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End of Long-Term Relationship

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  • #56944
    CityGirl
    Participant

    Hi all, I’m fairly new to this site, but I’ve been reading articles here for the past few weeks as they’ve been helping me through a difficult time.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 10 years.

    After we had been together for an incredibly happy year, he suddenly became distant and thought he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Because our relationship was so special, instead of breaking up I asked him to think things over and we would just ‘take a break’, he suggested 2 weeks. He didn’t even take the full time he’d asked for before he contacted me, told me how much he loved and missed me. We got back together and I chalked it up to a bit of a panic at being in such an intense relationship in our 20s.

    Over the years he took little ‘dips’ where he thought he was unhappy and got a bit down. Outwith these periods our relationship was brilliant. So connected, in tune, same interests and just very much in love. I grew to feel more and more insecure however because of these episodes and eventually told him that it was very hurtful when he did this as it made me feel like I was the cause of his unhappiness. He said it was never about me. A few years ago we bought our own place and eventually got engaged (but we weren’t in a rush to get married).

    8 years in to the relationship and not long after he was promoted at work and feeling a little more stressed, he started going out drinking with his work colleagues more frequently and became a bit distant. This went on for a few months before I could tell something bad was coming (although we were getting on well the majority of the time and even got around to planning some wedding plans). It came to a head after he had been distant and he said he didn’t know if he was happy. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn’t know. I gave him the weekend to get his head together and think about things but he told me that he did want to split up this time. I was devastated and moved out.

    He obviously wasn’t confident in his decision, and he descended in to what was depression (although we didn’t realise the seriousness at the time). He could no longer sleep, ended up taking a few weeks off work and his doctor gave him sleeping tablets – he was a real mess and I was really worried about him. I ended up still seeing him every couple of weekends, we were behaving like a couple – it was a very confusing time. He said he didn’t know what made him happy and didn’t want to keep me hanging about while he worked out what it was, even though he knew it could be a huge mistake to break up. We ended up arguing after 3 months apart about the financial arrangements for our home (and we never ever argue) and I realised we were over at that point – I was distraught again. I told him I only wanted to speak to him when necessary and would no longer be visiting, or in touch with him. A few days passed and he called me to tell me he’d made the biggest mistake of his life, he still loved me and could we be together again. I was still in love with him so was over the moon.

    We ended up ‘dating’ for a few weeks but hated being away from each other for any length of time so I ended up moving back home. For a few months everything was good then he seemed to go in to a depressive episode again. He just changed fairly quickly and started saying things like how he was ‘in a black hole’, hated himself, wanted to shut himself away from everyone including me and just wanted to go out drinking. He became a different person. Even at that point I didn’t fully understand that depression was a continuing problem. I lived with bad anxiety for over a month wondering if we would split up again. We somehow got through it and he eventually returned to being the loving person I usually know. A few more months passed and then it happened again but was more severe. He started going out drinking with his colleagues again and just descended so quickly – the reason I finally realised that it was proper depression and a continuing issue was that he used the same language – ‘in a black hole’, wanted everyone to leave him alone etc. I looked everything up online and he ticked all the boxes. He completely withdrew and wouldn’t discuss visiting his doctor. I did everything I could to get him through it, went out walking with him, spent time with him but also left him in his own space, talked to him, let him know I was there for him. He eventually came to me 3 weeks later to tell me he really wasn’t well. He wasn’t ready to go to the doctor at that point. He dipped again though and life was awful. He went out drinking one night and didn’t come home until the next day. He said later he knew I would be worried but just didn’t care. He was getting worse, at points curled up in a ball on the floor repeating the word ‘no’, feeling sick all the time. He eventually agreed to go to a doctor’s appointment that I made for him. The doctor put him on antidepressants straight away.

    We got on with things for a few more weeks and he seemed to become more stable but he went out drinking again and didn’t tell me he was going out – I was beside myself with worry for hours until he came home. I told him I wasn’t putting up with this any more so we split up and I was devastated – he barely reacted but had a panic attack 2 days later. A few nights later he said he would fight for me – I told him he’d need to give up drinking and start seeing a therapist. He agreed but since then has went out drinking again. He’s told me he feels no emotions any more, no joy or sadness and feels like he is ‘going through the motions’ in life. He says he loves me but not as much as he used to. He says he’s very confused about everything. Yet he’s still affectionate – we still live together for the moment and he never leaves me alone for long, he often likes to lie beside me, or just sit in the same room as me or he wants cuddles.

