Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well and in good health.
I’m writing this on a Thursday evening. I am sat in bed, being lazy, hair messy – after a very busy time!! I am in one of those moods where I feel like crying – not because I am sad – but because I am catching up with myself. That is to say – giving myself space to process all the progress and things I’ve done recently.

The weekend went really well. I hung out with my friend from Ireland. We went to the gig on Saturday, and Trevor (who’s in Noel’s band) and his girlfriend – I’ll call her Fran, and also the girl I attacked – I’ll call her Bea – they were all there. Me and Georgia walked in, Fran and Trevor waved, and I introduced Georgia to them. Later in the evening, Bea arrived. I saw her in the garden, I approached her and asked her how she was, and asked her if she was up for a catch up. She agreed and we had a chat – I apologised, explained my diagnosis and she listened and we basically just talked things out and said we would move on. I made an effort to dance with her as well at the gig 🙂 I got her number, and maybe at one point was being too pally, but she said that it would work if we take it slow – if we rush things it wont work etc. etc.

On the Sunday there was another gig. That Noel’s band were playing. I got a text from Fran, saying that it might be a good idea for me not to come, or to come after their band played as it wouldnt be fair on Noel or Peggy (another band member who I fell out with) to address me when theyre not ready. I respected this, and me an Georgia showed up later. As we were approaching the venue, I saw that Noel was sat outside the venue with their group. I caught Trevors eye and we both waved awkwardly.

I saw loads of other people there that I knew and was focusing on them. I don’t know if Noel saw me or not, but he left pretty much after I arrived. The rest of the night was so great. Georgia was talking to Peggy outside, and I ended up talking to Peggy, and it all seemed fine. Peggy even came with me, Georgia and a few others to the park afterwards and hung out with us!! Also so did Martin, who is Trevors housemate.

Long story short – all of that group seem okay with me now, apart from Noel.

So I do feel good that peace has been restored <3 But of course I will not focus on that too much – but continue focusing on my life.

– I will reply again tomorrow, replying to your message and with more updates.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I am writing this on a Sunday evening. I am about to have a bath and put a facemask on after another busy week and weekend. It’s been non-stop. Last Sunday I got 1 hour sleep because Georgia was around and we were having soulful chats. We both left early on Monday morning, and she went back to Ireland. The week has been a lot of me powering through, getting the bus at 7.30am to go to work, and not having much time for myself – one of those weeks where I really needed some time for myself (still do, as I’m quite an introverted person), but we must do what we have to do!

Even when I run out of time, I am trying to not panic and remain calm. Like finding the time to write guitar parts for my band that is happening soon!! Or time to skateboard etc.

I went back on Facebook again yesterday but just briefly. It was hard for me to see Noel on there – it seems like his confidence/ arrogance has increased from it all if I’m honest. I feel as though he has liked the attention that he has had from all of this, and that has given him confidence. I am dealing with things by blocking him out of my mind and life, as it’s too painful to know how much I did for him, and how much he has found pleasure and personal gain from my breakdown, pleading etc etc.

I feel like it is a game of egos. And his has inflated from all of this. I’ve been thinking about why it hurts – I guess it feels like he took my confidence away, and used it for his own gain. Does this make sense?? This has happened a couple time with guys – who have found pleasure in the breakdwown/ attention etc. It feels like my dignity was taken, and the image of me he has in his head, is that he’s taken my power etc.

Right now I am focusing on me, and ensuring that the image he has of me as powerless to him etc. That that is not reality. Which it isn’t. As from this, I have only gotten stronger, and more passionate about starting a band and being a fierce frontwoman of a punk band.

I would like to hear your thoughts and any experience on this too.

I haven’t thought about him for ages anyway, and have been focusing on my girl friends – WHO ARE AWESOME!!!
All my girl friends have been so supportive of me, REALLY supportive and it’s great <3 I have a lot to be greatful for in my life. Every day I thank the Universe for all the things going right – stability, food, ability to go to work, medication, time, reading, guitar, great friends, my looks, style, skateboarding, films, music etc etc.

I hope I can continue to be healthy and find a balance and continue to progress even more. I am starting CBT next Saturday.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Thank you for that reply. I realise that things have been going so well for the past month or so, in my mind I guess I have forgotten about the diagnosis. I guess I have been thinking: Wow, life is going great at the moment, and I have been so focused on my routine, and my support network, that I have forgotten about the diagnosis a bit.

I’m sorry if you have already mentioned this, but were you diagnosed with anything?

I try and stay as mindful as possible…. It’s difficult to explain the change of my feelings. I guess this week it feels like….there is maybe a haze coveting my life a bit? Or sometimes a fear that I am returning to old habits, like not buying food, or not spending my time wisely.

Yes, I am having my initial meeting with my therapist on Saturday, and discuss how things are going to work. Due to finances, I think that I will aim to go fortnightly, and do homework/ reading in between. I will up date you on how the first session goes of course.

