Dear jjcooper789:

What a read! My goodness! I read your post very attentively. It is, of course, a sad story of abuse.

Your description of your wife’s behavior is very similar to my mother’s behavior. Your insight is extensive. Like you I also came to the conclusion that what I suffered from, as a result of being with my mother, was Complex PTSD. I gained many of your own insights that you detailed throughout your post.

You asked at the end of it: when is this nightmare going to end?

Hopefully before you die. Hopefully, as soon as possible.

As I read your post I saw in my mind’s eye the image of an elephant that was chained to one place by a lock around its ankle. As a baby elephant, that was enough to prevent it from breaking free but as an adult elephant, it doesn’t. Why? Being locked, imprisoned has become what is Normal for the elephant. It adapted to the imprisonment. Breaking free would expose it to a life that seems Abnormal, unfamiliar, unpracticed.

There is a physiological mechanism in living things called homeostasis. Our bodies operates so that its temperature is the same no matter if it is summer or winter; our blood glucose is the same, or strives to be the same no matter what we eat. In a similar way, our brains strive for sameness, mental-homeostasis (my term). So when you have been imprisoned for so long in your marriage, your brain adjusted and it became normal.

If it didn’t become normal for you, it would have been way more distressing than it has been. Can you imagine? Not much different from a prisoner getting institutionalized: if not, the imprisonment would be unbearably distressing. So the prisoner makes the best of the circumstances: gets lots of pleasure from eating or making alcohol from fruits served at lunch… from playing chess with other prisoners and so forth. And when released from prison many experience so much distress that they commit a crime just so to go back to prison.

When will this nightmare end? It will take courage on your part; courage to break through the distress of exiting the Normal to the Abnormal, the fear of leaving the sameness. Help from another person may be necessary for you. In the US there are shelters for abused spouses, designed to help the spouse in this transition from the normal to the abnormal.

Would like to communicate further with you and hope you will post again.

anita

Dear jjcooper7889:

The sympathy and empathy I feel for you and your situation, on many levels, made your post very hard for me to read.

For me to say that I am so very sorry for the terrible abuse you have suffered and endured for so long is wholly inconsequential in the face of all that you have been through. Nonetheless, I am sorry that you have suffered so much.

First, I want to be clear and say that I am not an expert on any psychological disease or issue, and that I am in no way a professional, or even an aspiring amateur, in the fields of Psychology or Psychiatry. The thoughts I offer below are based only on my own personal experiences, and the research I have done to better understand those experiences.

Many things you wrote suggest to me that your wife has a personality disorder, or a combination of personality disorders, possibly borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or anti-social personality disorder (APD). From what I have read, it is possible for people to have a double diagnosis of more than one personality disorder.

Other psychiatric disorders can co-occur (can be comorbid) with personality disorders, too, such as: affective disorders (depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder) substance abuse disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, major depression, bulimia nervosa, etc.

I urge you to do the research on these disorders, particularly BPD and NPD. There is plenty of information freely available on the Internet (including support websites and forums) and much more detailed information available in books that you can purchase. I think many of your questions about why she behaves that way will begin to be answered.

I also very strongly urge and encourage you to explore the possibility of you finding—as Anita so rightly defines—“a competent, empathetic psychotherapist” to help you better (and eventually fully) understand and effectively process what you have been through and suffered. From what I have read, it is very common for folks to greatly benefit from therapy when decompressing from relationships (particularly long-term relationships) with people who have personality disorders. I urge you to consider finding a therapist not only because it has been of benefit to others, but also because of the “dark disturbing thoughts,” the “overwhelming feelings and emotions,” you feel on a “daily basis,” the “constant anxiety” and “surges of adrenaline” and “body aches” you are experiencing. I fear for your short-term and most definitely for your long-term well-being.

Please empower yourself with research and knowledge, and particularly with the professional help of someone who is knowledgeable in the things with which you are dealing. I suggest that by doing so you will take the first steps to facilitate your extraction from the relationship, and ultimately recovering from what you have endured.

For what it may be worth, I believe that you CAN extract yourself from this, that you CAN recover, and that you CAN have a much, much, MUCH happier life afterward.

I hope the very best for you.

Sincerely,

CMI

Dear Broken Man,

I registered on this website only so I may reply to this post. I have been exactly in your situation. To the ‘T’. I am 31 years now but was with this girl for like 5 years and frankly I don’t know what deed of my ancestors was loved by God that fortunately the circumstances didn’t allow us to get married. I didn’t understand this 6 months back when we broke up. I was devastated. For the last 5 years we were on and off. On times were the best. But off times were the worst. And the off times were triggered by Her and her controlling behaviour. I was someone who was so emotionally entrenched in the relationship that I couldn’t leave. She cheated on me again and again and I took her back when she came crying crawling back. The worst part is that I was walking on egg shells every time I was with her. A small trigger (and no ones fault) could have been sufficient to trigger her worst side and if a week would pass by in romance, the next 3 weeks would be me trying to communicate and get through her, or pacify her down. We would have broken off and got back like a 100 times through out these 5 years.

After thorough investigations on my side I concluded that she had BPD. Of course there is no evidence or clinical investigation behind this, but having known her so well and reading so extensively about personality disorders, this is the closest explaination I can give to her behaviours.

We broke up 6 months back, I was devastated, finding it very difficult to leave, had tendencies to keep going back again and again. I am living in a different country than my family/relatives/friends for 6 years now and no support group made it worst.

I agree with you completely on the fact that its really difficult to leave. The guilt trips they leave for us are so dangerous to navigate that you have tendencies to never leave on your terms or even if you leave you tend to keep going back. But post breakup therapy help me a great deal. It was only after a few months that I started coming out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt, search for this on google) and I started seeing the relationship for what it is. And it is remarkable how you have such a clear understanding of what is happening to you WHILE you are in the relationship, because most people are not able to see clearly unless they don’t come out of it.

I am not as experienced in life as you are, but let me tell you one thing that I know. There IS peace and love on the other side. Peace of moving away from abuse, love of what YOU can provide to YOURSELF. And believe me, not even a single day in such a relationship is worth it than compromising your own self-respect as a man by being in such a relationship. One thig I have learnt out of this sad but great experience is that I will NEVER let anyone, NOONE treat me like how my ex treated me. Contrary to what I had thought for all these 5 years that she loved me, she didn’t. Because control, manipulation and pain is never love. You have loads of time in front of you, time to give yourself and the world your best. You still can get out, recover and take back control of your life. But remember that recovery is possible only when you get out and maintain no contact. Thats only when therapy will work. Not when you take therapy for 1 hour to go back home and suffer abuse for 23 hours of the day.

Peace

Khan85

Remember Broken Man,
Abusers never change. It’s usually physical abusers that everyone associates with, but verbal and mental abuse is just the same. As you stated the “normal” behavior is just an act and anger is building up everyday. Again I wish you all the best and even though you are scared to leave, the time will come when you have had enough and will walk away from all of this.
All the best
Thank you and take care.
-AP85