Dear Cat:

I couldn’t believe my eyes- but then, I believed: it is you! I am thrilled to read from you again 1 year.  five months, and 16 days since you posted last (April 3, 2022), and  5 years, 7 months and 16 days since you first posted on tiny buddha (Feb 3, 2018). We shared a common curiosity about numbers before). I will reply further in a couple of hours or so.

anita

Dear Cat:

“Firstly, how are you though? It’s been a year and 7 months since I have been on here“- well, since we communicated last, I’ve been working (not for money.. ) in the fields, apple orchards, corn fields.. cutting invasive blackberries, the monsters of the plant world.

“After an intense visit, it turned out that Magick had bipolar and he had not been taking his medication since the beginning of lockdown. He went back to France and focused on his health.. It’s taken us some time but we are friends again – he recognizes now exactly how it was from my perspective“- forgiveness is a beautiful thing to receive and to give. Forgiving him was very kind of you!

“As for me – I am still living in Bristol. I still work in care and I was working as a Team Leader in a care home… I started there December last year (left beginning of August)“- you are, always has been (as far as I remember) a hard-worker, a reliable, dependable, responsible and conscientious worker!

“It was also in June/ July that I dated my friend from school’s older brother – I’ll call him Ed.  When I met back up with Ed, it was clear that he was now an alcoholic, sadly. He told me that the drinking was under control, but it wasn’t. We got on like a house on fire, however I didn’t realise that he was drinking so much and also doing a lot of cocaine as well…  him, and put my foot down and said that no one deserves to be spoken to that way. He was drunk. We were supposed to have a nice weekend together, but he was unable to calm down and talk about his emotions – he was erratic, mood all over the place and I was in bed having nightmares and panic attacks“-

– so many, many… many people are suffering and trying to cure their suffering with drugs and alcohol, only that for many (not for all) drugs and alcohol create even more suffering, for themselves and for others, which seems to be the case here.

“It was a lot to deal with. As he would keep saying to me ‘I’ve been so low that I haven’t wanted to get out of bed’, ‘I’m broken’. And whenever I would try and speak he would say ‘Don’t tell me who I am’, ‘Don’t tell me how I feel’ – which I never did“- he needs help, you tried to help him but.. (as is so often the case when trying to help another person), he rejected your efforts.

“He went distant and so I contacted his family saying I was worried about him…  he said that me telling his family was ‘out of spite”. I said that I did it because I was worried about him but he kept just saying ‘No. No. No’ and just unable to sit down and communicate.. It was pretty heartbreaking“- unable to receive your help, unable to understand that you care.

“I haven’t heard from him since. The Ed situation combined with not being treated right at work took its toll and I ended up feeling suicidal. I told my work place this and they didn’t even ask if I was okay“- no caring on their parts, no efforts to help you, sadly

“I handed my notice in and then went off work sick. I am currently unemployed and taking each day as it comes. I have been going to the gym and trying to just… get myself back on track and confident again. It’s been so hard to not worry or think about Ed and how he is doing. I keep telling myself that people only change when they want to change, I just keep praying that he realises what he’s doing to his life and health soon“- you are a caring worker, a caring friend, a caring person. That he is not being able to see it/ to accept your help, doesn’t change the fact that you are a good, helpful person with good intentions and with the ability to help those who can be helped.

anita

Dear Cat:

You are welcome! No, I do not live in New England and not in a commune. I live outside city limit, on the hills, above a large agricultural valley: all kinds of crops grow there, as well as cows and goats.

I am sorry that Ed isn’t able to be the one for you. I hope that soon enough, you will be in a healthy relationship, and that sooner than that- you will get the job you are hoping to get.

I figure you are 29 or 30: you are still young (even if you don’t feel young). I wish I was your age…

You asked me what I think makes a good life. My answer: being okay in the distance between one’s ears. Quality of life is all about that short distance. Toxic shame and exaggerated or unearned guilt ruin quality of life.

For as long as I suspected that I was a bad person, I was miserable. Believing that I am a good person, really believing it- has been a game changer for me, and it happened recently, in the last few months perhaps.

What do you think about my answer?

anita

Dear Cat:

While I was having lunch (just finished), I looked one time at the clock and it was 1:11 pm.

anita

Dear Cat:

Good to read back from you!

“last week I got a new job. I will be a senior carer on nights, working in a dementia unit. The place where I am going to be working pays really well and it looks like Hogwarts! It actually blew me away when I went for the interview and the manager really liked me so I am looking forward to stepping into this new chapter!“-

C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S  !!! I can see you- in my mind’s eye- working in a place that looks like Hogwarts! An exciting new chapter!

