Dear Anita,

I’ve been meaning to message you for a while – life’s been pretty busy since we last talked. I will try and fill you in thoroughly(!!!)

In response to your last message: How was living in LA? What year was this? A skate punk band I love called FIDLAR are from LA, not sure if you’ve heard of them. When I visited the States, albeit the intense situation(!) I did really love it there. I hope to return one day and experience more.

Wow, that’s cool. Bristol is actually known for its food. Lots and lots of independent markets and shops, freshly grown food, food workshops. Lots of vegetarian and vegan cafes and restaurants. Are you vegetarian or vegan?

In terms of my life… I realise that this is a REALLY important stage in my life, as I’ve realised that I’m growing and maturing… In to someone who is mature, functional, healthy and adult…. This is a new and scary concept for me, as growing up, my parents were two adults who weren’t that at all, and didn’t encourage growth or new changes etc. So I am in the state of looking at the person I’ve been so far, and realising that I don’t need to be attached to that, if that makes sense?

The last time we spoke, I was on my way out… The day didn’t go as planned, as I had a toke on my friends joint, stupidly, and it set off an extreme episode of paranoia. I called one of my friends and was apologising for being a bad friend (in my head I felt like I was a shame to society/ I was different from everyone/ everyone laughed at me/ I was pathetic etc etc. She spoke to me on the phone for a while. My head was so distant from the real world. I had to walk off for ages, go fit by the harbourside by myself, and just wait for the effects to wear off. I distracted myself by sitting by strangers and listening to their conversations and talking to them (something I used to do all the time). I went home that night, slept and luckily returned to my safe place in my head the next morning.

Lesson learnt from this: never ever touch weed again. As it brings out a lot of deep rooted thoughts and feelings that I am trying to uncouth and change already.

In general, life has been good. My friendships with my housemates remain supportive, safe and I feel at home…

There is a potential new guy on the scene. I will call him Toby. Toby added me on Facebook a few months ago, when I was doing promotion work. I remember seeing his profile, and almost feeling like I knew him. This was before the Noel thing. My initial thoughts were: “This guy seems to be my perfect type: bleach blonde hair, grungey, plays guitar etc”. But I had a feeling that he was almost too perfect or too confident or too real, if that makes sense, and I found that intimidating, as I know I could be all those things but wouldn’t want to come across as a faker to someone who was actually doing it.

Anyway, we never spoke. About a month or so a go, I messaged him asking about his IG name. He said that he was hoping to hear from me as he’s been following my posts for a while and agrees with my vibe. We have started talking. He’s a thinker, so we talk about humanity, life, society, thoughts etc. There was subtle attraction mentioned in messages, but not confirmed. We arranged to meet on a Tuesday. He forgot. I gave him a speech about my self worth etc. We both apologised and talked some more, and then we finally met up last Friday.

Toby, in my eyes, is super confident and social, although he says all the time that he has anxiety. I took him to a music exhibition, and he talked the whole time. He can talk for England I swear. We went to the beer emporium afterwards and continued talking. At the end of the night, he said he didn’t want to be soppy, but he was happy with how it had gone, and that I was a fantastic person and that he looked forward to exploring our connection. I went home, and he messaged me the same thing.

We have been messaging since. Again, about my own journey at the moment, and how we see ourselves. He keeps saying he has anxiety – although he comes across as the complete opposite. He also said he thinks he looks like shit, and acts like shit etc. … I’m not sure what to make of that, but I have told him that I am being mindful about our connection, as I don’t want to repeat past mistakes.

By this, I mean – not being too focused on it, not putting everything on to it, and taking it one day at a time. Right now I am just seeing him as a new friend.

One more thing. When we met up, he mentioned this guy called Ethan. MY heart sank. And it turns out it’s one of my exes…. Toby said he’s not friends with Ethan, but his friend is etc. I had to tell Toby how gross Ethan is (because he really is) and Toby said that Ethan randomly gets out porn videos in the middle of conversations – so gross.

With Ethan – I dated him for a few months five years ago. I was going through such a bad time, and this is before I started by spiritual journey. It was drug fuelled and Ethan was nice to me. Ethan would make disgusting jokes, self depricate and a really negative person. The whole group was really. He was very disgusting and had no self-esteem. Looking back, I’m ashamed that I went out with him.

