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Dear Javier,
I am happy to hear from you. And I want to let you know that I am here, rooting for you.
The saddest part is that I need and want help, but my mind won’t let me.
As both Peter and Sarah said, our mind is often our enemy, telling us lies, distorting things, even giving us distorted images. It happened to me once, when I tried to meditate on Jesus, all I got was some distorted images coming from my subconscious or I don’t know where from. I was desperate.
What helped me was to call Jesus into my heart. I told him to please circumvent my mind, because my mind is polluted, and come into my heart. I begged him because I couldn’t bear living without love any more. I was desperate. And he did – I felt warmth descending into the upper part of my body, into my heart, and I felt loved. It changed my entire life. It gave me hope.
You may try something similar, Javier. Ask Jesus or Mother Mary to circumvent your mind and come to your heart, so you can feel their love.
(I need to confess upfront that largely due to length of this thread I will have forgotten previous details provided. I’ll let myself off the hook–ahem–by claiming this affords me a clean perspective on your reply to me.)
How old are you–you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to.
In your replies to my questions you have mostly described what most others want, search for, work toward. Most of us struggle to achieve any one of these things. And along the way, obstacles are thrown in our paths (not a bad thing), and some by our own creation. Anything that keeps us from being where we want, or think we should be, we see as an obstacle, and when the sum of those obstacles turn into one gigantic, overwhelming wound, we feel paralyzed. But we aren’t….
When we can identify our mistakes, admit the hurt we’ve caused others and the hurt others have caused us, when we can put a label on our emotions, and then be able to declare what we want, that’s huge. Huge. This is a bridge. I’ll say the following with love and from personal experience: In the absence of mental health issues, we cross that bridge by getting out of our own way.
You talk about bygones. Bygones can’t be bygones when our mind lives in the past. To get the life you describe, even parts of it, you have to think forward to move forward. There are practices that can act as a tool–not a be-all-end-all solution–to shift our thoughts and perspective. For instance, when you have a strong moment of self-hate, STOP, and remember something kind or compassionate or loving you did, or remember something you overcame. You’re working toward something here. Self-love. You can’t change the past, obviously, but what if you changed a moment? Then another. And another. And what if you purposely did something that helped someone else, some little thing? I am an ardent believer of two things: 1) We best help ourselves when we help others; 2) We have to step outside ourselves. Well, three things: 3) Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting out of our own way.
How long ago did your ex-GF die, and how do you think your grieving process went?
Why do you think you need forgiveness from your unborn child? Right here might be an example of creating a problem that doesn’t exist. You don’t have the opportunity (!) to make a positive impact?
You say you want a carefree life. That doesn’t exist. Set reasonable expectations or, of course, there’ll be disappointment…which will deepen what you are feeling.
Set small goals that don’t require too much of you. Remember we all have to take baby steps when things just get too damn heavy. Maybe it’s nothing more than forcing yourself to go the grocery store b/c you’ve been putting it off, and then maybe you just smile at someone and get one back, or seize an opportunity to lightly/jokingly engage in a conversation with a shopper who’s complaining about the price of milk. Do anything but don’t do nothing.
Inner peace, as you say, begins with you. There are ways to facilitate that, but it doesn’t happen overnight. WHAT SPEAKS TO YOUR SOUL? This, I believe, you need to first answer. Let’s say nature stirs something deep within you. I’d start there. Whenever the past or negative feelings come up, STOP, shift the paradigm…and be present with the very thing that speaks to you—-that’s right in front of you.
When we feel empty…initially, it’s a void…but a time comes when it’s a chance to re-fill ourselves. The reasonable things you want now have a space inside to get seeded, nurtured, and grow. I’ve never been able to overcome emptiness without putting one foot in front of the other, even if I don’t want to, even if I don’t know where that step is taking me. But eventually, inevitably, it gets me somewhere. Inertia…it exemplifies our sadness, anxiety, self-hate, whatever is holding us down, back. (Again, minus mental health issues.)
You say you are scared of change. I know you understand that what you want can’t happen without it–something has to happen even if you do nothing, so be active in the narrative–it’s your life, don’t be passive. This moment of your life has produced an awareness in you, and that itself was change. Kudos to you. You may not like how it came about but it did, and that’s a good thing. Facing our fears gives us freedom. It’s an incredible feeling. It also helps soothe that savage self-hate beast. That beast doesn’t want us to be active in our own life; it likes being the boss. We have to show the beast that we are in charge now. The beast will fight–it’s liked its life and has lived in your cavern a long time. Taking an active role in your own life takes power from the beast. You know the path you no longer want…so start walking. The hurt you’ve given others, that person wouldn’t do those things now, correct? Baby-step forward with that new self-awareness. (I can’t tell you how important I think it is when we realize our mistakes. It opens up so much for us, and those around us.)
Those still in your life that you’ve hurt, have you been able to show them how sorry you are for past behaviors?
Forgiving ourselves isn’t easy but not impossible. It’s a process. It requires work, just like anything we want or need to change in ourselves. You have this incredible opportunity right now. You see it from your perspective, of course. You don’t see this as a time of transition————-and often we have to sit it out for a while in this state of limbo in order to fully grasp where we presently find ourselves and what put us there.
I like the word STOP. It’s done me well in the past, and even now. STOP and give yourself a moment to shift the paradigm, break the pattern, discipline the beast, and take back your power. It takes practice, like most things. Taking things moment by moment can build momentum.
Question: What’s your list of things you are presently grateful for?
About four years ago I had another set of life-altering events. I can’t say that I didn’t have some support along the way, but it’s not an exaggeration to say that I mostly went it alone. My choice. I’ve no doubt that my past–especially the bad or unpleasant parts–played a huge role in how I was able to do that. I took an active role in my own life. My steps weren’t certain, by no means. I didn’t know how I’d end up. But I knew I wanted to end up on the other side of the bridge in a good place. I worked for it. I’ll share what an old friend said to me about one of the approaches I took: “You’re running headlong into things people run away from.” All the parts of my past, especially the suffering, made that possible.
You know the saying you can’t know/feel/appreciate joy without knowing sorrow? I’d like to know what you think about that.
I must close here for now….
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 