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anita.
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November 16, 2018 at 3:25 am #237095
AnonymousGuestCorrection, the movie is called Bohemian Rhapsody (not Queen)
November 22, 2018 at 8:18 am #240323
CatParticipantDear Anita,
It’s just gone for 4pm in Bristol. I’m using my housemates laptop to reply, coffee next to me and still in pjamas. I woke up around 10am today but was super super tired. I had some breakfast, coffee and spoke to my other housemate before she left to go to Spain (she’s gone for 3 days). I then went back to sleep, and woke up again around 3. Feeling very hungry, I ordered a veggie burger, chips, cake and milkshake online. Lazy, I know. But thought I’d do it as a one-off, just til I feel better. I am replying to you now, then having a bath, then doing some cleaning up and then practicing guitar.
Yes, I do understand what you mean about suffering. I haven’t thought about it in that way before, but you are right…. And thinking about it, the people who inspire me to help end suffering, and to campaign against issues aren’t actually suffering. They are/ were people who were in a position to speak out and campaign against things because they could.
I think this core belief comes from my upbringing for sure, as I watched my parents suffer. But because they were suffering, they made us believe that we had to suffer too (and ensured that we did) yet also feel sorry for them etc etc. And a lot of the time put the blame of their suffering on to us. Yes, this is definitely where this core belief comes from!!!
Band practice last Friday went well!! We actually played the songs together, and well! We ran through both songs and nailed them in 40 minutes. Then spent the last hour and 20 minutes trying to record them on the 4-track. Although the recordings weren’t great due to the place it was positioned in the room… I got a recording on my phone, and this is keeping me inspired. The plan is to have another practice next Friday, and get some recordings done then. And then we can send them to the people interested in drumming. And then we will be sorting drummer try-outs!!
It feels like this is a dream coming true (as lame as that sounds). But we have a strong image, name, sound, and I know that if I’m able to put alot of energy and effort in to this, then I think we will be great…. It’s a new feeling though. As I never thought I would be good enough to be in a band. Or ever have the ability or confidence to do it… I know to a lot of people it would be like “but thats so easy, why is that a dream”. As i know there are people doing things far more extravagant. I don’t know. I guess for me, I’ve been so used to not taking control of my life. Of just living to work, not eating properly, hiding away. But now I’m taking steps to build and live the life that I want to – and to feel like I deserve that. And for me to really believe in myself and to believe I deserve that…. Well. I think it’s the biggest mindset challenge/ core belief/ life perspective that I have had to challenge so far. Can’t describe it really…. Let me know if you can relate to this.
British Columbia looks beautiful!! How is life for you Anita?
I haven’t watched Bohemian Rhapsody yet but I have heard good things!
Cat
November 22, 2018 at 8:39 am #240335AnonymousGuestDear Cat:
My life today is about Thanksgiving, the major holiday in the US for non-religious folks, and talking about food (you mentioned a veggie burger, chips- which means fries in US English- cake and milkshake), I will be having Cornish hens & turkey legs (not a vegetarian, are you?), cranberries and stuffing, yeast roles hot out of the oven and apple/ blackberry crisp.
Your band dream is exciting, it has been exciting for you from the beginning, since you first shared about it. This is why I thought the movie would interest you, it being about a band.
Regarding suffering, yes, I agree.
And my aim is to not suffer today as I am about to take a walk next in the fresh, cold air, lots of trees around, nature.
anita
December 11, 2018 at 8:48 am #268861AnonymousGuestHow are you, Cat?
anita
December 20, 2018 at 4:53 am #270103CatParticipantMy dear Anita,
Apologies again that my replies have been far between. Still no laptop, and I am avoiding trying to use my housemate’s mac as much as possible. She doesn’t mind, but we borrowed it a lot over the past few months, and so now trying to not use it as much. There is a library down the road, so I am going to start using that!!
In reply to your last message about thanksgiving: yes I am a vegetarian!! I was vegetarian from the age of twelve – my best friend did an insane job at converting us all!! I went vegan when I was 18 for a year. Although I was not a healthy vegan. Then, I went through a period where I did not want my identity to be so attached to my diet, so ate meat again (so I understand what you mean when you talk about the turkey and cranberry combination). I was then flexetarian for a few years, mainly eating vegetarian food, buying vegan but eating meat sandwiches when stressed…. And now I am back to being vegetarian now. I have also found out recently that I am gluten intolerant! So I am being more careful about what I eat.
Today:
It’s 12.39 here in Bristol, I’m in my pj’s, sat at my housemates desk writing this. We’ve had intense rain for the past few days, so the ground is wet but the sun has started to shine now. Her room is at the front of the house, so I can hear all the cars going past, and I can see the sunlight peeping in from under the blinds 🙂 I have my second coffee next to me. After I’ve written to you, I am going to have a shower/bath, get ready and then head in to town. I got paid yesterday so picking up some christmas presents and getting bits and bobs, and then meeting up with a friend later.In terms of how I’ve been. – Generally, well, better, growing.
