Dear Anita,

Yes, the nightmares make me feel extremely invisible. I guess that’s how I felt a lot growing up. My parents never bothered to see me and my sister as individuals or treat us as such. We were simply just things that they had made together. If that makes sense. I remembered one memory the other night, of my parents arguing when me and my sister were really young. They argued in front of us all the time – they didn’t care if we saw or not. My Mum was threatening to leave – my Dad had his head in his hands, and they talked about who was going to have the kids. I’m pretty sure I remember my Dad saying “I don’t want them”, in front of us – which when I remembered, shot a brief moment of severe emotional pain back. I think that was the moment I started to dissociate from my life. Him saying that made me see myself in an existential way – I was just a person made from them, that they didn’t want anymore.

Growing up – my parents never bothered to hang out with us, or get to know us as people. There were times (before that massive argument between them) I believe, where we went on holiday, and there’s loads of photos of my mum looking happy with us and hugging us and holding us. And there was an old home video that my Dad took etc. After the argument all of that stopped. We didn’t go out as a family anymore. It was all about my Mum. I remember seeing my Mum depressed lying on her bed etc. They never tried with us at all – so me and my sister kind of floated through life, not really having models we can bounce back off, if that makes sense. They just wanted us to be as quiet as possible. They would always make the point that it was “Their house” etc.

Most of my weekends was spent waiting for my mum to finish shopping. So depressing. The amount of times we parked in the multistory, and I wanted to run and jump off the top to escape it all. Seriously. The car journeys were mental hell. I think this is why I relate to the suffering animals so much – because I know how it feels to be in a situation of which you can’t escape. It feels like eternity.

With the dissociation – I think my parents have done it as well, and my sister probably. My parents just stopped feeling emotions and cut themselves off. My sister seems to just automatically repeat their behaviour with her partner etc. and has continued repeating their behaviours throughout her life. By the way – she still hasn’t responded to the email I sent about self-reliance…. That was nearly a week ago now. I am wondering how she took it. Whether she is instantly mad at me, or if she is actually thinking about it. I might post what I sent on here, so you can see what I said??

I can see that – about the lack of mental health. It saddens me everytime I see a parent taking their anger out on a child. As if it’s their fault 🙁 I think it’s adults who aren’t willing to take responsibility for having a child – and how much of a precious and special gift that is – rather, they just get treated as financial and time burdens etc. I understand that money puts constraints on a family, but to be treated like your existence is a burden is really awful!

Yes, I guess I would be MORE privileged if I didn’t have the nightmares…. But, my mental health is actually a haven in comparison to other beings in this world, yknow? Like, there are cats that are deprived of sleep for “science” – and get electrocuted to stay awake etc. The lives of these cats must be traumatic, stressful and suffering every second of their lives :'( In comparison to them, I don’t have anything to complain about – as for the majority of the seconds of my life, I am in control of my reality, physical wellbeing, treatment etc.

My sister said that hearing my voice helped her…. It brought her a sense of comfort, because she feels like she has no one… which isn’t true. She has friends and connections she could make, if she saw herself worthy/ put effort in to doing so. Should I feel respinsible/ guilty now for removing her sense of comfort? (me) – or should I see this as a good thing which is hopefully going to help her grow?

You are very right about helping others, and how that takes mental health. I was only helping Noel so much because it was easier to do that then to focus on me. And because I was off work, and had too much time on my hands etc. I have learnt a lot from what happened. It still really hurts my heart to talk about it, so would not like to. But yeah, my heart grenade definitely got pulled – all emotions came to surface, it exploded. And then the shells got thrown back in to place with mighty force, and was forced to repair itself and direct it’s energy within. If that makes sense?

How do you manage with your own health/ mental health? And balancing that – as you help people on here??

Cat

Dear Anita,

Here are the 2 emails that I sent my sister. I will send these, and write another message in response to what you said.
I will remove the names etc.

Email on May 5th:

Dear [sisters nickname],

Trigger warning – lots of things.

Hope this email finds you well. Apologies if I take a while to reply. I’ve been coming to terms with things/ my life etc. And yes, you are right. Sometimes I get spells of real heart pain and sadness, so I just have to lie down, nearly cry and wait til the sadness stops. This sometimes happens when I am in public, so I like to be by myself a lot, and put my headphones on and just walk.

