Dear Anita,

You’re right about alot of things there – I’ll address them at a later date.

Last night I was going to type out the conversation that I had with Toby, to try and get a better view of the situation, but he replied and made things clear:

He said:

‘You’re super sweet, but I don’t want you to put me on a pedestal, not for modesty and not for sympathy but because I’m all smoke and mirrors, I’m okay with that but I’d be a shit head to use that as manipulation, your words hold poetic weight but mine say you have a fantastic ass and I want to eat your pussy”.

Pretty straight forward there. I feel relieved today, as I’m no longer attached to this ideal image that I thought he was, and have let it go. Later on he also said to me “Not everything needs to hold so much weight” – because I always have a comeback for things. He is right, it doesn’t and it made me realise that I do see a lot of weight in things. However, I think it’s more the case that a lot of men will put their own weight forward, but when a woman does it back its seen as a bad thing.

Cat

Dear Anita,

It’s Sunday, 3.15pm here in Bristol. I am sat in bed, still under my duvet. My first day off of work and I am having a duvet day. I have 2 more days off of work after today. I am practicing giving myself this time to rest. The sky is white, and it has been drearily raining here.

In general, I am growing. I had a good chat with my therapist on Friday and we spoke about worth. The lesson I took away was: “Even if you are imperfect, you are still worthy”. And that is something that has made me view my life and my current place where I’m at so much more bearable, and more equal with other people. Even if life isn’t perfect, it is still worthy.

I was also reading ‘Take me to truth: undoing the ego’ on the bus home last night, and reading about making decisions from a place of unified self, rather than egotistical desires. It made me realise I can release all the worry and doubt, and things that make me feel this way, and direct my energies instead on to the things that I do have and the things that give back to me as well.

In regards to Toby, I feel like this situation is taking away from my life. I’ve been caught between, thinking that he is bad for me, or thinking that maybe I’m not giving him a chance. But the situation has been too confusing, too up and down etc. And something that isn’t enhancing my life, but more making me worry about why he isn’t being consistent.

He said this the other day:
‘I have to state that you are like a human realisation of a whirlwind, from my mind that’s a positive before you latch on there and lastly you do by now realise I’m an arsehole right? And you know I don’t mean that in a ‘woe is me’ way just I feel lik we’ve had enough exposure to hit the vein, I think I’ve said before that I don’t play games and I’m a dreadful lier but I do jump between versions of me that tune into the more interesting and psychologically driven versions of the world around us and the more detached and straight-forward, if that makes me a royal shit-head then you’re probably right but if not then [sexual suggestion]’.

I know that I’m such an understanding and open person, but I’ve tried to understand and be honest with him etc. But I think he IS a liar, and he DOES play games. That’s the feeling that I get, and I just feel that this situation is an obstacle preventing me from accepting things that are life-enhancing for me, and no offence to him, but to attract better people.

He does play games, by replying loads about philosophy, and then not messaging at all. I think he just likes the attention to be honest, and I think he IS manipulative in this and out for his own gain.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I wish that everyone was as patient, respectful and considerate as you are. I can find it really hard times with situations – take this Toby one for example. Where I approach people with genuinity, understanding and kindness and do come across liars, bullies, game players and people who aren’t really that nice. I’ve seen so many pretend to be nice or good people – it’s actually quite dark the more I think about it, and a really big problem, especially amongst younger people I feel. Why don’t people WANT to be nice? Or WANT to progress themselves? Or WANT to be decent people??!

In an earlier message you wrote:

‘From my understanding of you, Cat, you don’t get to know the men in your life, you don’t take the time. Instead, you assume they are wonderful, put them up on that pedestal and look up to them as your superiors. Then you proceed to tell them everything about yourself, sort of  sinner confessing to god. As if the man on the pedestal has this superior brain-computer that is able and willing to process the information you give him and figure out what to do so to make your life better’.

And you are right. I have done this many times with guys, and I am still thinking as to why I do do this. I project an image on to them that I see – decent, caring, reliable, understanding, boyish etc. All these qualities I see in them. Maybe this is what I seek in an ideal boyfriend. Maybe these are qualities that I have in myself, I am not sure. I think I’d like to think that if I am myself, and honest with someone, then the right person will see me and accept me for who I am…. And anyone who doesn’t isn’t worth it. I guess that’s the philosophy I’ve been going with, in terms of being open with guys. I am a big personality, and I don’t hide that from people – sometimes I question myself on doing this, and sometimes I fail to see myself or how I come across. I’m not sure.

I know, I know. The worst thing about Toby is that he’s intelligent, and chooses to be an asshole. Chooses. He chooses to play with people’s emotions. I’ve sent him this one last message:

‘I’m going to be honest, and just say it’s best for me if we don’t talk anymore. I’ve only ever been 100% and honest and real about everything and also upfront and straight up about what I wanted from this. As much as you kept sating you’re not a manipulator or a liar, I think it’s really quite obvious that you are And also only out for your own personal interest or gain. You seem to be able to lie and switch emotions on and off, which is quite sociopathic. And I think you take pleasure in the idea of pursuing someone, or making someone interested in you, to boost your own ego temporarily, and I feel that there’s also a sadism in the way that you flatter people to make them feel like you’re a nice person, and then remove all respect for them and ignore them. I feel like you enjoy, take pleasure from and revel in doing this with people. It’s really quite sad. You’re an intelligent person, but yet you’re so addicted to your own suffering, or maybe really are just a sadistic sociopath, that you don’t use your own intelligence and experience to heal. You just keep creating more hurt and more pain by presenting the world with falsities all the time.

