Dear Javier,

you are welcome.

As I’m empty and completely “dead” inside, it would surely be a lost cause. I feel adrift with no direction, no path in life. But, I’m still trying to find my purpose and begin living a meaningful life.

How about making it your purpose and goal, at least for now, to get on the path of healing, and start feeling more and more alive and full inside, as opposed to dead and empty? To meet your core unmet needs, so that your heart can feel full and you feel motivated and inspired and eager to live and love? How do you feel about such a goal?

Dear Javier,

I really want to be “healed”. But, my mind is fighting me every day.

I understand. There is a part of you that wants to be healed, and the other that wants to give up because it all seems too much. Too much pain, too much disappointment, too much “deadness” and emptiness. But if you persist and e.g. simply show up for your therapy appointments, it’s already something. You’re strengthening the part who is willing to live and love again…

I don’t know my needs or core life values, everything just seems non-existent.

Your needs are like each of our needs: to be loved, appreciated, seen, validated… Those are also your inner child’s needs. You can have those met in therapy, little by little. Eventually you’ll be able to give love and validation to your inner child. You’ll become a good parent to your inner child. And when you start feeling loved, you won’t feel empty and dead any more, you’ll feel motivated, new doors will open for you. Trust me, I too felt empty inside, and learning to love and appreciate myself was a turning point in my life.

I’m afraid of sleeping

What are you afraid will happen when you sleep?

Dear Javier,

In the mornings, I have thousands of negative thoughts attacking me every morning. Every morning I get reminded of everything(My past, my regrets, my disappointments, my broken relationships..etc).

I see. It’s like you get “reset” over night, and so the positive, hopeful part of you fades into the background, while the negative, hopeless part takes lead and starts broadcasting its usual “program”.

I think it would be useful if you acknowledged those two parts, perhaps even see them as two different radio stations. One broadcasts the usual litany of regrets and self-blame, telling you about all the tragedies and bad things that happened, and how things are hopeless. The other station, which has a much weaker signal, broadcasts positive, affirming things, pleasant music, and lots of inspiration. When you tune into that, you feel some hope.

Every morning, you wake up with the negative radio station turned on max. So perhaps you can make a conscious choice to switch to the other station, because the former is just making you depressed. You want to listen to something more uplifting. Perhaps this would help you to get out of the morning anxiety quicker?

I don’t know how to “switch” to the positive channel.

What do you do to switch during the day? You said journaling and reading isn’t an option for you in the morning… so what is?

Dear Javier,

Most of the time, I put the TV sound on the highest level, just to override my thoughts. It sounds silly, but I have the TV on 24/7 and I have to have sound and lights on all the time.

It’s not silly, it’s a way to create some sense of safety, since you never had it as a child. TV keeps you company, and it’s safe, so it makes you feel better, I guess (unless you watch too many news – which is always disturbing).

You said you like listening to inspirational podcasts. Is that something you could do in the morning? For example, put on a morning meditation or something, to immediately counter the negative inner voice?

Hi Javier,

Just checking in.

So I’m seeing you are struggling. So let me express what I’ve gone through and how I’ve gotten through it.

I struggled with severe mental illness as bipolar for many years, worsening when I was 25 in 2015. I was hospitalized twice (once the first time and secondly after a relapse years later).

I’m finally on the right meds. It’s a true miracle.

But for a while, I started waking up each morning cringing in shock at all I had been through. My therapist called this PTSD.

I had to let the shock of it subside overtime. I couldn’t get rid of it right away.

I had to not react to my mind. My inner critic was lying to me as it is lying to you. I had to just let it happen and not judge my process of healing.

You are feeling so many negative things. I understand that. I was just there myself! I was waking up cringing and feeling depressed each morning.

But it got better.

It gets better.

You’re going through the worst of it right now. It will get  better. So don’t react to your mind right now. It’s freaking out. It’s  PTSD. It’s trauma. It’s catastrophizing.

Mindfulness is a great tactic to overcoming this stuff. But it’s also human to be afraid. You don’t have to fix yourself overtime.  Have self-compassion.

You’re not alone, and things are never hopeless. You hit rock bottom with your recent suicide attempt. You’ve been given a second chance at life.

We are here for you, but it’s up to you if you’ll let the light in.

It’s up to you to find what makes you smile or laugh.

It’s up to you to take deep breaths while going through panic attacks.

It’s up to you to listen to your inner voice not your inner critic.

It’s up to you to take this advice and follow any resources given.

It’s up to you have faith.

That’s what it comes down to.

Faith in yourself and whatever you believe in.

You have a purpose. Your purpose might show itself through your pain.

I was grieving someone and I turned my grief into a story line of my young adult fiction novel that I’m writing. I also turned it into an article that I’m still writing. In my sadness, lines just came to me that captured my emotions and gave me wisdom and meaning.

Your intuition tells you a lot. I think you are doing better than you think.

Stop reacting to your thoughts. Just observe them. Let them pass. You need to separate yourself from your mind with mindfulness. Nothing you do will work until you do.

Sarah

Javier,

I do not have an answer to that. You will need a therapist and dr to help you make that decision.

When I meditated the other day, it didn’t make my depression go away right away. But then I thought of things I could control. I still recommend the other exercises I gave you, but try this one if those don’t speak to you. Write a list of what you can’t control vs. can control right now.

Let me know what you find!

Look up mindfulness practices. You will need mindful thinking to get through this.

Sarah

Javier,

You are doing better than you think. You know the flaws of your therapists, you’re able to recognize and identify your feelings, you know to come to this forum and you know not to attempt again (i hope). So see that. That is hopeful. That is good.

Answers don’t come easy. They take some self discovery. Your therapist is a tool to get there but it’s up to you to do the work.

I recently have had “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me on repeat. I implore you to listen to their music. It helps ground me and helps me cope.

When you meditate, there’s something called “centering prayer.” You invite God into that space with you. A lot of Buddhists simply meditate and sit with silence for enlightenment. Which works to an extent. But an extra step is to commune with God when this happens. See what He wants to say to you.

I know this site is Buddhist-ish but I’m a mix of Christian and that. I actually have had the same struggles with you of despair. I recently had a side effect to a med that I thought would ruin my life. Instead, I found a solution to it, and I’m better now. But in the moment, I thought it was the end. I catastrophized (much like you are doing) that this meant I had to change meds which would be a bad situation which would lead me to end it. I really thought about ending it. Then things turned around unexpectedly. I’m so happy that I get to share this experience with you and that I lived. I am here because of God’s guidance to hold on.

What you’re missing is that connection. You are waiting on others (including this forum) to tell you what to think and feel, to give yourself permission to love yourself. Well we don’t have all the answers.

What would you tell someone else going through your situation? Turn towards self-compassion.

You WILL live. It’s just hard right now. And it’s okay to acknowledge that it’s hard. I’m not going anywhere. Keep venting, keep finding the beauty of life through the brokenness. Life might surprise as it did me recently.

Sarah