Apart from those times – my housemate [housemate name] is a REALLY good influence on me. She’s positive, healthy and encourages me not to be in my bedroom all the time. I am lucky to have her in my life. I’ve been channelling my emotions in to lyrics for my new band!!!! It’s going to be so good, and a really good outlet for me. Doing it, feels like I am completing a part of myself that I’ve been looking for since I was 6.

I’ve come to realise recently, that the only people that can change our lives are ourselves. So I’ve really been pushing myself to get up and do things.

With the voices – I CONSTANTLY hear: awful, mentalm stupid, crazy, mad, insane, riot grrrl, shit, musician, band, punk scene, promoter, gig, horrible etc etc.
I think he voices have built up over years of hearing [mums name] being REALLY horrible and negative about SO many things. They were both EXTREMELY negative people and if I’m honest, they had no aspirations, goals, dreams or anything yknow? They just accepted that life was going to be that way forever – just complaining and not doing anything about stuff.

The voices get louder, when I – dress the way I want to, and when I’m playing punk music. To me, this is a sign, that those are the things I need to do, in order to defeat those voices once and for all. I’m being extremely serious. It takes me a lot of courage each day to get out of bed and fight the voices – which deep down, I know are the wishes of my parents who DON’T want to see me succeed.

For years, I’ve not pushed myself to do things because I’ve internalised their lack of belief in me. They would NEVER believe or support me to be in a band or be a rock chic. So I’ve never done it. I’ve just toed the line, went to uni etc etc. But DEEP DOWN, my PASSION lies in EXPRESSION. And now, I live to put on my emo/ goth make-up, awesome clothes, fishnets etc etc and BE ME.

Going through all of this has awakened me to discover parts of myself that I’ve been holding myself back from being.

In life – you can let the voices, the put downs, and the insults win every day, and not do anything OR you can FORCE yourself, to literally stand up, hear the voices, and force yourself out of the house to go for a run. The voices are in your head, NOT reality. The comments we think are from THEM, no one else.

THEY don’t want us to succeed but ALOT of people do.

I want to see YOU succeed in life. So tell me this – what are you holding yourself back from doing? What is deep inside the heart of [sisters name]? Who is that person in there screaming to get out? A poet? Actor? Singer? What is it [sisters name]?????? There’s something in there I know it, and all you need to do, is forget the person that you think you are, and ALLOW yourself to be the person that you are – despite the person that [sisters wife’s name] thinks you are as well.

Also, random – but have you ever seen [name of my favourite music video] video??
If not it’s on youtube – check it out. Look at their fashion in it. Especially the girls. THAT’S the kind of thing I LOVE!!

Also, I’m so glad I deactivated my facebook account. I realised the other day I’d spend all my time thinking about other people, and not be focusing on me, It’s liberating being able to live my day, eat what I want, do what I want, and then reply to other people when I can.

You don’t owe anyone anything, apart from the same amount of respect they show you.

If you want to go for a run, then go.
If you and [sisters wife name] want a divorce, then you’re going to have to both be adults and sit down and work out a plan TOGETHER – it doesn’t have to be a constant war the whole time.
If you need more money in order to fund your life – make it happen – get a cash in hand job, save up. Or talk to the bank about your situation, and see what they can do.
The world is supposed to work FOR you, as long as you are honest. Many times I’ve been given more money from the bank just from explaining my situation etc.
If you want to change your life – start today and put a plan in place.
Nothing is impossible – everything is doable.
Don’t waste your life sitting around, complaining about what you can’t or won’t do, because then nothing will change. You HAVE to force yourself to be positive enough to start a logical plan, regardless of how hard it is or how long it will take – in the long run, it will pay off a lot more than you staying in a marriage that’s abusive, and not dealing with your own life.

Don’t be lazy and apathetic like they were- you saw how that ends out – a loveless marriage and abused kids. Stop the cycle from continuing – start choosing YOU and YOUR happiness in life, rather than false ideas of ‘loyalty’. The truth is, we were taught how to have unhealthy relationships, co-dependent relationships because our parents didnt love themselves or have hobbies. So we have repeated this behaviour throughout our lives with others. Let’s STOP doing this NOW by focusing on ourselves, leaving relationships that are unhealthy, and knowing that our lives are going to work out for the best, and eventually we will end up with the right person, not out of fear of being alone, but from a mutual love for life.

Reply when you can,

Cat

** I sent a follow up email later that day**

Dear [sisters name],

After sending that email today, I feel like it might’ve come across as being really harsh – that wasn’t my intention at all.