I realise that it must’ve been about a year since I first posted on here!! A year that we have been talking. And I’ve been thinking about how much has changed, how much my life has changed throughout that year, and the fact that our conversation has continued all throughout that. It’s beautiful. Thank you for always being there.
Obviously you know where I’ve come from, and you’ve seen me on my journey, so I think you can understand me when I say: I continue to realise things about myself each day. Maybe this is normal? But I think, as people who were quite neglected from family, their personality goes unrecognised and undeveloped. Which is why now I think I am realising a lot of things about myself . -even small things like I don’t like tomatoes!!!!
Not much has happened over the past few months. I have continued working, been organising viewings for a new housemate. Our first housemate moved out in October, we had a 2nd one move in to her room but then she moved out last weekend!! We have just picked a 3rd new housemate, so hopefully this is 3rd time lucky!!
Work is going well, I am lucky to have a very very selfless manager who is 30, and extremely fair. He has been so supportive, and I feel like I am part of such an inclusive and welcoming team. We had a christmas party yesterday, for all the residents. It was lovely. So much effort went in to it, and we even had donkeys with reindeer antlers on!! Was lovely to see all the residents and their families there. Alot of care and love and great people in that place.
I have more to say on the topic of love, families, closeness, trust, acceptance, friends, encouragement, motivation, belonging, goodness, expression, art, being in control of what I feel inside and what I communicate/express etc. But I feel like that’s a longer message we can discuss after this one 🙂 🙂 Would love to hear your thoughts?
How are you this festive season my friend? I would love to hear everything.
Love Cat x
December 20, 2018 at 7:50 am #270157AnonymousGuestDear Cat:
I just typed a whole post to you and lost it, you know how it feels…?
Well, I will repeat what I wrote and try to get over my frustration of losing the post. When you described your experience of a short while ago I got the feel of it, the rain, the sun coming through, your coffee, getting ready. It is 7:45 AM here, no longer dark, but no visible sun. There may not be a visible sun today, I don’t think there was yesterday. And that is okay with me. I remember fondly the first time I encountered this weather, it was London and I was your age. Still love this weather!
Regarding diets, I too was a vegetarian and at times a vegan. I remember the ten days fast I went on in the early nineties, it was the cleansing madness years. Ten days of drinking apple juice with psyllium husks mixed in it. I was supposed to smell like apples following the fast, nothing but fruity, did not happen.
Yes, what a difference in your writing since the beginning of your thread, what progress you made, what improvement of your mental health, a delight to witness it here, really is! And I hope to keep witnessing your progress, keep doing what works for you, keep at it.
And don’t worry about the timing of your replies or posts, anytime you write is a good time. A pleasure to read from you!
anita
December 24, 2018 at 9:20 am #270757AnonymousGuestM E R R Y C H R I S T M A S, C A T !!!
anita
January 6, 2019 at 1:44 am #272509CatParticipantDear Anita,
Sorry this is late. MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
How was your xmas/new years?
Yes, writing out long replies and losing them has happened to me MANY times!!! I feel the frustration. Now I tend to write the reply in a document then copy and paste it over.
How many times have you been to the UK? And how did u find London??
That apple juice diet sounds mental!!! I still struggle with buying /cooking food but that is one of my goals for this year.
Cat xoxo
January 6, 2019 at 8:15 am #272545AnonymousGuestDear Cat:
I visited London a few times, best was the first visit, a very touristy visit where I used the underground very well to get to all the touristy locations, including north of London. Last visit it was too rainy. Grey is okay with me, I like that about London, but rain.. that literally rained on my parade. I loved the Indian food/ restaurants, that was were I discovered Indian food. Loved the parks, so very green. And the grey, nice to not suffer under a scorching sun.
Thank you for your good wishes!
anita
January 25, 2019 at 5:29 am #276791CatParticipantDear Anita,
I do love London when I go there! There is something about how renowned it is that really appeals me and I love the way of life. I used to love it more when I was younger. But I know how expensive it is to live there!! The underground is my favourite 🙂 🙂
At the moment I am still saving to pay back some debt, but I am getting there! At christmas the bank turned my overdraft in to loan credit, which means I am actually paying it back now! Small steps but progress is being made. Right now, my life is: Bristol, seeking stability in my job and coming to terms with the path that I am on – nursing care, developing my style – including punk patches and black lipstick, band practice and writing songs, practicing guitar, and seeing friends. Yes, I am Bristol-bound, but creating and building something is keeping me going.
How are you? What have you been up to?
Cat x
January 25, 2019 at 9:57 am #276867AnonymousGuestDear Cat:
Congratulations for turning your overdraft to loan credit and persisting with paying off your debts and seeking stability in your nurse care career. I have a visual of you with black lipstick. Your Bristol-bound life reads good to me!