I did try and understand you and talk to you on a level, but you proved again and again that you weren’t the person you initially said you were. Which begs the question: do you even know yourself? I’ve been torn as to whether you’re this emotional, sensitive guy who’s been hurt and uses the asshole card as an excuse to not get close to people, or if you are just a sociopath. Even the term ‘Fuck boy’ is a surface level label for a sociopath centered on women – stemming from years of sexism, gaslighting, misogyny and male privilege. Either way, your attitude and behaviour isn’t anything special. I’ve seen it before and I’m sure I’ll see it again. It isn’t unique or individual, it isn’t intelligent, it isn’t attractive and it isn’t beneficial in any way, shape and form to our culture. It’s actually just cowardice and in turn actually turns your own persona in to a product of the society you claim to analyse and talk about a lot. I don’t think you have a right to point fingers at a culture or society when your behaviour adds to and creates some of its problems as well.

I think you crossed paths with me because I’m intelligent and can see past all the bullshit. It’s just another disappointment for me, being a caring person, as I genuinely did give a shit about you and did feel a natural passion there, but now I think it’s all just been part of this false fabrication you’ve been showing me. I don’t do well with being fucked with which is why I’m telling you the harsh truths. I don’t know what you gain from this apart from rubbing your hands in sadistic greed and pleasure at the thought that you hurt me, but you haven’t – you’ve just made me realise all the qualities, feelings and treatment that I don’t need or want in my life, and made me realise the real lack of progression that is currently happening.

If you’re left with a sense of pleasure, pride or ego boost from the time, energy or attention I’ve given to you then you’re mistaken. Because I get to walk away with a renewed insight in to my own life, standards and position in society, whereas you’re left with my harsh truths. What’s sad is that the person you presented yourself to be initially, and the person in my head – that I saw a lot of mutual qualities in, like honesty, genuinity, individualism, passion, depth – I get to walk away with all of that still, and continue to live on that vibration. But you don’t get left with that, you just get left with your empty shell of lies’.

Let me know thoughts,

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well.

I think I am so keen to see the good in people – almost as if I can’t not see it, if that makes sense. Hence how I saw the good in Clarence, and saw the good in Toby. I see it, and they themselves show me that they’re sensitive, deep etc. Although Clarence ISNT – he’s misogynistic, sexist and just awful to women :'( I don’t know what it is about me, it’s like I am unable to believe that people can be anything other than genuine or honest. :'( :'( My mind just doesn’t understand how some people are liars, or why some people play games and hurt people etc.

Regarding the parents stuff, I agree. I think that is why sometimes I feel so alone, despite being surrounded by housemates. I feel like I am living on my own isolated planet, where no one can see me and no one understands me.

Lots of emotions and thoughts right now – confused, sad, confused, stupid, lonely, confused.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well.

Things have calmed down a lot from the Toby situation. Things continue to change with me, my life, my values, attitudes, beliefs etc. Have been for the past two months, as think I am finding a sense of grounding in myself.

Not sure if I mentioned, but when I was 20/21 I sought salvation at a multi-faith ashram Skanda Vale in Camarthen, Wales. You can stay there for free, as long as you volunteer for 3 hours a day – polishing brass/ gardening etc. Indian families go there from all across the world. There are 6 pujas a day, starting at 5 in the morning until around 8pm. It’s multi-faith, primarily Hindu and Buddhist, but there is a Christian service on Sunday.

It was there that I met my friend I was telling you about before. British Indian woman.We both went alone, and it’s rare for single women to go there alone. We bonded well, and we would stay up every night drinking tea and talking about life together. She came to my graduation 🙂 🙂

Anyway, at the end of each puja – they play ‘Om Namah Shivaya’ by Krishna Das. It’s 11 minutes and I love it. I have been playing it more recently, and I played it the other day, prayed and released on my worries, then I played guitar and started growing in confidence and loving it. It was the best time I’d played guitar because I allowed myself to enjoy it – it made a world of difference.

I am starting to pray more, and I would like to learn Sanskrit.

There’s more going on with me, but will tell you in future message/ discuss in future message.

Also, I’ve been meaning to ask for ages now – I’ve noticed that when you write a message, you always Capitalise the first letter of everyone else’s name, but you don’t use capitals for your own name, it’s always ‘anita’ – is there any reason for this??

Cat

Dear Anita. Hope this message finds u fast. I’m writing this on my phone. My house was burgled yesterday. I got a call at end of my shift from housemate crying. I got a taxi home ASAP. Burgers had come in daytime through front window. Stole my chrome book and camera. Stole 4 grand worth of equipment from my housemate room. We are all shook up. 2 of my housemates have gone away on hols. Cas who’s stuff was stolen most is staying at bfs cus she doesn’t want to b here right now. I’m home alone. Spent day processing n catching up on sleep. About to have a bath. Not sure if I should stay in or go out. Cat