“Do you live with people or alone? I am trying to visualise the environment where these messages are being received!!“- Let’s see what I can share comfortably on this public forum, at this point: I do not live alone, but not in a commune type setting either. I live on the hills, outside the city limits, about 5 miles from the nearest town, so it’s quite a forest type scenery up here, not many neighbors. Does this help at all, for your visualization?

“Thank you for soothing me on the Ed situation… I can’t explain how painful it all was, just wanting something to be fixed, and not being able to fix it“- you are welcome. You have a big heart, this is why you care so much.

“I do not want to date for a while now. I don’t do dating apps and I think these things should happen naturally. I am still strengthening my world and focusing on my goals – job, NVQ, gym, writing. I have a lot to work on“- excellent attitude, if I may say so.

“I am 30, and I do feel young!! Each day I remind myself that I am only 30, and work on grounding myself, my health and then focusing on my goals. How old are you?“- I would tell you how old I am but my fingers are refusing to type my age. (haha). I will tell you that I am old enough to feel that 30 is as young as 20 (when I turned 30, on the other hand, I perceived myself to be old).

“If I can ask: what made you feel like a bad person?“- my mother telling me how miserable she was and that it was my fault that she was miserable, detailing my alleged efforts to make her feel bad… Only a  BAD person would form the intent to make her mother suffer and then go through elaborated plans to make it happen (which is what she claimed I did, and no matter how much I tried to tell her it wasn’t true, she insisted otherwise).

“I know how that feels. There have been things that I’ve done or been through (when I used to do a lot of drugs) that sometimes I feel horrific about. But, I remind myself that the past is the past, and that making mistakes and having guilt is a human thing and there’s people in the world who have done a lot worse than I have!!“- I am sorry that you know how it feels,  but good to read that you forgive yourself for past mistakes. I wouldn’t want you to feel horrible about those mistakes or about anything: that would be unnecessary pain that will be of no benefit to you or to anyone else. It took a lot for me to forgive myself for mistakes and harms I caused other people as an older child and an adult. I am committed to becoming healthier and healthier and in so becoming  more and more willing and able to do-no-harm to others. And to myself.

“I remember at the time of writing, it felt like it needed to all come out and Tiny buddha felt like the space to do this and I released it. I would never write this stuff online now! But then, I have matured a lot over the years.. I have come to terms with everything from my childhood and in day life I am not affected by it“- good to read that you matured a lot. Indeed, your impressive maturity is evident in your writing. (Notice: Everything is the title of your thread).

“With the suffering quote – I realise now that my parents and also my sister are all older than me and all responsible adults too. I realise that they could’ve taken responsibility and reached out to me, and been concerned about me and my wellbeing. But they haven’t. and they have continued their lives as if I don’t exist, and so I have put the responsibility back onto them (especially my parents) and I have focused on myself and tried to make my life as happy as it can be“- it feels so good to read this. It inspires me to think similarly.

“In terms of you ‘losing’ being a right person for me, that isn’t the case at all. I guess life happened, I continued to grow daily and try and better myself. Started becoming someone who I would like to be friends with, and in turn attracting better people into my life (and still am). I understand that our connection is solely Tiny buddha forums based, and so I considered myself to be another person in your sea of people that you are helping! Did you feel as though you ‘lost’ me?”-

– (1) you were never another person in a sea of people, not in my mind. You are more like a beautiful, tree and life-filled island in the sea, full of life! (2) Yes, I thought that you lost respect for me. (3) Thank you so much for explaining that you were busy bettering yourself during your absence from these forums, it makes me feel good.

“It makes me happy that you are starting to believe in the numbers!! Mostly, I think the Universe does it to us, to remind us that it is there and is conscious and aware of what we are going through. At different points I have taken different paths in my life and the Universe has changed the angel number! At the moment mine are 23, 37 and still the classic 11:11. What numbers are you seeing?“- (1) I want to watch the YouTube video you mentioned, I think that it will give me some understanding of what we’re talking about here. (2) I keep seeing 11:11 and 1:11.

“Ed was – something different. It was impossible for me to have a true authentic connection with him because he is SO guarded, you can feel the defensive energy coming off him and he was so irrational due to the alcohol and drugs and was illogical, not making sense and also delusional. Sadly. I tried to help him, and even just trying to sit him down and calm him down, I wasn’t able to do. It was insane. But I really tried to highlight the problem and I appealed to his family members to help him. I just really really hope that he chooses to grow and change and face himself and his addiction.”-

– this is what I mean by saying that you have a big heart. You really, really tried to help him. You tried to reach him through his defenses, and when you weren’t able, you tried to enlist his family members to help him:  You did your Best!

anita

Dear Cat:

Glad to read from you! I hope you are sleeping well as I am type these words (It’s currently Wed 12:23 am your time; Tues 4:23 pm my time). I will be back to your thread and reply further tomorrow.

anita

How is Everything, Cat?

anita