Dear Anita,

My life was going so well. New housemates, friends, boyfriend etc. I was feeling like I could do this!! I am Noel’s first girlfriend. He is a virgin nerd with hygiene problems and severe anxiety…. When I was with him I felt like a child again. I was so open, so honest – our connection was so sensitive. The most sensitive I’ve ever had. Only last Thursday we were on the phone, and said that we were in love with each other.

Then, lo and behold, I ruin everything with getting drunk, and having a breakdown.

During my crisis I tried to contact him constantly and try and save the relationship. Didn’t give him space. Kept pushing and pushing and pushing. He eventually called me up, and read out the email to him, about how much I loved him, what he meant in my life etc. He said he only called to get space. And ended up saying that he wasn’t staying in his house because he was scared I’d show up. I said I felt offended, because I thought he knew me. He said he could see why I was offended. He had a go at me because I talk a lot, and was trying to blame me for his anxiety. I didn’t let him. He was angry at me, but wasn’t allowing himself to be angry. He said that he wanted to say how he felt, so I said I was listening – but then he said he felt like hanging up the phone. So I said, fine do it. And he hung up. He then sent me a cold message via fb about how he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore and how he’s made his decision.

Heartbreaking.

We were both so emotionally close. The closest and most sensitive I’ve been with someone, and now this…

I’m on medication, to help me sleep. I’m off work til the 8th May. I have an assessment on the 3rd May to get diagnosed. Been crying a lot. I stopped messaging Noel yesterday. Really pushed him away, now he just thinks that I’m intense, crazy, dangrous, mad etc.

Huff.

Cat

He’s the love of my life Anita :'(

Dear Anita,

I am not ready to read your words yet – as all the emotion has been way too much….

I came to this realisation last night that I need to live for myself. Every morning I need to get up, put on my style and my eyeliner, write lyrics and practice guitar. These are the things that make me feel like myself, although I hold myself back from doing them so much.

At some point when I’m ready I will read back through all your unanswered messages, and reply – of course.

Right now I know I need to grow and focus on me and channelling my anger into my music and lyrics.

Today I woke up, had a bath, put on my style, and then killed the ants that were in my larder and gave it a good clean (been meaning to do this). I’ve started doing housework again, which is good.

My assessment is on the 3rd May. I go back to work on the 8th.

For now, I am staying awake from Facebook and staying away from that group of people etc. In the past I’ve tried so hard for forgiveness/ acceptance. I’ve done what I can – apologised/ explained etc etc. And it was clear that I was distraught about it too. But enough is enough – I’ve done a lot as a friend for all of that group – and so now it’s my turn to step away – whether they will acknowledge that I am a good person or not, is up to them/ the Universe to decide.

As for now – I am aiming to live each day true my creative core, and learning to love that, despite people judging me for how I dress. [Wearing punk style, make up and playing guitar is the only thing that makes my soul feel happy and free ]-

As soon as I typed the last bit in [ ] a wagtail bird smacked against my window. A sign from the Universe, I know it. I just know that I’m meant to channel all this emotion in to punk, I can just feel it – I just have to be brave enough to do it.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well.

I am still not strong enough to read back through your messages yet – but believe me when I say, I will when I’m ready.

I am processing a lot, and coming to terms with a lot. To the point where I am at this critical moment in my life where I know all the things that I need to face.

You know my history – and the psychological abuse I have drilled in to my head by my parents. From recent events I have had quite a harsh awakening to what is going on in my mind :'( I am intense with people, and focus on others too much – because the reality is, when I am by myself, when I am calm – I hear their voices. I hear voices, about myself. “Awful” “Selfish” “Loves himself” “crazy” “normal” and many other things :'( These voices are pretty consistent throughout my waking hours.

It upsets me when I think about it, but this is my reality and it hurts like hell.
Growing up, it was drilled in to me that I was selfish if I lived for myself – or did things for my own enjoyment. Which is why I can’t play videogames anymore. To the point where I feel selfish if I wash or shower etc.

Positive note – I made the decision the other today to wake up and live for myself. Since doing so, I have been washing, putting on clothes, reading, playing guitar etc. And slowly practicing living for myself, and if my mind drifts off to other people, I put the focus back on to my own life again.

It is so hard Anita. So hard.

All my life I’ve been looking for someone to tell me that it’s okay to live for myself, and that I’m not selfish. I’ve been looking for so long for someone to tell me that. Please can you confirm this as well for me??

I have my mental health assessment tomorrow.
I will give you and update afterwards.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well and in good health.

I had my mental health assessment last Wednesday – I showed the assessor the post that you said too as well.
I told her everything, and was diagnosed with ‘borderline personality disorder’ – I have been recommended CBT and also to go on antipsychotics before bed, which will hopefully help with the voices and help me to sleep.

At the moment, life is both great but bad at the same time. It’s great because from everything thats happened, I feel as though I am even more strongly connected to my faith/ the Universe at the moment, which is picking me up when I feel low. I reconnect with this faith when I feel overwhelmed, and I send my worries, wishes and prayers out to the universe. At the moment I am coming to terms with my diagnosis and recognising how that has affected me and my relationships throughout my life… It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I am very much in tune and have great self esteem about my life and the person I am, but other times I feel unmotivated and lack self-esteem in all areas of my life…. In these periods I have learnt not to fight it anymore, but to accept that feeling and sit with it until it passes.

