Dear Anita,

How have you been? I hope this message finds you well. I still don’t have a replacement laptop yet so writing this on my phone… Soon hopefully!!

With the burglaries – it turns out that there was loads happening in my area 🙁 We think that there is a gang of people going around commiting crimes the past few months. A couple of people have been attacked and in one case a cat was killed 🙁 its a long shot that we will get our stuff back, but we are all doing really well despite this.

We are all spending more time in the lounge talking! Haha. And I am using this time to catch up on reading.

Generally, I am well. I finished CBT a couple of months ago now and have remained pretty stable!! I am continuously learning and growing, and remembering mindfulness on a daily basis.

I do suffer alot with nightmares. Almost every night now. It is a test to wake up in the morning and step forward in the day with positivity, as the nightmares are always about my family and feeling guilty or feeling trapped with them in the nightmares.

I am trying to endure them, and remind myself I can still lead the life I want despite my family seeing me as Satan.

Cat xxo

Dear Ram,

Sorry I thought I replied to this!! Thank you for reading through all of mine and Anita’s messages, that is some dedication!!

Anita has helped me greatly since last December, and I have kept her updated throughout my progress!!

In terms of the BPD, I found that CBT, mindfulness and tiny buddha really helped me.

I wish you luck, and hope that you continue to progress, hope tiny buddha works for you too.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Good to hear from you. Its funny that you messaged on here, as I’ve been meaning to message you the past couple days!! I meant to do it on 11:11 (a big spiritual day for me) but I was busy writing down manifestations for the future!!

How are you? How have you been?

Things for me have been pretty stable, but I do continue to push myself and grow.

Bristol has been great! We went all out on Halloween and did the house up amazing. My birthday was back in April but I was having a breakdown so didn’t celebrate it, so I celebrated it on Halloween instead. Great time with my close friends. Very funny.

I continue to do the long hour days. Which is fine.

Last week I had a bit of an epiphany at work. I was on a long day and around 4.30 I started feeling really trapped. It made me think about my life. The job I’m at now isn’t a job where I want to be forever. I would prefer a more chilled job but atm I need to just keep a job in order to pay back my debt. That is the main goal. I also realised that band stuff was really stagnant and not happening. And realised Ive been wanting to dye my hair for ages.

I took some time out on shift and had a little cry. I called my friend Emily. It was a wake up call to start doing the things I love now. I got in touch with my bassist and told her I NEED to do this etc. Need to throw myself in to a project. She got it together and we now have band practice this coming Friday. I also dyed my hair bright red last night and it looks great. Today I also did loads of guitar practice. I feel like I am becoming the person I want to be.

I struggle alot thinking I’m not good enough. But I did it. I dyed my hair. And I practiced guitar and wrote a solo. I’m starting to feel like my goals aren’t as impossible as I have seen them in my mind. And that is honestly one of the most liberating things ever for me….. I wish I could feel this capable and in alignment all the time!

In general things are stable and good…. In the past week I have had contact with Toby over messenger… I asked to see how he was, and it ended up turning in to a conversation where he was open with me about where he’s at and why he’s being self destructive. He opened up about his family and his upbringing and lots of different stuff and how he sees himself etc. I spoke to him for hours. He said he felt weird because he doesn’t talk to people about his stuff etc.

I was rational and I connected with him on a human to human level and was giving him some advice about well being, self care etc.

It was hard for me to hear him be so hard on himself. He calls himself a lot of horrible names all the time and is generally in a really bad place. Doing a lot of drugs, drinking alot etc etc.

I was worried about him. And because I’m an empath, my worry and concern stayed with me and consumed me to the point where I didn’t go to work on Monday.

I spoke to my friend Michael about all of this, and he said that it sounds like I am a healer. I agreed and said that when I see someone suffering, I feel that energy and feel an urgent call to help them.

I realised this. I spoke to Toby and I said, that I can’t sacrifice my health or wellbeing in order to help him and that only he can do that for himself. But I did say that I would encourage him towards being able to help and care for himself.

I offer him advice. As and when he replies. I have put his message notifications on mute, so I can read them as and when I am ready and so messages do not alarm me etc.

My housemates think I shouldn’t be talking to him. But I have a feeling that I’m probably one of the few people in his life who have time, patience and general kindness that I think he does need from somewhere. He is in a really bad place, and if my messages bring a little bit of hope in to his life, then I think it’s worth it.

Let me know your thoughts.

Cat

Dear Anita,

It’s good to be back in communication with you. As much as I continue to grow in to more independence, I often think of you, my Tiny Buddha pen pal!!

How are things in the States? I went to type LA, but realised that was where you used to live. Where do you live now??

Yes. The red hair was another step for me towards being the person, and leading the life that I want to live. Punk means alot to me. The music, bands, gigs, the scene, the creativity, expressing myself through piercings, tatts, hair etc etc.

I have struggled alot with feeling like I am worthy of doing these things, or feeling like I can. These things make me happy, and I guess sometimes I feel that it’s selfish for me to be happy in this world. I tend to think that because I know what suffering is, and Ive always thought that if someone else is suffering then I need to suffer too. I guess I grew up with that being taught to me. And I’ve been so accustom to ignoring my needs and living depending on my parents emotions and suffering.

For example. It seems strange that I should feel good about spending time getting ready in the morning and wearing the clothes I want to wear, make up etc and not feel selfish. Why should I feel happy about something like that when so many others are suffering?

I guess this is a conundrum I have. Because by doing the things I love, I feel selfish. But not doing the things I love, I feel unfulfilled and frustrated. It makes it difficult for me to see friends who express themselves greatly in their appearance, create art all the time and are in bands because I know that fulfills me. Thinking I could be in a band and out energy towards that feels like such a dream.

In terms of the band. I have band practice tomorrow. I need to go over some songs tonight. I am extremely excited, but also very nervous! As again, this is something I really want and so I want to be good enough.

Last year even the thought of playing in front of people made my hands sweat, but I pushed myself and played live etc. This is definitely another push. To really make myself believe that I am good enough to be in a band and play with others…..

It’s almost like me believing in myself would be the ultimate act of selfishness. Maybe this is something my parents taught me as well. Most likely. The biggest core belief I feel.

I had a chat with my manager yesterday. We talked for an hour or so about everything. Even Toby. He is so supportive. So so supportive. And we spoke about confidence, and when I spoke to him about the band he said “why do you think that you’re not good enough? There’s always going to be someone better than you, but why should that stop you? Like me becoming manager here. I was scared as hell. Wondered what people would think because I’m younger, new to the job etc. But I thought, I will try my best. And if my best isn’t good enough. I’ll re-evaluate and see what I can do differently and try that. And if I try again and it doesn’t work, I’ll re-evaluate and try again. And if I keep trying and it doesn’t work, then it’s simply the fact that it wasn’t for me, and I’ll put my best elsewhere. There’s no point in worrying, because how you think about things will affect how you play. You are as good as you think you are”.

We had a massive confidence talk and he reminded me that a positive attitude and confidence in life attracts that back. I felt very motivated to work yesterday. And a reminder that I am capable.

That’s a big one. Me actually feeling capable in life.

As for Toby. I did think about suggesting tiny buddha to him. He hasn’t replied to my last message. I think he is so far in his own troubles that the time he takes to think about my words, if he does, will be far and in between. I will see how it goes and suggest when the time is right.

Cat