At the moment I’m REALLY pushing myself to overcome apathy. It’s so easy for me to hide away, and let depression eat away at me, but I’ve been forcing myself to have faith in my life. Even though I hear ‘Awful’ in my head constantly, I’ve been trying to push through.

A lot to process and digest. I am really coming to terms with my upbringing and how that has changed how I see myself and others etc.
Please let me know if you hear the voices too.

Cat xx

**There has still been no reply from her, and it’s been a week**

Dear Anita,

I will reply to your last 2 messages soon, maybe tomorrow.

I have to be honest, and at the moment I am fluctuating between moods. I’ve been feeling a bit low/ down/ unmotivated/ dissociated/ depressed/ lack enthusiasm since Saturday. I started feeling better earlier, when I envisioned myself going down to the kitchen – my self-esteem came back for half an hour or so. I went to reply to this message properly, but then the enthusiasm went again, and I went back to being nothing again. And just a second ago I felt awake/ alert/ motivated again – so have written this message. Writing this now will help me understand my bpd more – as I am starting to recognise the changes in my mood, and how severe they are.

Cat

Dearest Anita,

I hope this message finds you well. Every time I come on the forums I spend a couple minutes checking to see how many other posts you have been the last person to reply on (always a lot). Keep up the good work. Your words and support really mean a lot to the people who don’t hear mindfulness and encouragement often. I have found your consistency very reassuring and calming, so thank you.

I think I’m ready to reply to some of your earlier messages now (one’s you sent to me during my breakdown). My heart hurts a little thinking about acknowledging them, but far far less than it did at the time.

In response to your first message after my breakdown:

Yes – the breakdown happened, and there was nothing I could’ve done to make that week go differently. I feel like I am so aware of my thought processes, and the night when I was supposed to go to sleep, and Noel didn’t want to come to the gig with me – and I chose to go to the gig, instead of being rational and getting sleep – I can only put that down to me carrying out a habit. Of saying “Fuck it”. Putting on my fishnets, make up, wild hair, and throwing life up in the air. Something I’ve done ALOT in the past (aka nearly marrying Clarence the coke addict in Chicago). My brain has done it so much throughout my life, it’s been my rock and roll lifestyle (live fast, love hard) – but I hope now I can work towards a point where I can still have my punk lifestyle but without the breakdowns, drama and trauma etc. Hopefully being in a band will help with this. I tend to express emotion by going to gigs, drinking a lot and letting loose. In the future I plan to remain sober and channel my emotions through music and dramatics.

Again, drinking constantly, and days after that – not eating and focusing on things other than myself – must be down to me repeating the habit of doing that. I know a lot of ‘scum punks’ (mainly guys) who do that, as a statement of, “I don’t care/ my lack of respect for myself reflects the lack of respect capitalism has for the world” etc etc. (something i might elaborate more on at some point).

Attacking the girl – never attacked someone like that before. I wasn’t jealous at all that night. It was just a moment where we were outside. She had been talking a lot to Noel outside, and hadn’t spoken to me at all. He talked to her more than he talked to me that night, but he did come up to me and hold my hand and kiss me on the forehead. Everytime I looked at Noel, he kept looking at her. He did this 4 times. I said “don’t do it” because it was triggering me – as I thought he was sexualising her or flirting with her. He didn’t even hear me, so I had to leave the situation. I sat by a door, and when Noel, her and our other friend came to find me, I was overwhelmed with emotion, didn’t know how to process, and then attacked her and ran away.

I can see from their perspective I looked just like a violent person. But the truth is, at the time, I felt emotionally stabbed. I felt like my heart had been ripped out. It was so awful. I felt like I was defending myself from what, I saw, as emotional betrayal, humiliation etc. It was the worst feeling ever. Whether this was a paranoid delusion or not, I still and probably will never know.

I was distraught for 2 weeks, not eating etc. Tried apologising to everyone so many times, but to no avail. The day after it all happened I went to Noel’s house to apologise. I still hadn’t eaten and was sat on his drive crying. His housemate opened the door and asked me to come in, but I said no because Noel didn’t want me there. She asked 3 times, and eventually I went in and sat outside Noel’s door. He wouldn’t answer the door. I was crying so much. He said that I’d hurt him as well. It was all so upsetting. He wouldn’t answer the door, but I said I was sorry. He said that he finds it easy to speak to the girl (that I attacked) because she’s anxious like him etc. It was heartbreaking for me because I did so much for him and his confidence, and yet he never gives me that credit or attention that I deserved, and didn’t feel like he could do that with me (even though I’d gone to lengths to make him feel comfortable) – and all because I’m a confident person who doesn’t have anxiety.