    It could be as simple as that he doesn’t love me anymore but won’t admit it, it could be the depression, or the antidepressants or a whole combination. I’ve fought so hard for this and can’t anymore. But it terrifies me to think that this isn’t the real him right now and if he comes through all of this (especially if he starts therapy) then he’ll be the same person I’ve known for so many years but it’ll be too late.

    I am so sorry for such a long post, but this has been consuming me for 3 months now and I would appreciate any thoughts or advice! 🙂

    #57099
    Lavinia Lumezanu
    Participant

    Debs, my heart goes out to you for what you are going through. It’s clear that you and your boyfriend have a great connection underneath all the depression he’s going through. I think it’s very hard to make a clear cut decision in this situation. If he was physically ill, you wouldn’t walk away, you’d care for him until he got better. But because his “illness” is at a psychological level, sometimes we’re left not really knowing what to do and how to deal with this. The way I see it, you have two options:

    1. Decide that this is not for you anymore, walk away, eventually find someone else to be happy with. – Somehow I don’t think this is what you’re leading towards as you clearly love him, you want him to be better, and you want a happy, healthy relationship with him.

    2. Help him “see the light.” When someone is depressed, it’s not that they’re unhappy, it’s more that they’re “nothing”. They lack the desire to do anything, they have no energy, no joy. Andrew Solomon says that “the opposite of depression is not happiness, it’s vitality.” Something is happening inside him that has made him lose that vitality and he needs support, even if he can’t see that now. I think what is important to remember when you go on this path of supporting him and being by his side is not to lose yourself. You’re not his caretaker, you’re not a therapist, you are his partner. All he needs from you, that is actually productive for him, is love. Recovery is for people who want it, not for people who need it. Talk to him, try to find ways to convince him to get help, to take the medication (if he needs that), but always remember what your role is. The last thing you want to do is give up your life to care for him and end up joining him in that depression. Get the advice of a professional. If it’s beneficial to go to therapy with him, then consider doing that.

    I hope this helps in some type of way. I have to say I’ve met depressed people, I’ve worked with them, and their needs, what gets them on the other side is different for each of them. It’s hard to say what will work for your boyfriend, but you have to decide which side you’re on and most importantly what is your breaking point, how long are you willing to go down this road with him? What would you want him to do if the situation was reversed? If you ever need to talk to an impartial person, I’m happy to listen. Shoot me an email http://www.justlav.com.

    #57222
    CityGirl
    Participant

    Lavinia, thank you so much for your kind words – it really does help!

    I think I would hang on for a very long time and put up with a lot, but he’s continually pushing me away because he knows he’s hurting me too. He’s a very messed up person with a lot of issues, and I’ve encouraged him to seek therapy too, I even suggested couple’s counselling back when I thought our relationship could be saved. I think he has a problem with alcohol and uses it as a coping mechanism/self medication. Until he addresses these issues and takes proper steps to address them (I think he’s still in denial about alcohol) there’s not much more I can do. Possibly he may do better once the pressure of the relationship has been taken away from him as he constantly says he doesn’t know what he wants or what makes him happy. I worry that the medication has helped to ease the depression but is ‘dampening’ down his thoughts and feelings as he says he can’t process any emotions right now.

    I only hope he gets the help that he needs as I want him to be happy – with or without me.

    Thank you again for your response, I truly appreciate it!

    #57236
    Lavinia Lumezanu
    Participant

    Just remember what they tell you every time you get on a plane. “Put your oxygen mask on, before helping other people”. It may sound selfish, but at the end of the day, you can’t help anyone else, unless you help yourself first. Take care of yourself, take a moment to think about what you need and what you want, and focus primarily on yourself. Once you’re clear about that, you can openly help other people. Just put your oxygen mask on, first.

    I hope you both find peace and happiness!

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