I am up to healing my three-week injured foot/ankle, limping. I will believe that I can walk again like I used to, when it happens, it’s been so long.
anita
January 31, 2019 at 5:56 am #277843CatParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you 🙂 How did you injure your ankle?
Cat
January 31, 2019 at 8:25 am #277869AnonymousGuestDear Cat:
I dropped a tree on my foot and it got twisted in the process. How does a tree get dropped on a foot, one may wonder. Well, following a wind storm in the wooded area where I live, trees fall, parts of or whole trees. I carried one fallen tree, then tried to place it vertically against other trees (to eventually be used for fire in the woodstove), but the operation failed. I have my foot elevated as I type this.
anita
February 19, 2019 at 2:40 am #280717CatParticipantDear Anita,
I’ll reply properly to your previous message in a couple of days…
Right now, my heart feels very heavy. And the one thing I can think to help with this is reaching out to you.
I have a friend, who I’ll call Georgia, who lives in Ireland. I’ve known her for nearly 2 years. She’s really creative, in a band and a massive inspiration to me. All the time I’ve known her, she has had an abusive relationship with a guy. They’re always on/off. She opened up to me last night and told me how he treated her. Physically abusive. Telling her to commit suicide etc.
It’s so so so awful. I’m trying to support her best I can. But hearing about it all last night has left me feeling sad, heavy heart and depressed this morning. It’s triggered memories of stuff I’ve seen/been through.
Please could you think of a way that I can support her, but not experiencing this depression at the same time? It’s so hard. I have things to do today, but I feel guilty living such a good life, knowing what she’s going through.
Cat
February 19, 2019 at 5:54 am #280729AnonymousGuestDear Cat:
I re-read the Feb 18- Feb 25 2018, page 4 of your thread. You wrote there: “I am now seeing the light on the other side.. I am seeing a more positive future… I am trying to focus on me and my life, rather than feeling like I need to reply to messages right away etc. I feel so much healthier… When I was young, my great gran died and I stopped listening to music, as a punishment. Because in my head, she couldn’t have the joy of listening to music anymore, wherever she was, which meant that I didn’t deserve to… I was always made to feel guilty for living my life… This is why I don’t eat or do things to benefit myself. It’s easier for me to focus on other people, like spending all my time making sure my friends are okay rather than getting on with my day.
They definitely instilled that idea that I’m a bad person if I don’t suffer too, that I’m a bad person if I focus on myself or did things that I loved etc. I always had to be doing something to please them…
I think that the purpose of me punishing myself, is so that it helps others. For some reason, if I stopped listening to music, then maybe my gran would have that pleasure up in heaven… I tell my sister to focus on herself, but then I don’t focus on myself.. I feel like it would be selfish of me to not put her first… the core belief is the thing that is stopping me from doing the things that I need to heal! such as aerobics, meditation, cooking etc!! I guess it’s gradually going ‘I’m worth this.. As for an update- good things- I put on a gig at the Pig n Fiddle on Thursday n it went really really well and everyone loved it”
Feb 22 2018 I posted to you the following:
“Dear Cat:
Earlier in your thread you wrote: ‘I feel guilty for simply living my life… because my parents never had that freedom… if they can’t have it, why should I?… deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight on my shoulder… it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself..’
… you suffer because as a child your parents imprinted in your brain the core belief that you are a bad person if you don’t suffer too. That you must suffer until and unless they no longer suffer.
If your sister no longer suffered, that would be a relief for you, but your suffering will resume when you notice that someone else is suffering, triggering your core belief formed in your formative years, those years of childhood. This core belief will not go away if and when your sister no longer suffers… The purpose of you punishing yourself is to be good, to punish the bad you and be a good person
.. In summary: this core belief will continue to inflict you with suffering for as long as it exists. There will be good days of hope and positive motivation, but unless you take on the slow and difficult process of healing, that is, changing the many neuropathways in your brain carrying this core belief, the misery will return”
My input today, a year later: the misery returned when Georgia shared with you what she did. Your core belief that you are a bad person who is responsible/ guilty for another’s suffering and therefore you need to be punished, to suffer too, this core belief got activated.
“I feel guilty living such a good life, knowing she’s going through” you wrote today regarding Georgia. This is the same guilt you felt when your parents suffered or didn’t have the opportunities they wanted, when your great gran couldn’t listen to music anymore, when your sister expressed to you her suffering and now, when Georgia expressed to you her suffering.
You are now inclined to punish yourself, to put your life on hold, to make sure you are unhappy and suffering too.
Resist this core belief, talk sense to yourself: you, Cat, are a good person. You didn’t cause Georgia’s suffering, not whatsoever, not your doing, you had nothing to do with it. You don’t deserve to suffer, you deserve to make the best of your life, today, so go and make the best of it!
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 