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Emotionally Abusive parent dislikes my boyfriend

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  • August 6, 2015 at 9:31 am #81329
    Carly
    Participant

    Also, just to make it more clear, I can’t use logic with him. I can’t say, “This guy is great- he’s shown how much he cares since we’ve been together and I’m happy”. He will shut that down because he will see this as me rebelling. Even if I say that’s not true, he won’t believe me and he will begin victimizing himself. It’s miserable. No matter how much I call him out, his reaction won’t change. He will probably just end up angrier.

    August 6, 2015 at 9:34 am #81330
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear carly:

    You wrote: “My dad and I’s relationship has slowly been getting better over the years.” Can you explain how it got better- what did you do differentlly in your relationship with your father? how did you change? How did he change.. and WHAT is better?

    anita

    August 6, 2015 at 9:42 am #81331
    Carly
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Thank you for your question. Over the past year or so, he’s become less confrontational. I think he’s slowly beginning to see how his lashing out pushes his family away. He still loses it over things that most parents wouldn’t bat an eye at (or even be proud of/happy about), but it’s less often, which has made me less scared of him. Therefore, I do talk to him a bit more. His lashing out scares me a bit less too. I realize that 99% of the time, his anger isn’t my fault. That doesn’t stop his yelling from throwing me into a panic attack, though (I’ve told him this while he was yelling at me before, and he essentially told me that he’s glad I’m suffering, because I make him suffer “all the time”).

    I’m sorry if that was a bit long, but I hope that answers your questions!

    August 6, 2015 at 11:41 am #81344
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Carly:

    His lashing out scares you a bit less, you wrote in your answer and you don’t take blame for his anger but you are still experience panic attacks as you termed it when he gets angry and he still blames you for his anger. What about him buying you a car, I wonder: is that a cause for you living with your father? How old are you, i wonder. It seems to me best, if you are old enough and able, to move out. Panic attacks can’t be good for you. So I don’t see the main problem being your father disliking your boyfriend. I see the main problem as your father scaring you still.

    anita

    August 6, 2015 at 5:30 pm #81375
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi There!

    I would use his/your car to drive away! He can’t successfully berate you (in quantity, anyway) if you live far away from him! Visit him a few times a year. When he acts up over the phone, say, “I don’t want to hear it,” and hang up. And the only time he should see your boyfriend is at the wedding one day. Or just sidestep the drama and elope!

    Your father, YIKES!

    Inky

    August 6, 2015 at 7:23 pm #81377
    Jason
    Participant

    I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I would highly suggest that you sit down one on one with your father and try to work things out with him, possibly even go to counseling together. That is the first step. If he is not willing though, and he might not be, say something to the likes of I want to repair our relationship can you work with me on that. If you try this and he is still that way, there is just a point where you have to accept it and let it go and not take it personally. I know it is hard but this is your life, nobody else’s. You need to do what is best for you and take care of yourself.

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