March 26, 2020 at 10:22 am #345476
Hello anita. I’m ready for my journey 🙂
MatthewMarch 26, 2020 at 10:48 am #345544
Here you are! Good to have you here. In this thread, you want to keep all identifying information about you away, no real names, no names of places, no identifying details about you and other people, such as age, that way you will feel more comfortable. Plus I don’t need these details anyway. The emotional experience we have as children, we take that experience with us wherever we go, whatever we do, whomever we are with, years and decades into adulthood.
If that emotional experience of childhood was not good, then we suffer throughout our adult lives, wherever, whenever, with whomever, no matter our financial situations etc. Therefore, external details are of no interest to me.
“I’m ready for my journey”, you declared. Well, welcome to your journey.
Where do you think is best to start your journey?
anitaMarch 29, 2020 at 4:33 pm #346078
Thank you, Anita.
Honestly I have no idea where to start. Maybe it would be best if you asked me something.March 29, 2020 at 5:47 pm #346096
Start with your beginning. Take me to a tour back in time to your childhood. Start as early as you remember.
Our memories of our childhoods are often poor, we don’t remember much and what we do remember is not accurate as far as dates and events, what was said and done, and that’s okay, I don’t need a complete and accuracy account (and you don’t want to provide identifying details anyway, such as dates and places), so don’t worry about giving me a complete or accurate tour.
Also, your vocabulary as a young child was not as rich as it is now, so as you take me on this tour, use simple vocabulary, nothing fancy, use the language a young child will use, in this exercise.
Show me your home life, the interactions between your parents, between them and you. Anything and everything that you do remember is significant- nothing too small to bother to show me. If there are things that you remember that you are too embarrassed to tell me, either tell me in a general way that will not include the embarrassing details, or don’t tell me at all.
What is most significant to me in this exercise is how you felt and thought back then- not what you think now about what happened back then. I don’t need to know what you now think that your parents intended and thought and felt. They are not my focus; you are. I need to see what you felt back then, how life was for you, in your subjective experience.
You may want to do this exercise when you are comfortable and relaxed, not interrupted by anyone, typing on your keyboard while you are sitting as comfortably as possible.
anitaMarch 30, 2020 at 9:42 am #346182
My earliest memories are only short images. The people in my family were all educated and respected but not for their job, but for the way they were as people. They’ve always been hard workers, and they’ve never fooled others for their own advantage. We didn’t have much but we appreciated and used everything we had. Growing up in this environment, I’ve learned the importance of all these values in life. My parents did their best to offer me a great childhood and they succeeded. I remember being a very happy child. I was loved by everybody. I was calm, smart, I loved playing with Lego, making puzzles, watching cartoons.
I’ve always been very slim, I never liked eating much, and I haven’t had any health problems from it. I’ve also worn glasses from kindergarten. In kindergarten things were good, I enjoyed playing with others and I felt that they did too with me. But, in school I kept being mocked for both wearing glasses and being so thin. I’ve also been called names for it. That’s when I began feeling that I look and am weaker than others. If it was bad I used to tell on others to my teacher, but apart from her scolding them nothing else had changed. And “hitting back” was never an option because I was realistically aware of the fact that being physically inferior, I had absolutely nothing to win.
One day when coming home from school, I was stopped on the street by a boy who is known for being a trouble maker and he poured a drink on me just for fun. That has made me become afraid of going out in the street alone for a few years, and even now I am kind of afraid of these kinds of people when being on the street. The police doesn’t do anything against them, so I feel I have absolutely no power over the situation.
I went on class trips from school which I enjoyed, but once I went on a longer one (1 week) which I dreaded. I kept being mocked by others (especially by the older ones who chose me as a mocking object for being the universally called “looser”-type), I didn’t know how to swim (it was at a lake), and obviously others chose going with the group instead of me, so at one point a strong feeling of loneliness and helplessness struck me which made me cry and want to go home every day. The teacher tried to comfort me and help but it didn’t help. The fact that people around me (except for family) have always chosen to spend time or do things with others than me has stayed in my life for a very long time, and it added to my feeling of being unwanted.
This is what came into my mind about the time until I reached the age of 10. I think I will stop here now, and I will continue after we talk what there is to talk about regarding this part. I’ve tried to write all things I remember, but if you have any particular questions maybe they would help me to bring out more. And something for all my future posts: you can ask me absolutely anything and I will answer honestly with (if you also don’t mind) because I know it’s the only way to go. I don’t mind at all, now that I am anonymous.March 30, 2020 at 10:58 am #346194
I am glad you invited me to ask you “absolutely anything”, and that you let me know that you will answer my questions honestly. I will take full advantage of this invitation, all for the purpose of greater understanding and moving forward in your emotional learning journey.
A little summary of some of what you shared (and I am focusing only on your childhood emotional experience, not on your parents’ good character and such): you were taught that it is admirable to be educated, to work hard, to treat others with honesty, to never fool others for a personal gain, and to be frugal, not wasteful (“used everything we had”).