But, it gets worse – Toby is going to start working in the place where Ethan works :'( And I’m really worried that Ethan’s going to talk to him about me, and tell him what I was like at that time. And I’m also worried that Ethan’s negative behaviour is going to run off on Toby, and he’s going to become the same.

I would like to hear your thoughts on all this.

I am going to write another message with more updates.

Dear Anita,

I hope that this message finds you well? I’m at one of these “I need to message Anita” moments.
I’ve had a somewhat relapse today and I am confused about me, myself and my life. I will explain the situation that I am in now at the end of the message, as it most likely links in to my emotional dysfunction as well.

In response to your last message:
I am definitely confronting a lot right now, facing a lot of core beliefs and a lot of low self-esteem, fear and apathy I have towards my life. Thank you for allowing me to write them out here and hear your perspective on things, it helps me to see things more clearly.

No, I never pretend, but sometimes it can feel like others are pretending… This is when I feel confused.

Yes, they see me as someone that I’m not, and I think growing up I internalised this perception of myself: ugly, a freak, quiet, no friends, invisible, embarassed, ashamed, an outsider, unwanted, depressing, obsessive, uncool. I felt like this all through school. It was only during my teens when I started speaking up, getting in situations, hormonal etc that I began to grow out of this image. I’ve gone through a lot of different stages with how I perceive myself. I think now, I see myself as these things: passionate, wise, attractive, deep, emotional, meaningful, stylish, outspoken, big personality, funny, cheeky, rebellious, spiritual – although there are still some traits that I still see there – uncool, obsessive, outsider.

I definitely relate to the guilt and shame!!! Which is really strange, because only a few days ago I felt strangely clear-minded and free from that old energy. I realised then that most of the problems in my head was that feeling of guilt and shame about my life that had been put on to me by my family. I relate 100%. It’s almost like the grief and shame just become part of my biology-  as if guilt and shame is the energy that forms my backbone or something. Like it’s always there at the back, does that make sense?? And without it, I feel like I am a free human, and I find life a lot easier.

In my family home, I’ve said this before – I was never given that chance to focus on myself. EVERYTHING revolved around the emotional state of my mother. Everything. It was awful. There would be arguing every day and every night. So much crying, and so many undue punishments. Me and my sister weren’t allowed to be children really or feel safe or at peace in our home. We were constantly reminded that it was their house all the time. My Mum would find faults with everyone and was negative about everything. She would talk about people, and my Dad just put up with it. She would start arguments, not let him do things – like see his family or play guitar etc, and then he would get mad – not be brave enough to stand up to her and then take it out on me and my sister. It almost united them to have a common enemy – us. So messed up, I know. So, so messed up.

I don’t talk to my therapist about past stuff because I’m doing CBT not psychotherapy. But it does help me to have you to open up to stuff about this, as it almost feels like a release. I’ve told you a lot about what my parents were like. Sometimes I get so confused about who I am or what my purpose in life is.

Ok, so current situation… about emotional dysregulation/ work/ escapism – Which links in with the Toby thing:

So, Toby added me on facebook, a few months back. I remember seeing his profile and having a feeling – like he was 100% the person I’d go for, but he looked like he was super confident and a bit arrogant. I found this intimidating, because if I was dating someone, they would eventually see the more darker sides of my life, and it made me worry that I’m not the same as other people my age.

Anyway, I went off facebook for a bit, as I am trying to overcome my addiction to social media. During the breakdown etc. It was maybe 2 months ago that I messaged Toby on instagram, inquiring about his IG name. He replied and said that he’s been hoping to hear from me for a while because he’s followed my stuff for ages and agrees with my vibe. He asked me out for coffee over message. We flirted a tiny bit over message. We finally arranged a day. On the day, I was messaging him and he wasn’t saying anything about meeting up. I was really rude to him, as it triggered my emotional dysfunction. I was really really rude to him over message and gave him a speech about my self-worth. He was like “Woah” etc. I eventually apologised and explained my emotional dysfunction. He replied and said he understood, and said that he came across bad over messages as well. All was forgiven.

We eventually met up, and I took him to an exhibition about music in Bristol. I was nervous, and he was talking non-stop. Literally, non-stop. And I saw him as being super confident. Although he would constantly talk about his anxiety. We had open talks. I mentioned about nearly getting married in Chicago. He told me about his ex, and said it was really bad, that he had a psychosis breakdown, and just said that it was really bad.

