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Emotionally Abused Man

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  • October 3, 2016 at 6:21 am #116988
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Great posts, I am new to this site and from what I have read in response to broken man has been uplifting. So glad to have found this site.

    October 3, 2016 at 7:37 pm #117114
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Broken Man:

    The fact that you felt uncomfortable bringing up your problems to your parents, as a child and onward, is an indication that you were somehow made uncomfortable bringing your problems to them. And then you met HER. The Problem with a capital big, red, flashing P, Problem.

    Not comfortable bringing her up to your parents, or anyone. Trained to not reach out to counsel, resigned to handle problems on your own, you figured you will handle this one on your own as well.

    Which brings me to my suggestion early on in your thread: you need SOMEONE’s help, a person to help you.

    anita

    October 4, 2016 at 7:09 am #117142
    John
    Participant

    Anita – I agree with you that I need help which is one of the reasons I came to this website which I have found very helpful. In terms of help from someone, I have a great friend and she has been very understanding in many ways. She has the patience of a saint. Also, therapy was a little helpful but I didn’t find any great insight or answers but it was a useful way of unloading my problems onto someone who was sympathetic and trying to help.

    October 4, 2016 at 9:44 am #117159
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Broken Man:

    I would like it very much if I could be of any help to you in the context of this Forum. If more insight than you have now can be helpful, then I would like to suggest more insight. This is where I figure there is room for more:

    when you were a young 20 something year old, when you met Her, you wrote that you were happy, that you were not in distress or pain. And very shortly upon meeting Her, she displayed that alarming aggression toward you.

    If you were a happy young man, assertive, confident enough- how can it be that you didn’t turn away from her?

    A young man with adequate mental health would have turned away. Instead, you married her. It wasn’t that you were financially dependent on her; it wasn’t that she got pregnant and you felt obligated to marry her; it wasn’t that a third person pressured you to marry her.

    After her first aggression toward you, in the very beginning of associating with her, why didn’t you turn away?

    This is where there is room for further insight. I am thinking that when you met her you did not possess adequate mental health. I am thinking you already experienced aggression growing up, only hidden aggression, covert, subtle but powerful. And you experienced it at home. You removed that experience from your awareness best you could. When you met Her, you might have experienced a relatively happier time, but you were still affected by the covert aggression at home. When She yelled at you, she increased the volume, so to speak, of the covert, “quiet” aggression of your childhood and you became paralyzed.

    The volume of the childhood aggression against you was turned on when She screamed at you, and you became paralyzed, foggy, dissociated… the “perfect victim.”

    Thoughts?

    anita

    October 5, 2016 at 2:03 am #117232
    John
    Participant

    Anita – In all honesty I cannot recall covert or overt aggression at home in my childhood. My father was a gentle person who was liked by everyone and everyone tells me that I take after him and my mother wasn’t a particularly domineering person. I have a brother who is two years older and we got on well enough but we were and are very different people. The problematic situation developed when I met my wife and I’m sure it was very much in response to her aggression and manipulation and my inability to deal with. As mentioned at the beginning of the thread, she was a Jekyll and Hyde character with a mixture of nice and nasty, which I could not deal with in an appropriate way. Why didn’t I turn away from her is a good question and I think that there was lot of guilt on my part. She was an expert at playing the victim and reminding me of all the good things she had done for me and she could make me feel guilty about not behaving in the way she wanted me to. She was an expert at this and could put on really convincing performances of great emotional distress. I fell for it every time and it took me a very decades to realize that it was always a performance designed to manipulate me into submission to her strong will. I must emphasise that other people in my life, who I am close to, can not make me feel like this. It is very specific to my wife and this situation developed quickly into a very controlling relationship. Paralyzed? Most definitely. The perfect victim!

    October 5, 2016 at 9:15 am #117255
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Broken Man:

    I thought I read in your post that almost immediately, upon meeting Her, she displayed overt aggression against you, from the very beginning- and so, you were not “institutionalized” yet by her. Not having been institutionalized yet, why did you not turn away from her aggression? The turning away, running away from aggression, is a natural instinct. There has to be an explanation as why you haven’t run away from her AT THE BEGINNING of the relationship with her.

    You mentioned control before, regarding Her (I don’t want to write “wife” as She gives the word such a bad connotation), that she was and is all about control, doesn’t matter the issue, having her own way is her only focus.

    I suppose, since She controlled you for so long, she doesn’t need to exert the same energy to control you. You are already controlled. So all she has to do, as she has recently, is say something like;” I don’t want to start an argument” and you make sure you don’t. Before- she went all the way out with an argument, escalating it. Her complete dominance established and in practice for decades, not need to go all out.

