Dear Anita,

Thank you for replying – twice. I realised that I went from posting on here 2/3 times a day to leaving it for a while. Mainly because my life has been busy the past couple weeks or so, which I’d like to talk about (if you’re still up for talking about things). I did start writing back a few days ago but was too tired to address everything fully, but I will do so tonight. I also have a bit of an unhealthy addiction to social media which I’m trying to address/ use efficiently.

I will respond to both messages, and also give you an update with what is happening in my life right now.

I don’t believe that everyone is happy all the time, but I do believe that others can be more happy than I am, yes. This is because I grew up as a child severely depressed, so when I saw all my friends having fun, I’d be the one at the back feeling really down and not joining in. My mental health has isolated me, and made me ruin, a lot of different relationships with people throughout my life. I’ve either been the depressed one that brings people down, or talks about things that aren’t really socially acceptable to discuss. Or I’ve freaked out in relationships and let my emotions, insecurities and confusion ruin them…. There have been times when I have been popular, but again, the mania has meant that I’ve been too intense and have driven people away 🙁 I worry that I will do that with my new friends in Bristol, and I really hope I don’t.

You use the term ‘adult child’ 🙁 As sad as it is I think I have always struggled and felt guilty knowing that my Mum wasn’t able to grow and learn the same way that I could. I do feel bad that she hasn’t had the opportunities that I have had, and her whole life has been dedicated to looking after her parents 🙁 It’s hard because she’s been so, so nasty to me and my sister so many times, and yet in my mind I sometimes imagine her crying about losing us, and I feel like I should go and help her. It’s hard because on a present day level, my mum and dad have blocked out all of the past, and only focus on the present. This makes it difficult for me and my sister, because we want to connect with the parents who caused all of that pain, and make peace with them. My parents refuse to admit that they did anything wrong, which is why it makes it very difficult for me and my sister to ever find peace with it all. I did try and relate to my parents about a year ago, but it was too much. As nice as they were being, I really needed to feel like I connected with their true selves, and I would’ve loved it if they had turned around and tried to make up with my sister too. But they don’t. they just always insist that me and my sister are wrong. This is something I struggle with a lot, as in my perfect world, my family would be at peace, but that peace and forgiveness just hasn’t happened.

Question – what do you classify as an ‘adult child’ and what do you classify as an ‘adult’?

I understand what you are saying about comparing experiences, I guess it is impossible to say which experience is more scary when they haven’t both been experienced by the same person. I guess that does mean that all abuse is equally as scary and equally as valid. It is a retroactive comparison, but it does have grounds in the reality of my childhood as I do remember feeling depressed throughout my childhood and the times I was crying in despair/ isolated/ scared etc.

Again, with my grandad – I guess part of me feels guilty there too. My mum always made me feel guilty, “he’s getting old” which meant, “you owe him all your attention”. As a teen I grew up despising him because I realised how he was treated so great, and everyone else treated so badly. Again, its a conflict. I feel guilty that he is old, and he is my grandad. But at the same time really resentful of how he talks about himself, doesn’t know me or my sister at all, and thrives off the attention etc. I really don’t know how I’m going to feel when he dies. Or if I should get back in contact before he does. Will I feel guilt? I really am not sure. I am conflicted between being in contact with family being too hard, and then also worrying that I will have a lot of guilt over my head if something did happen to them.

In regards to the manic episodes – yes, I would take the pill and feel good. I feel good generally, before the guilt of it all comes again, and the belief that I’m a bad person (which my parents made me feel from a young age), and before the worry for the future kicks in. I sometimes feel like I am a repulsive person, who repels people 🙁 Or that I am not to be trusted with people 🙁 mainly because my mum and dad were so manipulative, untrusting and always thought horrible things about people – I worry that deep down I’m going to be the same, and that’s the last thing that I want to be like.