We went for a couple drinks after that, and had a good time. At the end of the night he said he felt like his anxiety had reached it’s end, and that he was really happy with how the night had gone. When I got home, he messaged me again and said that he was happy that he’d met me because I’m a fantastic person.

Since that night, we were messaging over instagram. We were messaging about life in general, thoughts about stuff, feelings. General conversation. We were talking about Charlie Brooker and Black Mirror, and I said that I would marry Charlie Brooker for his mind.  Toby said he could see that, but that my mind was just as incredible and that I had a body he’d be a fool not to chase. He messaged me lots and lots and lots of compliments. I realised he was doing this when he was drunk. He opened up to me about his mental health as well, and I was giving him advice. When he was drunk, he said that he’d been slack on messaging because he was going through a hard time and he didn’t want me to see him as weak, because he wanted me to want him as much as he wants me.

We were supposed to meet one Sunday, but I had a feeling that I was putting more effort in to it than he was. I messaged him saying how I felt – how he says nice stuff when he’s drunk, and then hardly replies when he’s sober. He messaged back saying that he barely knows me and it’s too heavy. I then replied and stood my ground, and explained that it was his responsibility and that you don’t tell people who you don’t know that well that they “make you feel alive”. (He said this when he was drunk).

The argument again, through me out with emotional dysregulation. I stressed. I cried that Sunday, and then wasn’t able to go in to work on the Monday. On the Monday I messaged him and explained about my emotional dysregulation. He replied saying, he was “wary of this getting too close” and that “he told me about his ex” and that he wasn’t reliable right now, and not sure that would be good, given my condition. I gave him another speech about how I’m not his ex, and that it’s not fair to bring that in to our connection, and also that I can’t be the only person working to overcome insecurities and the past in order to continue with whatever it is we have.

That was on the Monday. We didn’t talk for a couple of days. Then on the Wednesday, last Wednesday, I was at work, and suddenly felt an extreme animal instinct to have sex. Extreme. I message him saying “shall we just get this over and done with, and just fuck”. He replied saying, are you ok? you were upset with me and now we’re here. I said that I didn’t know him very well, he could be anyone. I said that he did wrong by drunk messaging, and I was wrong for over-reacting, and we should just keep it simple – aka just a sexual thing.

I went home, got changed, and then went round his. When I met him he’d just come back from a night out. It was intense. I felt a very very strong urge to have sex with him. We sat and listened to music for a bit, and he was talking non-stop again. He admitted that he felt anxious. We were drinking as well. I started the sex, and at one point he said “I am trying to change by the way”, i said “what?” and he said “in response to your messages, when you said you can’t be the only one overcoming the past and insecurities for this”, i was like “ahhh, i can’t talk about this right now”.

He also said, that when he talks to me he sees the world differently. And we were just staring at each other for ages (haha). It was such good sex, such such good sex. The best I’ve had because I felt super comfortable, and it felt natural. At one point during sex I’m pretty sure that he said “I fucking love you” but really quietly, and I just ignored it.

In the morning, he was more distant. And he went to work, and I went back to mine.

We’ve messaged since, and both said that our sex was great, and that we both would do it again etc. I’ve been messaging him a bit on facebook messenger, but I think it’s bad for me. This is because when he doesn’t reply I worry about the whole thing, and worry that I’m not wanted etc etc. Worry that he’s only using me for sex. Worry that he does this to loads of girls etc etc etc.

I deleted the app from my phone again today.

Also, I had my period last week, and it finished. I woke up today in sheer agony. I was bleeding and it was so painful. I also had constipation. I was on the toilet for ages. It was too painful. I went outside and I was nearly sick as well. I phoned in sick to work. So I was off again. And it was also today that my old manager was going to meet with me and give me a written warning about my attendance…. I’ve been at home today, in bed thinking about all of this. I need to go to doctors tomorrow about my period pain and see if i can have anything to help with that. But also, sometimes it feels like I want to escape my life, so I don’t go to work.

I’m also worried I’m going to get too attached to the Toby thing and ruin the whole thing…. or use it as an escape from my life etc.

So yes, today I’ve just taken time out to try and make sense of everything that’s happening at the moment.

I would like to hear your thoughts on all this,

Cat