    You mentioned your mother was slightly domineering, not particularly. Maybe she didn’t have to be, maybe your father and you were “behaving” just like she wanted you to behave. The institutionalizing phase, if that occurred, it occurred so long ago, your brain was too young to notice…?

    anita

    October 17, 2016 at 10:21 am #118355
    Adam P
    Participant

    And how are we doing today healed man?
    Or should I say JJC, correct? Whatever the username stands for, it’s good to see you did change it from a victim mentality to an improved state. Good to see things are coming along for you.
    Thank you and take care.
    -AP85

    October 17, 2016 at 12:03 pm #118362
    John
    Participant

    Adam P,

    Thanks for asking. Today I am OK and have been feeling better these last few weeks. Still don’t feel great but better. I am trying to resolve my bad situation in the coming days but whether I will or not is a very different matter. I have tried many times and my track-record is not very good due to the brainwashing or perhaps just weakness on my part. Either way, historically the outcome has been the same but as I am feeling a little better these days, I am hoping for a different outcome. With my lady friend, we have arranged to go on a weeks holiday to Vienna to make the break from my wife. It remains to be seen if I actually get on the ‘plane or go into emotional melt-down and fail yet again. Both options are distinctly possible.

    October 20, 2016 at 6:13 am #118536
    John
    Participant

    Dear All,

    Another day of emotional meltdown whilst trying to get away. Didn’t get on the plane today. Made it as far as the airport then froze. Whatever goes on inside me makes me both physically and mentally very unwell to the point I cannot operate as a normal and rational person. I feel very unwell with the complex PTSD symptoms and the only relief comes from not carrying out what needs to be done but the relief is very temporary until the overwhelming urge to leave rebuilds within me which is starting already. I am now torturing myself with ideas of buying another ticket and catching the flight tomorrow and I know that is what I will do and I know the outcome will probably be exactly the same. This is very irrational behaviour but I know if I don’t try then I can’t possibly succeed so I keep on trying over and over and over again and again. Very bizarre.

    October 20, 2016 at 8:37 am #118543
    Nan
    Participant

    JJC- When I am real scared about a situation or something, I ask myself “What is the worst that can happen?” I run it like a movie through my head.Then, I envision the worst, such as the screaming, drama, threats, possible physical abuse. I then anticipate how I will feel and how to react to it in a way that I could feel in control. After running the movie and the “what if’s” in my head, and how I should react to it in a controlled and adult manner, I feel like I can handle it. No surprises, as if that is the worst that could happen, and I handle it, anything else is easier. The unknown and “what if” becomes less unknown and I feel like I can handle it.
    My worst “what if” was “Would he threaten or hurt me? Would he kill himself over how I hurt him?” I ran it through my head, how to react to it, and realized that his reaction is his choice, Killing himself means he wont be around for his beloved son, and that he made that choice, We all have choices as our life unfolds. On another note, I would be the beneficiary of his life insurance and I am sure he wouldnt want that!

    Maybe if you can anticipate the what if, you can cope and feel less overwhelmed. I haven’t made my move yet, but with the movie played out, it feels like I can handle it, whatever comes up, when I have all my ducks in a row.
    (Your lady friend may lose patience, if you keep waffling, and then you have one less support to strengthen you….).

    October 20, 2016 at 9:04 am #118546
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JJC:

    Before the escape attempt you felt better (you wrote three days ago: “have been feeling better these last few weeks”), you got to the airport, anxiety skyrocketed, you froze and returned to your cage, felt relief and very soon, your need to escape started building again.

    Somehow you experienced danger away from the Danger (your wife) in your life and went back to the Danger for a sense of safety. You used the adjective “bizarre” as to what happened.

    I am thinking that the Danger-away-from-danger (at the airport and in the past, in the house you rented away from her) was about not being present to watch her, to calm her by being there, an object for her aggression to express itself and calm. It is like: if you are not there with her and she gets mad, who is going to calm her down? The sense of Safety with Danger (your wife) is in your sense of having control over her, of keeping her in control of herself.

