Hi all, I’m fairly new to this site, but I’ve been reading articles here for the past few weeks as they’ve been helping me through a difficult time.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 10 years.

After we had been together for an incredibly happy year, he suddenly became distant and thought he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Because our relationship was so special, instead of breaking up I asked him to think things over and we would just ‘take a break’, he suggested 2 weeks. He didn’t even take the full time he’d asked for before he contacted me, told me how much he loved and missed me. We got back together and I chalked it up to a bit of a panic at being in such an intense relationship in our 20s.

Over the years he took little ‘dips’ where he thought he was unhappy and got a bit down. Outwith these periods our relationship was brilliant. So connected, in tune, same interests and just very much in love. I grew to feel more and more insecure however because of these episodes and eventually told him that it was very hurtful when he did this as it made me feel like I was the cause of his unhappiness. He said it was never about me. A few years ago we bought our own place and eventually got engaged (but we weren’t in a rush to get married).

8 years in to the relationship and not long after he was promoted at work and feeling a little more stressed, he started going out drinking with his work colleagues more frequently and became a bit distant. This went on for a few months before I could tell something bad was coming (although we were getting on well the majority of the time and even got around to planning some wedding plans). It came to a head after he had been distant and he said he didn’t know if he was happy. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn’t know. I gave him the weekend to get his head together and think about things but he told me that he did want to split up this time. I was devastated and moved out.

He obviously wasn’t confident in his decision, and he descended in to what was depression (although we didn’t realise the seriousness at the time). He could no longer sleep, ended up taking a few weeks off work and his doctor gave him sleeping tablets – he was a real mess and I was really worried about him. I ended up still seeing him every couple of weekends, we were behaving like a couple – it was a very confusing time. He said he didn’t know what made him happy and didn’t want to keep me hanging about while he worked out what it was, even though he knew it could be a huge mistake to break up. We ended up arguing after 3 months apart about the financial arrangements for our home (and we never ever argue) and I realised we were over at that point – I was distraught again. I told him I only wanted to speak to him when necessary and would no longer be visiting, or in touch with him. A few days passed and he called me to tell me he’d made the biggest mistake of his life, he still loved me and could we be together again. I was still in love with him so was over the moon.

We ended up ‘dating’ for a few weeks but hated being away from each other for any length of time so I ended up moving back home. For a few months everything was good then he seemed to go in to a depressive episode again. He just changed fairly quickly and started saying things like how he was ‘in a black hole’, hated himself, wanted to shut himself away from everyone including me and just wanted to go out drinking. He became a different person. Even at that point I didn’t fully understand that depression was a continuing problem. I lived with bad anxiety for over a month wondering if we would split up again. We somehow got through it and he eventually returned to being the loving person I usually know. A few more months passed and then it happened again but was more severe. He started going out drinking with his colleagues again and just descended so quickly – the reason I finally realised that it was proper depression and a continuing issue was that he used the same language – ‘in a black hole’, wanted everyone to leave him alone etc. I looked everything up online and he ticked all the boxes. He completely withdrew and wouldn’t discuss visiting his doctor. I did everything I could to get him through it, went out walking with him, spent time with him but also left him in his own space, talked to him, let him know I was there for him. He eventually came to me 3 weeks later to tell me he really wasn’t well. He wasn’t ready to go to the doctor at that point. He dipped again though and life was awful. He went out drinking one night and didn’t come home until the next day. He said later he knew I would be worried but just didn’t care. He was getting worse, at points curled up in a ball on the floor repeating the word ‘no’, feeling sick all the time. He eventually agreed to go to a doctor’s appointment that I made for him. The doctor put him on antidepressants straight away.

We got on with things for a few more weeks and he seemed to become more stable but he went out drinking again and didn’t tell me he was going out – I was beside myself with worry for hours until he came home. I told him I wasn’t putting up with this any more so we split up and I was devastated – he barely reacted but had a panic attack 2 days later. A few nights later he said he would fight for me – I told him he’d need to give up drinking and start seeing a therapist. He agreed but since then has went out drinking again. He’s told me he feels no emotions any more, no joy or sadness and feels like he is ‘going through the motions’ in life. He says he loves me but not as much as he used to. He says he’s very confused about everything. Yet he’s still affectionate – we still live together for the moment and he never leaves me alone for long, he often likes to lie beside me, or just sit in the same room as me or he wants cuddles.

It could be as simple as that he doesn’t love me anymore but won’t admit it, it could be the depression, or the antidepressants or a whole combination. I’ve fought so hard for this and can’t anymore. But it terrifies me to think that this isn’t the real him right now and if he comes through all of this (especially if he starts therapy) then he’ll be the same person I’ve known for so many years but it’ll be too late.

I am so sorry for such a long post, but this has been consuming me for 3 months now and I would appreciate any thoughts or advice! 🙂