I cannot hear the name of my old town, or see a picture of it without seeing all the sadness and grief that I felt there. I say that because I just saw someone upload photo’s of it, and that’s how I felt towards it. It’s such a small town, and everyone else loves the small towns and villages, but to me it was just so much…..heaviness.

Now, I really do want to feel good and have a life that I love. But before, I really didn’t have any idea of what that could be like. I was just too engulfed by the heaviness and sadness to comprehend what a life of stable relationships, independence, wellbeing and happiness could be like. But I am at the point now where I can see it more and more in sight.

In terms of the core beliefs: True, but what if the guilt I feel is too strong/ heavy for me to let go of those core beliefs?? I had a psychotherapist before but he didn’t help that much, so I was considering CBT instead. Although sometimes I find that I try and help other people – such as my sister and my friends, who are going through hard times – I try and help them first, which again makes me feel like the problem isn’t me, but is outside of me, and so if I fix things outside of me, then I will be able to fix things in me. Like, if I was able to help my sister have the happiest life she can (will update later), and if I managed to bring peace and happiness to my parents. To me, those things would fix the problems in my constant thinking mind because that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

It’s extremely difficult for me to see my parents view as being wrong. Mainly because they are the people I’ve been around the most, and they both believed that their opinion was God’s Truth. It’s difficult for me to really accept that they are abusive, because of how well they present themselves to others – family members, my old school friends etc. So I have a lot of people saying to me, “But your parents are so nice”. Which makes me question whether it was me that was the problem, and really upsets me. I asked my friends for help at the time but no one wanted to get involved, as I don’t think anyone really believed me 🙁 I still don’t think people do. Even though me and my sister have no contact, and both of us have had so many breakdowns and intense life situations. It’s been hard to get support from family or friends, to say the least.

My mum and dad are weird ones, because as much as I love and care about them and want to see them happy… It seems like that isn’t returned at all. They can happily ignore what’s going on and go out and drink with their friends etc. To them it was all about keeping up appearances, rather than actually respecting their children. They care more about what other people think, than their own children – sad but true. It’s so strange because I would’ve given my heart to see my parents happy, as a little girl I loved them to bits. I would cry every night because I didn’t want them to die… It’s strange now thinking of how the parents I was so loyal to, would happily not check to see if I was okay/ but a convertible with the money they stopped giving me/ go out drinking with friends when one of their daughters is suicidal etc.  I guess this inequality is something that I need to come to terms with this – especially as they continue to claim to be the good guys after all of this.

You’re right – the manic breaks happen because I’m not used to feeling so, light-headed/ like a weight has been lifted. So when it does happen, it’s like a took an ecstasy pill, and I feel like that feeling is heaven. Therefore I go manic.

You’re right, I do need therapy of some sort to work through these core beliefs, and to give myself space to cry. So far I haven’t been able to have a proper break through because I have blocked so much out. Another thing with addressing my issues/ going to therapy etc. is that it makes me feel like I am – heavier? Darker? Than other people. Or, like I am not worthy to have friendships or relationships with people who do not have similar issues. Mainly because I feel like them being around me means that I will be a burden, or that I will bring them down 🙁

The only problem that I have with psychotherapy, is trust. It takes me ALOT to open up to people about what happened in my childhood. I found a sense of salvation on Tiny Buddha (and also at Skanda Vale – multi faith ashram) because through these means I have connected with people who have experienced similar things. I trust people who have experienced similar things, and who understand me and where I am coming from. I found it really difficult to trust my psychotherapist and feel like he understood like the same way that I did.

