Dear Anita,

I understand about the numbers thing – it was only a few weeks ago in my pit of dire despair that I was frantically googling every number sequence I came upon!! It was pretty crazy. I feel better now having a direction and a Plan Of Action to work towards 🙂 I won’t speak of numbers again, I understand.

Wow, it does sound like we have had very similar experiences… Random question, but did your experiences growing up happen to affect your memory at all?! I ask because, I think I blocked so much of my childhood out, that now I do find it difficult to remember things…It’s weird. Have you heard of the term gaslighting as well? My parents did that to me a lot, and I think that’s why growing up I’ve had a lot of difficulties with judgement of character/ trust etc.

How is life for you now? Are you currently leading a life that you love?

I’m surrounding myself with my sister and supportive girl friends. I am very cautious now of other people and their intentions, and I am trying to follow your third option – thoughtfully choosing who I spend time with and how. It’s a skill for sure: I know too many women who put so much focus and attention on to guys who don’t deserve it 🙁 Ah well, all I can focus on is taking control of my life.

Cat

Hi Anita,

The term ‘gaslighting’ – as far as I’m aware, its the act of one person trying to make another person feel like they are deluded/ wrong/ crazy when in fact they are right. For ex. I’d say something like, “But you did say that”, to which they’d reply, “No, no I didn’t”. Etc. Or one minute they’d be really abusive, then next minute act like everything is normal…. Weird. So weird. The more I grow, and the more I move away, I realise that my parents are literally just two people I happened to be born to – I cannot relate to them at all, and I am slowly but surely allowing myself to step in to my own person and break free from their control.

I can relate, I hardly remember anything from my childhood either – probably for good reason!! And I too was very detached, a very floaty individual who was just drifting through life allowing myself to get bullied from all angles – school, home life etc. But now what do I say? Not today Satan, Not Today!!

How is your memory now? I find for me that it is still difficult to remember things – I could listen to an album over and over and not remember the track listings. Or I could read something, and forget the facts. Maybe it’s an attention thing as well, I’m not sure.

Up until recently I suffered from severe, severe depression and anxiety. To the point where I was in bed all the time, feeling too unworthy to even go down in to my kitchen (for real). I’m only really coming out of that now – but what I’ve learnt, since being off work – is that giving myself time to analyse my life – and see what parts were bringing me joy, and what weren’t/ what I wanted to do and what I wasn’t doing etc. Has seemed to set me on the right path and I feel open to new beginnings and change. Releasing the person that I thought I was and stepping in to what I could be…. It’s a practice of confidence in being the person that you love, the person that you want to be, and telling yourself that you are deserving of being that person, and that you are deserving of all the happiness you wish to achieve <3 <3 Also, I started back on medication, and personally that helps me as my depression is very very severe chemical imbalance, which I think is genetic.

You are right, both boys and girls are born deserving and free from all the expectations that will be put on them in terms of relationships…. I think it’s difficult to say which sex is more abusive, without statistics. So let’s agree that it can happen on both parts?

A lot of difficulties I’ve found in my relationships growing up have been due to the insecurities around sex – as if, if you don’t have sex then the partner will get bored or something. Or having guys who are mainly in to me for those reasons, although I admit I have been the same way with guys before. It’s crazy. Especially being my age and being around so many people all the time.

I have come to the conclusion recently that I am going to set a high standard for my next relationship. Not rush things or anything. And first of all ensure that my life is as good as it can be and that my self esteem is good. It’s going to take a while, but losing Clarence really made me realise that I wasn’t living a life that I loved and instead was looking to him to fix it all. I guess this is like the saviour thing you were talking about(!) I’ve done it time and time again, but this time, this one really made me stop doing it – and I doubt it will ever happen again.

Sending love,
Cat

Dear Anita,

Apologies for my late response here. I’ve been meaning to reply the past couple of days but wanted to be in a good head space due to the nature of what we’re talking about – Because those issues mentally and physically take me back to those darker times, it’s important I’m strong enough to write about them…. I’ll respond to your message, and then give you an update on what’s happening in my life 🙂

1. The point you made about comparing us to animals – I agree 100%. When I had counselling sessions a few years ago, I was taught that someone who has been abused is used to behaving out of the ‘fight or flight’ response, which happens in the amygdala part of the brain. I was so accustomed to hiding away, being fearful, running away etc because I was so used to using my amygdala all the time. I agree – and I think that because we had no escape from the aggressive parent, it has given us a good idea of what feeling trapped/ what suffering feels like/ what it is to suffer. I think these things are massive things to put upon a child, and even for a child to comprehend. I feel like there’s the possibility it did a lot of damage to my mind.

2. I have stopped running away now (I think).  I think Chicago was the cherry on the top of a long-baking escapism cake. Now I want to learn and practice loving myself, and creating a life that I am proud to lead and love to lead. I think far too often I resort back to being that young child in my head, and punishing myself by not eating, staying in my room, not washing etc. It’s a habit that I am aiming to overcome this year. And to develop a better relationship with myself.

3. No one has rescued me either. Time I rescued myself.

4. I disagree. I think this comment thread proves that this was the EXACT forum that I needed, and that YOU Anita, were the exact person that I needed to talk to. Your comments (mostly) and also the smaller comments from other people – you reignited my faith again, just from being there, and just from understanding. The service you provide to others goes along way, and far too often we don’t realise how sometimes the smallest act of showing understanding or support can really impact someone’s life. This whole conversation has given me a sense of stability over this past week or so. And for that I am extremely grateful <3

5. Yes, similar core beliefs… the hardest challenge I face in adulthood is challenging those core beliefs when I wake up every morning. Thinking, I have a right to a happy life. I have a right to a happy day and stable relationships etc etc. Small steps but I hope I will get there.

I spent the day in Bristol yesterday and had a very positive day 🙂 Mainly because the city is full of diversity, and people who are happy to live there! Which is what I need, and also people my age who I have stable relationships with. My friends and sister have been getting me through this time and I see a happier life coming ahead 🙂 It’s the act of believing it that I need to master. I did house viewings in Bristol yesterday, and there’s a girl with similar interests to me who I’m going to live with!! So I am sorting that out tomorrow.

Last night I realised that I have difficulties sleeping as well because I have a really bad pain in my mind. I used to think it was just overthinking, but there is a physical pain. Not sure if you’ve ever experienced anything similar? It keeps me up all night – I’m not sure whether it’s the depression or something else. I grew up with a “lazy eye” – although since my self-progress I’ve actually been using it more and more so I think it is linked to that too.

I’m sorry Anita. It sounds as though you had a really tough and unjust upbringing as well, and I know the heavy burden that it carries too. I am just hoping that your experiences in early life haven’t made you write off optimism for the rest of your life, because there is still so many good people, so much beauty and so many glorious moments still to be had.

Sending my love,
Cat