    When at the airport (and before in the house you rented), her image in your brain was going out of control, being destructive, so you went back to be the buffer for her destruction, to calm her down. The bizarre is not really so bizarre as people often exist in our brains as images and we carry these people with us, that way, wherever we go.

    anita

    October 20, 2016 at 11:57 am #118566
    Adam P
    Participant

    JJC really needs to surround himself around other men who have survived this similar trauma and first hand experience is key for JJC. This really is a case of “birds of a feather flock together”. In order for JJC to want to become healed from this traumatic experience he puts himself in the company or environment of other successful men. Thus prolonged exposure to the environment will “rub off” on JJC. I am aware from earlier posts that JJC has attended support groups, but it seems as if JJC needs greater exposure to the “successful side” of the trauma. His lady friend has been of great support, but there is only so much she can do to help.
    It’s just as if someone wants to be musician or a chef, they will hang out with others in the recording studio or in the kitchen and work to build their talent. This is the same thing, only except applied towards emotions and feelings.
    Thank You an take care
    -AP85

    October 21, 2016 at 5:23 am #118600
    John
    Participant

    Thanks to all your recent inputs. Anita, you make a good point about her being in my head. She’s there all the time working away at my self confidence with her anger issues having a bad influence on me. I would also say she is in my subconscious as well with her bad influence ever present. Adam, Good idea about the support group. Nan, I am very lucky with my friend who I let down all the time. She has the patience of a saint and has been waiting for me to get myself together for 25 years. I have no idea what she sees in me or why she does not move on. When we discuss that side of things she reminds me of how good we are together and how special things are between us. It certainly feels that way when we are together. Like you, I try to calm myself with thoughts of what will actually happen when my wife gets mad at me I and I think, so what! How hard can it be and I know nothing much bad will happen but my reaction is completely out of proportion to the perceived threat. It’s a phobic response in the same way that other people can be deeply troubled by harmless things that put them in a state of utter terror when there is no real danger. What next I wonder. My history tells me I will be trying to escape again but need to try something different as opposed to the things that don’t work. After calming down a little from the horrible self-torment of yesterday I can clearly see the absurdity of it all but I seem powerless to overcome it. As I said at the beginning, this feels to me like a very powerful spell that has been cast upon me and I know such things do not exist, but if they did, I imagine that what I experience is exactly what it would feel like. Not sure that makes any sense but it really does feel very strange as if an external force is acting upon me that is emanating from my wife. I can fully understand why some people might believe in such nonsense.

    October 21, 2016 at 9:40 am #118624
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JJC:

    You wrote about your girlfriend of 25 years: “I have no idea what she sees in me or why she does not move on.” Did you ask her throughout this time what it is that she sees in you and why she didn’t move on? And if you did ask her, did she answer, throughout those years?

    anita

    October 21, 2016 at 9:52 am #118627
    M
    Participant

    Hi JJC,

    Like others, I registered to this website because your story parallels mine on a larger scale.

    First, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure such horrible treatment through the years. I have a taste of your pain. I met a gorgeous, charming vivacious woman who knew how to stroke my ego and make heads turn. She moved in after a couple of months, and displayed horrible depression and suicidal tendencies. She wasn’t happy, nor did she love herself, and she took it out on me. At first, I swallowed it because of her delicate state, but when her mental abuse escalated and she tried to change me, I either fought back or withdrew. In spite of her attempts to control and abuse, my ego would not allow me to leave because she was so fine.

    One day, she lost her job, and I waited for her to arrive in the parking lot because I knew she was upset. When she pulled up, I offered to help her find work, and she responded with a torrent of abuse, humiliating me in front of a bunch of people. I walked away, and within two weeks, she broke up with me – by text. I was furious and sent her the nastiest email I’ve ever written because I was angry, vindictive, and hurt. Big mistake. I felt strong remorse and shame over my abnormal behavior to the point where I fell into depression and felt suicidal myself. A month later, she wrote lies about me on her popular blog which knocked me to my knees.

    That was 8 months ago. Today, after meditating to forgive myself and love myself, I’m much better. Not perfect but I can see the light.

    You’re wife sound like she has a toxic personality disorder, much like my narcissistic sociopathic ex. Whereas I only endured 7 mnths of her BS, you’ve been a whipping post for 35 years. There isn’t a word big enough to express how badly I feel for you. Get out…not tomorrow, but now. You have a support network ready to shelter and heal you. Use it. The key is to break off all contact with your wife. Delete and block her email, phone number, accounts…everything else. Join a meditation group and learn how to purge your suffering because once you do so, love will flourish within you and life will be happy again. Is it easy? Definitely not, and it’s not a pill that will relieve your pain by tomorrow. You have a lot of hard, emotional work ahead of you but you will get there.

    No one deserves what you’ve been served. Your wife suffers tremendously …she must have had a horrible childhood and terrible parents. But that’s her cross to bear. You must look after yourself first and not worry about any one else. And once you are good with yourself, you can start helping others (not your wife, though).

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by M.
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