In terms of living for myself, I guess I find that hard. Especially because I care so much about other people and the world, and for a long time I’ve felt like it is selfish for me to be healthy, give myself treats etc. when I know that so many others in the world are starving, or not able to live a life as privileged and free as mine is. In a way I guess I have been suffering for solidarity – be it for my parents, sister, children in sweatshops across the globe, abused animals and children etc etc. I find it hard not to think about these things. Can you relate to this?

I said the other day, that I chose to wake up and live for something else – and for me, that was punk. I am still striving to stay true to this, and to wake up every morning in devotion to my life, and to devotion to the hope that maybe one day I will be able to have the talent and confidence to be in a band and raising even more awareness about issues I just mentioned. I tell myself this when I need to eat. I know I must eat for myself, and be healthy for myself, but if my health and ability eventually leads to being able to make a difference in the world – then that to me is motivation.

It is hard. Very hard. Putting myself first in each moment and not feeling selfish or guilty doing so. I have had to reduce my  contact with people so I am not focusing on them at all. I’ve stopped doing promotion – because I was putting so much worth in other bands and artists, whereas now I need to be doing that for myself. I have deactivated my facebook account, because it isn’t healthy for me, and going on there just reminds me of Noel and the intensity of messages, and how things ended etc. My life has gotten better without it, so I intend to never go back on.

It feels like… I am in the process of letting go of the person I thought I should be, and working towards the person that I want to be. Very strange feeling. Very strange and a consistent effort.

I have also reduced contact with my sister. Before my breakdown, and whilst, she would call me up crying with despair about her relationship with her wife. This happens ALOT. And all it brings me is heartache, despair, and constant worry about her wellbeing. I have tried many times to give her advice, and sent her loads of links to helplines, womens refuges etc. But she hasn’t taken it upon herself to do that. I have mixed emotions about it all – as a sister I love her, and I am sorry for what she had to go through as a child. I want her to be well, and a part of me feels responsible for her.

Then at the same time, the way that she speaks is extremely adamant, harsh and hard-hearted and I find it difficult to communicate with her when I am in a state of overcoming those things in myself. If that makes sense. I feel as though she is trapped in a mental cycle of believing who she is/ believing that that is her life forever. As much as I can try, I do not think that anything I can say or do can help her change herself or her life – she must have the willpower to do that by herself – do you agree with me on this?

I also think that her having a co-dependent relationship with me, wouldn’t be good for either of us as well. I try and explain these things to her sometimes, but she gets funny and sees it as me abandoning her and then threatens to stop the relationship. It is hard to say the least….. I have experienced abuse from her in the past, and sometimes I do debate whether I should have her in my life or not. She expects me to help and provide all the answers, but I can’t. Because it pulls me in to that unhealthy dynamic which I am strongly trying to overcome in my life.

At the moment we are communicating via email. I will see how it goes.

Your thoughts on all this will be much appreciated,
Thank you,

Cat

Dear Anita,

I’m glad that you are well.

It isn’t just nightmares, but I get extreme nightmares as well, which I am hoping the antipsychotics will help with.
With the voices – I hear them in the voices of my parents and other people. In the past I strongly believed that people were talking about me or thinking about me – always just comments about me. I think this is more than the inner critic voice, as sometimes I literally HEAR them.

With the nightmares – I get them really bad. They are intense and I wake up in a really rough depressed mood, even if I can’t remember what happened. Most of the time in them I am trying to make someone listen, or I am trying to save something or someone. Sometimes it is about saving animals from being abused. Sometimes my parents have been in them. I am ALWAYS trying to be listened to.

No, I don’t think I was born with it. I think that I had severe depression growing up because of being witness and victim to my parents abuse. I think that BPD developed…. maybe in my teens? It’s hard to say really. I was always very dissociated from myself growing up, through my teens and some of my teenage years. It was only at the age of 18/19 that I started self-analysis.

Could you elaborate on what you mean? There’s a lack of mental health? What do you mean by this, and do you see this as a root cause problem in society?

In terms of being priviledged and free – I guess I think that because I live in Western Society. I live in a city where there is so much opportunity. I have food available me constantly in so many shops. I can buy cigarettes. I cna get a bus or get a train, I can get a plane. I can choose my job etc. Is this not privileged? What is your opinion on this?

I feel so lucky in comparison to the poor children in sweatshops across the world.

Free – I guess I am free to express myself as I want to – with what I write, wear, say etc. The only thing I fear is judgement and bullies. But apart from that, I am free, there isn’t a strict regime that means I cannot do any of these things.

My motivation really is to be a good person. I guess that’s my motivation…. I have another desire within me… I think it’s a desire to express myself FULLY. As I don’t feel like I have reached that yet. OR my desire is to be able to see myself with CLEARNESS and CLARITY and get a good grasp on who I am.

What do you think it means to be a good person?

RE: my sister – she said that talking to me helps her :'( But hearing that makes me sad, to think that I might be the only thing in her life that is giving her joy. I love her. But it’s so hard for me to be in that position of getting the phonecalls of her in tears. I feel like I’m being an awful sister by distancing myself from her for a while. It’s just so much pressure on me to know that she’s in that position – but then have her not do anything about it. It feels like its my responsibility. Is it??? What should I do in this situation? She needs to learn to be able to depend on herself and her own strength. Very difficult position to be in.

Cat