I was like a little girl sat outside his door. Not angry at all. Just confused and heartbroken. He never answered the door so I left.

It was emotionally intense for me, I got fixated (again, a habit), focused on them, and went through the motions of despair, anger, etc etc.

When I eventually spoke to Noel on the phone. He allowed me to read through 2 long email essays of how much I loved him, and his importance in my life. After that, he was just like ‘I only called to say I needed space. I’m not even staying in my own house’. I felt like he was saying he was scared of me, when the reality is, I was just a distraught girl having a breakdown. I said this and that it was his anxiety, and then he asked me about how much I talk in a conversation compared to him (this has never been a problem before, as we both talk openly to each other), he then had a go at me and said that I talk more (I think he was comparing me to the girl I attacked). Again, really heartbreaking for me.

**By the way – a day before this all happened, i was talking to Noel on the phone and was smiling because I said “When I talk to you, you just bloom” and he said “I know. And when you leave, I forget it. But talking to you makes me want to be in bloom all time”. We both said that we were in love with each other as well.**

He said in our last phonecall, that it reduced his anxiety but that wasn’t the point. He then said he wanted to say how he felt, and I said I was listening. He then hung up the phone, and ended it with me coldly over facebook, and then blocked me.

SAfe to say, emotional dysregulation ensued. And now I’m not talking to many people of that group. They think I’m bad news, but truth is, they just can’t see things from my perspective.

I’ve left things now – with the last thing I said was that I’ll give everyone space, and at some point will email them with my diagnosis confirmation and an explanation.

I’m in two minds – because I feel like doing that is an attempt to explain my behaviour and where it came from etc, and at the same time, I did apologise so much and was distraught at the time etc. At points it seemed like Noel liked the fact I was begging and crying etc. And yeah, I don;t know. I’m not sure if they deserve more apologies and explanations if I’m honest!!

The whole thing was bad BUT I’ve learnt so much since then. I’ve learnt to focus on ME and direct energy towards me, and stop giving it away to other people so easily!! Especially when I think they’re amazing people, but then they bail when things get hard. MASSIVE lesson learnt.

I know it’s weird, but I’ve actually benefitted from this situation (as bad as that sounds). But I really have. I’ve been woken up to what I’m living for (which seemed to be others acceptance), and literally chose to live fro ME.  Etc.

I’m just going to do me and be myself. I can’t please everyone in life, but what’s the point in spending time trying to win people over? I know that I’m a good, honest, spiritual, loving, caring person, and I know that I’m the punk chick with confience, and I know that I’m meant to use both of those things together to try and make a difference in this world. I can’t afford to lose all that, by valuing myself based on the judgements of others.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cat.

Dear Anita,

Thank you – I learnt growing up that being honest is the only way to address any situation at a level where solutions can be made. Especially if you’re someone like me who only has good intentions for people/ the world. Being honest allows you to connect with people on an authentic and understanding level. It’s just whether or not the people you are being hones to can see that.

I will listen to the Cat song in the morning by the way!!

Yes, at the moment I’m still taking it moment by moment. I have goals, but reminding myself to let go of the need to know HOW they will come in to being, and sending my worries up to the Universe.

I went back to work on Monday – completed my week of 50% of my shifts 🙂 🙂 Which is progress.

I have an issue with time I guess- so many things I want to do. Would love to focus all my energy on creating, playing, making art etc. But this means I often see eating and taking time to eat or prepare, cook food as a waste of time, whereas the reality is that if I do that, then it will make me more productive. I am working on this.

Still no reply from my sister. I know it sounds mean, but my life is better without her in it. I love her and care about her wellbeing, but she is stuck in the negative, defeatist cycle that the rest of my family had. And when solutions are provided, or her thought process questioned, then verbal abuse ensues…. I really hope one day she recognises this, and takes steps to better her own life for herself, and gains a level of self awareness that enables her to do so. For now, I continue to pray for her, and send my love and wishes up to the Universe.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this email finds you well and in good health.
Things are picking up for me. I’ve been eating 3 times a day!! Massive step for me. And since scheduling in these eating breaks, I have been able to carry out my hobbies with more energy and focus as well. Such as guitar, and I have also started skateboarding too. I have just finished my 2nd week of 50% shifts at work – next week I’m due to start 75% shifts. I’m being more mindful in every moment – and putting myself first, and being very analytical with the thoughts and feelings that I have. Because of my bpd, I still do have overwhelming feelings of emptiness/ lack of motivation/ enthusiasm for life etc. But I am learning that they come in random waves, and when they do come now, I try and make things as comfortable as possible. – I have also continued to not drink alcohol.