Yes. In terms of Noel you are probably right. It is my BPD. Again – this has been a recurring attitude/ behaviour towards romances/ love interests throughout my life so far….. It’s been a hard pill to swallow to say the least.

I’m just at work – i will reply with some more a bit later this evening.

Cat

My Dearest Anita,

I use the term ‘My Dearest’ because you are actually The most respectful, patient and understanding connection that I have in my life. Our consistent and patient communication through Tiny Buddha is a massive assurance and help for me, so thank you for that.

Sorry for not remembering that you told me you were diagnosed with BPD. As with many of my friends – they tell me so much information about where they’re from/ where they’ve travelled/ where they’ve met people/ where they work etc etc. It can be difficult to remember it all sometimes!!

When you were diagnosed with BPD – I am interested in this: what was your life like at the time of diagnosis? What were you going through, and how was your relationships with people? How long ago was this? If you can remember, how did you feel at the time? And how did your reality change? As it’s so easy with a physical condition to see how it impacts your life- like if you have a burn, you may be aware that it rubs on bed sheets when you sleep, so would wear protective bandage. But with mental health issues, it’s harder to figure out how it affects perceptive reality.

Like the other day at work – I started to feel more further away from my goals, distant from the motivation and enthusiasm in my life etc. I recognised that this could be because of BPD. With this in mind, I actually found it easier to accept, and encouraged myself to continue the rest of the day regardless of this feeling – I finished work, caught the bus, bought food, and played guitar. By the time I had bought food and was playing guitar, the feeling had passed and I was feeling motivated again. This is progress for me, as before I would of let the feeling allow me to believe that it was reality, and gone home and crawled in to bed feeling depressed.

Generally, things are going well. I am remaining strong in my commitment to mindfulness and stability. – will continue this post when im at work.

Cat x

Dear Anita,

You’re welcome. Yes I am trying, in every second and every moment, I am constantly thinking of what I am doing, how I am feeling and what my next actions will be. I have a lot to fit in to my life now: enough sleep, eating well, staying on top of that, staying on top of cleaning as well, guitar practice and band practice, skateboarding too. And seeing friends of course.

I’ve been super busy this week. I havent skateboarded, but I’ve been non-stop since the weekend ago. With only yesterday off. I plan to go skateboarding tomorrow before therapy. I am trying to not beat myself up about this.

In terms of work – I will be working in a different care home. Completely different to what I did before, and it’s going to be full-on personal care. It was a long process but the heads of service said this was the best place for me to be because I have a team of people around me etc. I start on Monday. It’s a complete change but I’m looking at the positives, and I think it would be good for me to stay around the main site, where there’s lots of people.

Please let me know any helpful time management tips – they would be much appreciated!!!!

I will reply to your BPD message properly once I have found my inner peace and at a good point again. Right now I am feeling a little, held back? misty visioned?

It’s Friday so I’m treating myself to films and pizza, and then start busy weekend tomorrow.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you fast.

I’m not sure if I’m overexhausted or what, but things just aren’t right.
I was in a weird mood last night, went to sleep, and had a series of nightmares.
Woke up this morning and felt like crying, and felt like I needed time to process everything.

Returned to sleep and another series of nightmares ensued.
I have woken up now, and I am just in a weird place in my head – I’m not sure what this is??

I have been feeling misty headed for a couple days – unmotivated to skate, guitar etc.
I need to clean my house and do a food shop.

I have no idea where to start with it all. For some reason I feel like everything is out of control and unbearable.

Do you have any ideas why this could be? OR any experience with this?

Cat

Dear Anita,

Thank you for the fast response.
I ended up postponing my first meeting with CBT therapist until next week.

It took me a few hours. I had toast, a few coffees and a few cigarettes.
I started on the washing up and put a clothes wash on. I started feeling a bit better, like I could actually do things, like I had motivation to do things.

I’ve done bits and bobs like tidied my room etc. and dabbled on guitar a bit.
Today I am staying at home, just doing those things and reading etc. It’s set to be sunny tomorrow so I aim to go skateboard then.

In my head – I was worrying about doing all these things/ not doing them. And I found that the worry was holding me back – if that makes sense? Like suddenly these things that should be fun become chores, or things that are mountains that I’ll never conquer. Rather than just seeing it at things to do. Does this make sense?

Yes – I didn’t think about any particular memory though. Just sometimes, I feel so distant from my life. Like I have lost my personality/ interest/ motivation/ self belief and confidence in things. It’s days like these – when I am coming out of these spells that my brain tries to figure out WHY I felt that way, and what I can do to change that. Whilst also trying to find some sort of comfort in life again – hence staying in today, cleaning my house and trying to feel at peace and like I belong here, in my room, in my nice house and surroundings.

Cat