Okay so update:

The gig on the 22nd went really well 😀 I am still looking forward to the move to Bristol, so that has given me hope and a strive towards building the life that I want.
My sister called me the day after the gig, and said she had been out walking all night 🙁 🙁 She said that things between her and wife had become violent again 🙁 It’s really hard to support her 🙁 She won’t leave her wife because it would mean parting from her dog for a while, and she won’t do that. It’s so sad to see my sister stay in that relationship – where they just stay in, don’t do anything and trap each other 🙁 They are repeating the behaviour that my parents did, and sometimes my sister knows this. Sometimes she is rational and can see this, but other times she can’t. I spoke to the Domestic Violence Helpline and they gave me a lot of options, i wrote them down and told them to her/ emailed them. But she said she wouldn’t do anything if it means she’s separated from her dog 🙁 Her situation makes me sad, because when she calls me, she is crying so much, so much like a little girl. I’ve seen her cry so so much throughout her life, and I hate it everytime. Again, I wish I could give the freedom that I have to my sister. I really wish I could. I offered for her to come and stay with me but she said about the dog etc. I am offering her solutions but she is refusing them…Is there anything more I can do?!

I returned to work on Friday 2nd – thank you for remembering 🙂 It was okay, it’s been quite chilled. I haven’t seen all of the team yet. My manager said that everyone is a bit anxious because of how things were left at Christmas and because I blocked everyone on facebook (I was worrying way too much about what they thought, and really needed the space to just grow and be myself). Again, it would be nice if they could see the severity of why I had to do it, but ah well. Oftentimes my actions are perceived as me being…vindictive or that I did things on purpose, my innocence goes amiss a lot of the time.

I’m not too bothered, because going back I feel that it is not right for me. I don’t feel like I am working with people that get me, or in an enthusiastic environment, so I will be looking for new jobs. Mentally, it was a challenge to get through this weekend, as we just end up watching films and my mind begins to wonder. I do need a job that keeps my mind busy. I am back for a week, and then I have 3 weeks of annual leave off after that.

Hope you are well,

Cat

Dear Anita,

Thanks for replying. I’ve had a lot of emotions going on inside of me the past few days and lots of thoughts. It’s days like this (it’s been my day off today) where I spend it doing music promotion stuff and obsessing/ worrying about things. I find it difficult to pull myself out of these mindset. The weather doesn’t help either.

Yes, I thought that’s what it meant, and I feel really sad knowing that my parents are like that, and that they never got to experience more from life – growing up, different relationships, experiences, travelling etc.

1. Those opportunities are – To be independent, to establish a sense of one’s own identity, to break free from expectations and demands from parents, to create a life of her own, to understand feminism, to have an education, to embark on different creative projects, to have a range of different jobs, to go travelling.

2. Within a week – this is a hard question. Maybe 3/4 days spent in misery. The rest in happiness. It really does depend on the day and what I’m doing. Sometimes when I’m busy thinking that I’m working towards my life changing, then I feel positive. Focusing on positive feedback from all the music and gigs stuff I’ve been doing, focusing on Bristol etc. It’s days where I’m at home that the sadness/ pain comes.

3. The opportunities – me finding myself, independence has actually been a painful journey, of looking for myself in different people. University hasn’t brought peace, due to the drama that happened. Neither has travelling due to Clarence, being sectioned etc. So I guess all of them haven’t brought my peace so far…. Apart from doing the music stuff, which brings me a sense of belonging sometimes.

4. Yes. I think that sometimes.

5. Sometimes I get angry. When I feel like I am not being seen. For ex. when I changed my name, and people kept calling me by my old name. It was very painful as I felt as though I wanted to leave my past behind and start afresh. I get angry when I feel like people can’t see what I’m trying to do, or my intentions, or when people don’t understand me.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Really? I mean yes, they go out with their friends, they go drinking and stuff. But on a day-to-day basis they don’t talk that much, and when they do, it’s my Mum telling my Dad what to do and him being repressed. I’ve seen a lot of their relationship, and it really is just restricting and controlling. I think on a surface level they like to present themselves as being happy, but deep, deep down I know my Dad isn’t. He told me the day before my 7th birthday that sometimes he wishes he hadn’t married my Mum. Knowing that has stuck with me for years. So whenever I was alone with my Dad I could feel his inner pain, and his inner frustration. We never talked about it again, but yes I remember that confession clearly.