You were thin and wore glasses every since kindergarten. Following kindergarten, in school, peers mocked, called names and bullied for being thin and wearing glasses. You told one or more of your teachers about it, but nothing changed as a result. You knew that your peers had the physical advantage over you, so you didn’t consider hitting back.
After a boy from school, a bully, poured a drink on you on your way back from school, “just for fun”, you were scared of going out alone on the street for a few years. Some of that fear is still there, walking on the street alone. You can see that the police, just like your teachers, do not protect people from bullies. And therefore, you “have absolutely no power over the situation”.
Question: your parents taught you never fool others for your own advantage (“they never fooled others for their own advantage”). When you told them about the bullies in school and on the street who fooled you for their own advantage (their advantage was having fun, ex: the bully who poured a drink on you “just for fun”)-
-what did they say/do to correct your situation in school/on the streets?
anitaApril 8, 2020 at 4:27 am #348244
In order to answer the question properly, I have to clarify something. The person who poured a drink on me was not a bully from school. He was one of the many people (he was 4 years older than me, I think) who live in a “ghetto” part of the town. They haven’t gone to school, they don’t work, they live on welfare, they behave like the world is theirs, and the police doesn’t do anything to them because even they are afraid of them. There is a high risk that if anybody tries to confront them they will take their revenge because they are simply not afraid of anybody, having almost nothing to lose. I don’t think it would have been wise for my parents to tell me to fight back if this were to happen again, because it was obvious that I would have ended up beaten up. Other people my age weren’t so afraid of them because they weren’t “targets” for the bullies, as they were stronger physically and implicitly they felt strong enough to fight back if needed.
Therefore, what my parents did was tell my teacher, thinking that the bully might have been a student, but he wasn’t. Some of my classmates though of somebody in the school who could have been the bully from my description and they told me to go with them to see if it was him (I remember feeling so good that they for them trying to help me). We went to see, but it wasn’t that person. When I left school 2 of my classmates also came with me (if I remember well) thinking that the bully might be there again, but he wasn’t. But the thought of him (or anybody else whom he represented) has always been there with me. Given the fact that nobody even knows where he lives, because they are always on the street, my parents couldn’t do more about it. I remember that all the time they kept encouraging me to do anything I wanted to, and the have been always trying to make me feel that I am a worthy and lovable person. But I never got to pass a certain line on that “path”, because of all these experiences that I’ve had with my peers. I didn’t feel safe on the street because of that experience (and some other similar ones), and I didn’t feel quite well at school either because I never felt genuinely respected or loved by others. Whenever there was a choice they would always leave me. I’ve always wished I had that friend like you see in the movies, who would always be on my side, who would defend me in conflicts and who would support me when I’m feeling down. I’ve been helped or defended a few times but as far as I remember I feel that It happened because they had a personal interest in it, they didn’t do it for me.
Same goes for parties. I hated going to any birthday party or similar events because I just didn’t have anything to do. I didn’t like dancing and I didn’t drink or smoke. Everybody else seemed to be just fine without me so I had absolutely no interest in being there because I didn’t like anything going on there, not even the music. I rarely found a person whom I could have a genuine conversation with but it didn’t last long.
And something else I remembered: I always tried to change myself in order to fit in with my peers. I wanted to impress them, but of course it never worked. And I feel that this has stayed with me even today. I still feel that I’m trying to impress every person I meet in order to be accepted by them, and it’s more like a reflex now, not a decision. The only place where I feel accepted for who and what I am is with my family.
I remember something very strange from when I was around 10 years old. I don’t remember when it began or when it ended, but I know that every morning before going to school I woke up feeling sick because of nervousness and a few times I even threw up. It went on like this for weeks. It was a fear mixed with anxiety, not for going on the street alone, but more for going to school. My parents took me to the doctor but I was perfectly healthy. They also talked to my teacher and she gathered the whole class and said that one of us was dealing with some difficulties (she didn’t say it was me) and if anybody knows why this happened they are asked to say it, but nobody said anything. They didn’t have anything to say because it wasn’t anybody or anything in particular. I still have the exact same feeling whenever I have an exam, or anything important on a given day.
If I think back now, I would say that anybody could have told me absolutely anything about how worthy I was, or how I should accept and love myself the way I am, because if I hadn’t seen it happening practically, I wouldn’t have believed it. If you keep telling me that I am a great comedian but almost nobody laughs at my jokes (except for my family) for years, I will gradually stop believing I am funny.
April 8, 2020 at 8:39 am #348268
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by Matthew.
You shared that it was a street bully that bullied you on the street, one who lived in a ghetto part of town, one of the people who lived on welfare and endangered the lives and safety of others with no interference from the police because they police is afraid of them. These ghetto bullies have no good homes, so they spend their time on the streets, targeting those who look weaker, people like you. If you resist them, they will hurt you even more.
Clearly, you had a terrible and dangerous time on the streets, and at school, you “never felt genuinely respected or loved”, no one on your side, no one to defend you and support you when you felt down. The few times others helped you, they did so because “they had a personal interest in it”.