In response to your message:
Yes, the girl was the victim, but I also believe that offenders are victims too. These situations are always unjust, but the offenders are always suffering in some way, shape or form. Even if it is someone who has attacked someone with malicious intent – they are suffering, because they lack the ability to see the goodness in life. I have this attitude towards me parents – hating them only encourages hate in myself. Whereas understanding why they were abusive – due to upbringing, lack of self worth, lack of education, lack of life experience etc. makes it easier for me to understand. It is a phallacy to believe that people who offend, and who “get off” with no consequence, are living a somewhat “free” life. No, they will always be encaged by their need to see humanity as the enemy.

Things happening at the moment/ advice needed:
My friend, I’ll call her Georgia – I think I mentioned her before? About the time where her and her friends trashed my other friends, Peggy and Sue’s flat? I had strong words with Georgia at the time, and also spoke sternly to the other girl on a night out.

Anyway, I’ve been friends with Georgia for a while now. She lives in Ireland, shes in a band, and she opens up to me about everything. She has severe mental health problems. She needs to get a diagnosis and not drink etc. But she is reluctant to take those steps, because she sees the madness as being her, and almost revels in it. She is a punk girl, and I think she has bpd same as me, but she falls in to the same cycles with people – drama, drinking, pushing them away etc.

She’s coming to Bristol this weekend. I have plans to see her on Friday, and have a spiritual catch up when I first see her. Have a bbq at mine, and just have a nice night. I won’t be drinking, but I hope I can be a good influence on her.

On the Saturday, she is going to a punk festival, organise by my friend Grace. Grace is lovely, understanding and reached out to me during my breakdown. However, Georgia is going to be seeing the other girl, who trashed the flat that one time, and also another guy who was there also. I know that if I went, I’d either feel uncomfortable or end up being stern and telling people when they’re being assholes (I really don’t take any shit anymore! – and the punk scene needs it).

But also – my friend – I’ll call her Fran, who’s birthday it was the night I had the breakdown. Her band is playing. So she will be there, and her boyfriend, I call him Trev – who’s in a band with Noel. Noel may be there.

The only reason I’d go would be to check out some great bands, and also to be there for Georgia, to ensure that she isnt influenced by the loudmouth punks, and has another breakdown.

I’m debating sending an email to Fran’s band and Trev’s band, and also Grace. Just saying about the breakdown from my perspective, and how I might be there on Saturday and wanted to let them know beforehand etc.

What are your thoughts on this?

Cat

Dear Anita,

It’s 2.20 here, I’ve just spent the evening with my friend who’s visiting. We had a barbeque tonight, and I had some of the cocktails. I did drink, but not to excess. I am feeling in control. 100%. If I drink tomorrow night then I will do the same as well. Just drink moderately, and be mindful whilst drinking.

Thank you, I feel like life is improving alot!!! I normally don’t drink – my day-to-day life is extremely ordered and scheduled now – work, eating, reading, guitar, skateboarding etc. I am giving myself a break this weekend cus my friend is visiting from Ireland. So just focusing on having a good time with her this weekend. I will drink moderately, I PROMISE. Genuinely. I know what I’m doing – and after this weekend, I will report back on how it went – it will all be good, trust me.

I sent the emails in the end. It was: brief description of my background, mentality throughout breakdown, opinion on punk scene, apologies, and then leaving them my number if any of them want to contact me and get to know me as a person etc.

But sometimes – the thing with the person suffering – they don’t realise that their actions are harming the other person – or they arent aware of that responsibility. Therefore in their mind, they are simply repeating a behaviour, or acting out whilst having no understanding of empathy for the other person. Sometimes I genuinely think some people who offend just don’t contain the capacity to understand empathy or understand self-analysis or reflection to understand what they were doing. When I attacked the girl – at the time, my mind was nowhere to be seen. No rationality, just pure emotion. I think some people have that, but when they are sober, and in normal life.

Cat