Dear nickita:

I would  be concerned  in your place, somewhat distressed. Not for the fantasies alone but for the fact that she called  or calls him after midnight to  discuss her relationship with her husband.

The “alternate paths” wondering on his part, that  is concerning to me, leading me to  think that it is a path that he  is already taking, while  in relationship with you,  somehow, as  in an emotional affair of sorts.

Time  for a conversation with him about a current such alternate path?

anita

There is a sharp difference between fantasizing about other women (many men do, even if they say they don’t….we usually say we don’t to save feelings) and getting calls from them at midnight. I would be worried. I would NOT, however, do something silly like give him an ultimatum (her or me, etc). Just tell him that it bothers you that he spends so much time speaking with her and the times that he does it at are concerning as well.

If I could tell about 99% of people on this board one thing, it would be TELL PEOPLE HOW YOU FEEL. You would be surprised how many problems are solved and started by doing and not doing that (respectively).

Hi Again,

I mean that I have been the person (married woman with children) that a guy friend had an inappropriate crush on.

If it’s just an ego thing with him, I wouldn’t say anything myself. Let the crush starve itself out. If you say anything, it becomes an Issue/Drama and could last longer by giving it more “reality”. The most I would do is say “I don’t like that” whenever he mentions her in that context, or if their communications and/or communication style gets inappropriate.

If he is truly in love with her I would say, “It’s not working”.

Only YOU know deep down which one it is. Trust your gut.

Inky

Dear nickita:

You wrote that your boyfriend is friends with this married woman and  with her husband. Well, what about having a video conference (I was never in one of those, but I heard of them): you and your boyfriend on one side and she and her husband  on the other (since they live a few states away), have a conversation, bring it to the open: your boyfriend’s erotic fantasies about this woman, her calling your boyfriend that one time, at least, late  at  night, your concerns, bring it all up in the open.

It is easy for your boyfriend to assure and reassure you that nothing happened etc., well let him assure you of that in the context  of a video chat with all parties  involved. More than assurance, it can be  an opportunity to examine and resolve issues, maybe over a few video conferences.

anita

Dear  nickita:

Maybe a conference video call between the four of you is a good idea minus the erotic fantasies.  After all  the  two of them are his friends and  you are his girlfriend, and you are “Confused and  conflicted”, so in that call bring up the late night call and  your concerns. Why not; why would your boyfriend refuse it (“nothing  ever  happened between them”, he told you)?

I will  be back to the computer  in about fifteen hours.

anita

Dear nickita:

You are welcome. I re-read your previous posts and start with it before I answer your recent questions best I can.

You wrote earlier: “my bf of 8 months wrote that he has erotic thoughts of his female friend from college… she was comfortable calling him past midnight because she was having some issues with her husband. He took all the time then to reassure me that nothing was there or happened but now I am wondering if something did?...he wonders what the alternate path would’ve been with her… He keeps saying nothing happened… he says they talk maybe once a month and she’s usu the one to call”-

regarding the question I italicized: did something happen? Yes, something happened. If we take his word for it, then the two of them never had a physical sexual interaction, so that didn’t happen. But something did happen and still does: the  two of them communicate. He calls her sometimes and  she  calls him sometimes. He has the  hots for her and  she knows it. She has problems in her marriage and  he knows that. As they talk on the phone while he hears her voice, he feels sexually stimulated.

At the least, this is what did happen and is happening. And so, it is not true what he tells you, that nothing  happened and  nothing is happening.

Now he is  in his home state for Thanksgiving where she lives.  It is reasonable  to think that indeed they are and  will be in contact.

And now, your recent question: “Should I ask him if he’s meeting up with her during this visit? If so, how?- Or let  it be and  see  if he brings it up to  me?”

My answer:  no, don’t ask him. Instead, put a hold  on the relationship, pause it. During this pause starting today and continuing when he returns to your area, have no sexual interaction with him, sex should  not be part  of your contact with him. Because something did happen. The fact that you found out something is happening by snooping doesn’t change the fact that it is indeed happening.

I don’t think you want to be his second choice, the woman he is with because his first choice  is otherwise occupied. I understand a guy being  attracted to other women while in a relationship, but a guy should not be interacting with women he is attracted to while  in a relationship- see the difference?

Either he brings you into that relationship as  I suggested by a video conference (not anything you pressure him to  do but something you may want to suggest in a neutral kind  of way, leaving it up to him to pursue  or not) or you pause the relationship until he  ends all contact with her.

anita

Dear nickita:

You are welcome. “Chat directly” with me?  If so, no, I communicate with members only on this site.

By pausing the relationship I mean not to stop responding to him “out of the  blue” but to tell him that you don’t  want to be his second choice, that  it  is not  okay with you that he is interacting with a woman to whom he  is sexually attracted to, away from the  presence  of her husband on one hand and away from your presence  on the other. You can suggest that he  includes you and her husband in the communication, so it  is  open and free from any element of an emotional affair (one carrying sexual elements).

You asked: “would a  guy really hold  out for someone while dating seriously?”- from your own account, the answer is yes.

It is uncomfortable for you to stand up for what you believe, isn’t it? Afraid to lose him if you do that?

anita