Needless to say our on again, off again history gives me hope that one day she will let me back into her life

Having been were you are I can’t help but wonder if at some level we invite the experience of being abused. Is that karma… as in our actions create results and we ought not be surprised when they do.

Zen Buddhism suggests that suffering arises when we want things to be other than how they are and that where there is hope, there is fear and where there is fear there is hope. Two sides of the same coin where the two can’t be separated from each other. Non duality has us imagine that by naming a pair of opposites a coin we have solved the problem of duality… only we can’t help ourselves from picking the coin up, flipping it into the air and calling heads OR tails and so we suffer. We hope to escape fear and wonder why fear keeps chasing us.

The Way suggests that freedom from fear is to become hopeless, which goes against almost every thing we have been taught. You got to have hope… right? OR maybe, what if, Liberated from hope and fear, we are free to discover clarity and energy in the present moment.

If we think about it our notion of hope almost always involves looking backwards to some unwanted past we wish to change or to some imagined future where where we can get Life to work out as we would have it be (read ego/control). Keeping us stuck flipping  coins, this time for sure, in only, maybe, what if, should of, could of.. so we suffer.

What would your contact with your friend look like without the baggage of the hope/fear coin?

In Zen the notion of hopelessness is not the same notion as despair.  That’s something we have been taught to believe, something I’ve bought into, only now I’m not so sure. Giving up the hope/fear coin is about learning to sit in, leaning into impermanence, groundlessness and uncertainty, which is actually the reality of everyone moment. Without the coin, being in that moment as is,  eyes open.

Without mistaking the notion of ‘hopelessness’ with not having intentions or goals,  Imagine yourself not feeling as if you must hope something… what a wonderful freeing feeling!

Imagine not living in this limbo of hope/fear and being honest with your friend. The history suggests your not going to be happy with the answer but at least you will know one why or the other. If you decide that that is not a risk your willing to take, fearing that you might lose what you have, then enjoy what you have as it is without the need for the hope/fear coin. You suffer either way however at least it would be a honest suffering.

Reading over the last I suspect I have been advising myself with regards to my own situation.. a exercise which I find oddly cathartic…. If I come off harsh I apologize.

Hi John,

I can’t rule out the possibility that this could be the start of another “on again” phase. … Even if it happened, I know it would go nowhere as I have never been able to deal with the other side of my life.

You want her to return to being your lover, although you know you won’t be able to leave your wife. I understand that you feel miserable and lonely without her. However, please have understanding for her too. Think of her needs – because she told you clearly that it’s not good for her to be in the role of your lover and wait for you to decide for years on end.

She had a very hard time freeing herself from this unhealthy situation, and she finally succeeded 4 years ago. She now realizes that meeting you won’t do her any good (she thinks it will be a bad idea for both of us), but unfortunately, she is too weak to resist.

I don’t think it’s fair to drag her into this again, specially since you know you won’t be able to leave your wife. Just try to look at it from her perspective, and how painful it is for her.

Hi John,

She is getting on with life and living life to the full and seems to be in a happy place.

But does she have a partner or she is single?

I must not cause more distress with promises I can’t deliver.

I agree, it wouldn’t be fair to meet her and try to restart the romance, when you know how it will end…

When I am calm and rational and we are in a good place, the promises seem to be the easiest thing to deliver but the calm rational thinking gets completely destroyed by my irrational, subconscious, side which I can’t control.

Yes, and because you know of this mechanism, I think you should have as much integrity as to not want to initiate it again. Even if you believe your subconscious is stronger than you and prevents you from leaving your wife, that’s one thing. That’s your life. But if you drag her into it, that’s already two lives affected.

I know that it’s her who is ultimately responsible for herself and her actions, however, it would be easier if you wouldn’t tempt her. And you could probably stop yourself from doing it, in spite of the “siren call” of your subconscious mind.

Hi John,

even though the meeting didn’t go the way you hoped for, I must say I am glad that she was strong enough. That this time “no” means “no”.

Any sort of friendship seems not to be possible, which makes me wonder why we are still communicating regularly.

That’s strange indeed, specially since she knows your intentions. As for why she agreed to meet this time, it might be because she has a kind heart and saw that you were struggling:

I think she sensed I am struggling at the moment. I sense she agreed to meet out of pity as much as anything,

But also, it could be that this time she was confident that she is strong enough to say no.

In a few weeks time it will be 31 years since the first day we kissed. Clearly, I’m one of those creatures that pairs for life. Nature is full of them

I am sorry, John. The way I see it, you’ve paired with two women in your life: your wife and your mistress. And this can never lead to long-lasting happiness…

Hi John,

It seems very alien to me that this limited but frequent, and amicable contact is allowed but that’s as far as it goes. Especially since I am told that it is all in the past and is hardly given a second thought so why is there a need for the barrier?

It is strange that she is communicating with you on a regular basis. But it’s not strange that she is allowing only a limited contact, because everything beyond that (such as meeting on a regular basis) would carry the risk of turning into a romantic relationship, and she clearly doesn’t want that. She knows you want it, but she doesn’t. That’s why she is putting a barrier…

Lots of other friends and acquaintances seem not to get the same treatment as me.

Well, I guess because they don’t expect her to be romantically involved with them? You are in a different category because your intentions towards her are different…

I do wonder if I am just an annoyance that is tolerated, which is an idea that does not make me feel good about myself.

It’s possible that she feels a certain obligation towards you. I wonder if you are the one who primarily reaches out to her (and then she replies), or she also tends to initiate contact? I know she was the one to reach out first about 2 years ago, after 2 years of no contact, but how is it now? Does she initiate it or she just replies?