Debs, my heart goes out to you for what you are going through. It’s clear that you and your boyfriend have a great connection underneath all the depression he’s going through. I think it’s very hard to make a clear cut decision in this situation. If he was physically ill, you wouldn’t walk away, you’d care for him until he got better. But because his “illness” is at a psychological level, sometimes we’re left not really knowing what to do and how to deal with this. The way I see it, you have two options:

1. Decide that this is not for you anymore, walk away, eventually find someone else to be happy with. – Somehow I don’t think this is what you’re leading towards as you clearly love him, you want him to be better, and you want a happy, healthy relationship with him.

2. Help him “see the light.” When someone is depressed, it’s not that they’re unhappy, it’s more that they’re “nothing”. They lack the desire to do anything, they have no energy, no joy. Andrew Solomon says that “the opposite of depression is not happiness, it’s vitality.” Something is happening inside him that has made him lose that vitality and he needs support, even if he can’t see that now. I think what is important to remember when you go on this path of supporting him and being by his side is not to lose yourself. You’re not his caretaker, you’re not a therapist, you are his partner. All he needs from you, that is actually productive for him, is love. Recovery is for people who want it, not for people who need it. Talk to him, try to find ways to convince him to get help, to take the medication (if he needs that), but always remember what your role is. The last thing you want to do is give up your life to care for him and end up joining him in that depression. Get the advice of a professional. If it’s beneficial to go to therapy with him, then consider doing that.

I hope this helps in some type of way. I have to say I’ve met depressed people, I’ve worked with them, and their needs, what gets them on the other side is different for each of them. It’s hard to say what will work for your boyfriend, but you have to decide which side you’re on and most importantly what is your breaking point, how long are you willing to go down this road with him? What would you want him to do if the situation was reversed? If you ever need to talk to an impartial person, I’m happy to listen. Shoot me an email http://www.justlav.com.

Just remember what they tell you every time you get on a plane. “Put your oxygen mask on, before helping other people”. It may sound selfish, but at the end of the day, you can’t help anyone else, unless you help yourself first. Take care of yourself, take a moment to think about what you need and what you want, and focus primarily on yourself. Once you’re clear about that, you can openly help other people. Just put your oxygen mask on, first.

I hope you both find peace and happiness!