No, they hold themselves back. My Dad talks about being in a band, but never does it as he believes he can’t, or that it’s a silly idea. My parents never encouraged us to be ambitious or motivated at all. My mum doesn’t have goals or opportunities apart from going to gigs and stuff with my dad. My sister has goals, but she often lets them slip and forgets to focus on them.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Yes, but my mothers moments of joy are based around money. She is temporarily happy when she has something new, but at the heart of it she is not happy. I had a massive realisation recently (which I’ll explain in a bit), that I have been living life with a close/ guarded heart. Growing up I was never taught love, or how to be in touch with my heart, or how to treat people from a place of kindness and love – hence me growing up, being guarded, mistrusting, lashing out at people etc. My sister has been the same, and I feel like she still hasn’t learnt how to really open her heart – something that I wish the most for her.

I agree, no one is joyful all the time. I think that there is a lot of beauty to be found in human emotion. All of it. Even grief and sadness. People often look for the meaning of life. Through religions, science, philosophical theories. But to me it’s simple. There’s a magic of life which allows us to feel. Emotions are indescribable – how we the coldness of the winter wind makes us feel, or the rays of the summer sun, or the pain in our hearts when we allow ourselves to grieve, and then the healing of the heart when we allow ourselves to love again. To me, the meaning of life is that – the pure gift of simply being able to feel it.

I am learning to feel every moment. Physically, and allowing myself to act in accordance to what my heart is feeling.

On the topic of healing.
When I returned to work last Friday, my manager specifically advised me to give one of my colleagues, I’ll call her Hannah, time to get used to me being back, before saying anything/ apologising about Christmas. I was working with my other colleague, I’ll call her Tracy,on Saturday and we spoke about Christmas briefly and I apologised for what happened. Tracy is Christian, very kind natured and understanding, and she said very gently, “don’t worry about it, I’m sure no one is expecting you to refer to that, I’m sure everyone knows that you were going through a hard time”. I had a really lovely chat with Tracy.

I went to work on Wednesday, and Hannah was already on shift. Because of what my manager said, I just tried to act normal and said morning, and asked her how her trip to India was. I could sense that there was emotionally confusion, and she did reply but left the room and didn’t want to be around me. I left it and tried to get on with my work in the office because of what my manager had said. Tracy came in to the room, and gently said “You know what we talked about at the weekend, when you apologised and said I’m sorry? Those words can go really far”. I replied to Tracy and said, “I know, and I’m planning on apologising but manager said to leave it for a while, give it a couple of shifts before saying anything”. Tracy said “I see, yes well go with what manager said”.

After that, I tried to continue with my work – but I had an emotional breakthrough. I was thinking about apologising, how I’d hurt people, and being forgiven. And it hit that memory that I told you about – me being in my room and crying and crying and not being forgiven. I had an cry outburst and ran to the garden. Tracy came after me, and I spoke to her a bit about what this situation had reminded me of, and why I was going through a lot/ processing a lot. Tracy understood.

I spoke to my manager that day, and explained what had happened with the emotional breakthrough. He understood, and said it’s good that I’m realising these things. He moved my annual leave forward and sent me home, so I am off until April now.

Since being at home I have just been allowing myself to cry when I need to, think, and try and feel my heart and the emotions going on in it.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Currently processing/ experiencing a lot of emotions. Kind of an emotional awakening I feel. Lots of crying. Lots of mood swings too – maybe cus I’m due on period as well. But yes, intense emotional time for me, so please bare with me.

I agree with everything you said.

Tracy is lovely.

The memory was when I was 5/6. I can’t remember what happened, but I remember being innocent, and then my Mum making me really really upset. I went upstairs and cried my heart out in my bedroom. Just recognised that term “cry my heart out” – as if that day was the day that I closed my heart. And the day that I found God – the strength that I found within myself. That memory.

Cat