up a conversation again on messenger to get to know his chain of thoughts, life, etc.”– this would be excellent for the purpose of information gathering.

If you need my help with wording  questions for him, when you are ready to ask him questions, let me know.

anita

Dear Jessy:

I like crystal clear.

“I might ping him end of this week as its also his birthday so it might be a good conversation opener.“- I would wish him a happy birthday in just the same way you worded it when you were together,  minus words reserved to an ongoing romantic relationship. He contacted you at the beginning of this year, after 2 years of no-contact, because (I am guessing) he missed you as he remembers you, so give him what he remembers: the same wording, same sentiment, be as friendly as you were before (minus the romantic).

For a conversation regarding the changes in his lifestyle and personality in the last 2-3 years, you can start with something that would be easier for him to answer (as opposed to asking him about new experience dating, and such):

“he goes hiking now (which he resisted to do with me back home earlier )“- you can ask him (unless you already did), what made him like hiking in the new country, which he disliked doing in the home country.

To encourage him to talk more, be friendly, come across curious and interested in hearing more from him, as a friend.  If he initiates romantic+ talk, don’t go silent, as before. Instead, ask him more personal questions: not in an interrogative, negative tone or wording, but in a friendly (not romantic) way.

You have to gather information first, to get to know him anew, before you decide which way you want to go with him. That’s why a friendly, inviting attitude is needed. You can tell him- sometime after talking- how exciting it is for you to get to know him again.

If you started talking with him in a romantic way, it’s likely to be awkward for him to talk about his dating experience in the last few years, but if you establish a friendly, curious attitude, he is more likely to tell you things he wouldn’t otherwise.

anita