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Emotionally on the fence

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  • November 7, 2015 at 1:18 am #86913
    jock
    Participant

    Well, I think like most people reading this, I would like to know the secret. because then I can better understand your angst and therefore give better advice.

    November 7, 2015 at 4:47 am #86915
    Inky
    Participant

    It sounds like abuse or an affair.

    What I would do (let’s say it’s a creepy uncle who made a pass at you or is cheating on his wife):

    Say to him, “I know about/I’m still upset about (blank). CUT IT OUT or I will tell Aunt/my parents.”

    He has had a warning. You don’t upset anybody. He will probably stop. If not, you can truthfully say, “I didn’t want to upset the family, but this has to end. Don’t kill the messenger. I’m sorry he made his choice.”

    You get your power back. He gets scared straight.

    Is this close to the secret you’re talking about?

    November 7, 2015 at 9:43 am #86928
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laycee:

    The secret is very significant, so significant that it has been causing you much anxiety, depression and lack of motivation. Keeping the secret is taking a toll on you. You already tried to not tell it (hence it is a secret…), you tried your best to “let it go” and it didn’t work. Trying again and again to let go is going to not work for you again and again.

    This secret, the emotions tied to it, are not going to go away. They will keep exacting the price: anxiety, depression and lack of motivation. Until you do something you didn’t do so far, something different than what you have done.

    You are afraid of the guilt you will feel for upsetting the different people in your family. You feel anxious, depressed NOW, but you imagine feeling the guilt of telling the secret is going to add misery to you.

    The way I see it, there are only two ways to go for you IF you have your own well being as top priority. One way is to physically leave, move away from all your family and live away, your own life OR tell the secret, disrupt the people’s as-is life. These two options are the only things DIFFERENT that you can do, as far as I see.

    If so, and if you chose the second option, there are ways to minimize your guilt by going about it in the most considerate ways when dealing with the innocent parties to the issue. You can tell the truth and be gentle in the way you tell it. (I am practicing this very principle these very days, I am realizing now).

    What you resist will persist as it has. The motivation part of you will remain dormant because it is saying something like: what is the point of me wanting anything? here i want to tell my secret, I want my deep hurt/fear/ distress to be acknowledged, to be seen, and you are not attending to THIS motivation, the motivation to make me MATTER, so why want anything at all?

    Do you agree, disagree… thoughts?

    anita

    November 7, 2015 at 11:24 am #86935
    Laycee
    Participant

    Anita and all,

    Thank you for your responses. The big secret was my cousin raped me for a period of time when I was in 1st grade. In the end, my Dad ended up being told. This is what happened;

    Officials pull me out of school, question me about the incident because a ‘friend’ living with me said something at school. Problem is she lied, and brought it up at a bad time. The abuse was no longer going on, it had stopped a few years before, and I had buried the incidents in my head because I didn’t know enough about much of anything to work through it. I also lived with the person that did it for many years, off and on during my life. When I talked to the officials I was in 5th grade. I told them simple ‘No’ that situation wasn’t happening, but I was clearly scared. I had anxiety and depression as a child, and I actually couldn’t control me being afraid or not so they at least should have noticed. They never asked again, or anything else. My friend was also lying, so I wouldn’t have agreed with what I was being told anyway.Anyway, the school and officials told my Dad, he was the only one that came to the school. He asked me ‘Why did no one tell me about this?’ I told him because I didn’t want to get in trouble. I never told because I truly was afraid of being in trouble. My Dad never said a word to me after that. No questions. But he knows, and if my Mom knew that she would lose it herself.

    So technically, my Dad and the person are keeping the secrets too. I guess I’m not really alone. I am still working on improving my life by working on myself, this has just been the only thing I can’t ‘fix’ by myself. (I don’t believe that people ae broken and need to be fixed, just an easy way to put it).

    November 7, 2015 at 12:35 pm #86939
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laycee:

    i have to run and would like to write more later, but for now, my thinking is: your father is good at keeping this a secret all these years, not even asking you questions or mentioning it to you or to anyone. This means if you confront him alone about what happened- about his silence to you on the matter, about his inexcusable, wrong behavior of ignoring what he should have attended to, giving you the empathy you needed, and giving the cousin the consequences he deserved-

    if you confront your father alone, it will not get to everyone else in the family, he WILL keep it to himself, just like he has all these years.

    This is incomplete thinking here, what do you think? This at least should be done, confronting him… and the cousin. Later:
    anita

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