You believe.. you know for sure, that no one outside your family ever accepted and loved you the way you are, you never experienced that in practical terms.
“The only place where I feel accepted for who and what I am is with my family”-
I have more questions:
1. Did the ghetto street bullies you refer to, those who spent most of their times on the streets, doing as they please, having nothing to lose, uninterrupted by the police: they don’t spend their time in their own streets, in the ghetto, they go far from where they live to terrorize people in different neighborhoods?
If so, if there is a lot of crime where you live because of ghetto people, uninterrupted by the police, then there have to be lots of robberies and mayhem on the streets, murders and such…?
And if so, did your parents ever considered moving far away from such urban war zone?
2. In your school experience, was any of your peers also afraid of the ghetto street bullies, or were you the only one?
I mean, all those ghetto street people, they didn’t target only you???
anitaApril 8, 2020 at 2:45 pm #348260
I am growing and always working on myself. I have struggled with my fiance and i and our time together. I have three girls who are 9 and older and he has a 5 yr old son these kids are split between houses form ours to their other parents. we are building a business together but I seem to want more time with him then the other way around. He takes a lot of time to spend time with his son and is extremely affectionate but towards me its not that much. i have discuss this with him and working on finding a balance i also work full time. it almost feels like rejection every time but i cant compete with a kid. how do i not feel like this. i write poetry and working on a novel i read a lot and workout daily. I do not like laying on the couch to long watching Netflix. i also spend time with my kids and play video games. but i am willing to stop and spend time with him. how do i not crave affectionate and just do my own thing while he is doing his.April 9, 2020 at 10:08 am #348412
1. it’s a small town, and they go everywhere (they actually live in the center). It’s not like their purpose is to terrorize people, but it’s one of the things they do because they are enjoying it and they can. There are robberies sometimes, but not on a daily basis, and there are no murders.
My parents would have wanted to move to a different country when they were younger but they spoke no English and they couldn’t afford moving. This is the place where they had a house to live in and jobs. Now they sometimes regret not trying to move. I wouldn’t call it a warzone, I think that would be exaggerated. From the outside it doesn’t seem to be a dangerous place. Maybe it only is to people like me who are not the “tough” kind.
2. I don’t know of anybody in particular, but I’m sure they’ve also had such encounters. I believe some might have been afraid, but I’ve heard stories of classmates who had an aggressive attitude towards these bullies, some beat them, some scared them away, or became friends with them.
And there is a correction to what I had written in my former reply. I forgot to mention that I’ve had two girlfriends for a short time each, and I felt that one of them genuinely loved me, accepted me and appreciated me for what I was, but the relationship didn’t work out and since then I’ve been single. Not having been able to find a girlfriend as easily as others do has also been a major factor that contributed for my lack of self-confidence.April 9, 2020 at 10:10 am #348414
I’m sorry but not having been through anything like this I don’t feel I am the right person to answer your question. The only thing I can advise you to do is to talk about it with your fiance honestly as it should happen in any loving family.April 9, 2020 at 12:07 pm #348434
Earlier stated confidently that you “never felt genuinely respected or loved”, but in your recent post you wrote: “I forgot to mention that .. one of them genuinely loved me, accepted me and appreciated me for what I was”- any idea how you forgot such a significant experience as being loved?
One more question: do you think that your perception that you belong only with your family and the rest of the people where you live (and in the city where you moved to, for some time before you returned home) are generally on the other side, hostile and dangerous, do you think this perception is based only on the fact that you were a slim boy who wore glasses, or were you also taught by your parents, in some ways, that the world outside home is hostile and dangerous and the only place you can feel safe is at home?
Do think thoroughly before you answer, take your time.
anitaApril 9, 2020 at 1:29 pm #348460
“any idea how you forgot such a significant experience as being loved?” – I wrote the text and I edited it afterwards. It seems like I forgot to add that part back because after I send you the reply I thought it contained this information too. Mistakes happen 🙂
And I don’t need time to think about your question: I don’t feel that the world outside my home is hostile and dangerous. I never have. I don’t feel that my only place is here with my family. As far as I remember, my parents have always encouraged me to make friends and to have experiences. I have had opportunities to travel the world for longer times and my parents have encouraged me to do it, and they also supported me financially. They’ve always tried to offer me the opportunities that they hadn’t had when they were my age and I am grateful to them for that. Now, on the other hand, every time I was on the point of doing something or going somewhere, of course, there was the usual “be careful”, “the dog might bite”, “you could be scammed”, etc., and sometimes they even told me that something I wanted to do was dangerous, but it didn’t affect me, as I still did it, because I felt I was right, and I was happy about my decision. I’ve lived for months in different parts of the world and I had no problems adapting. In some places that I liked I would have wanted to stay and move there, but it wasn’t legally possible or it didn’t work out. I’m still trying to find ways to do it, as I wrote in my first post that I deleted.
I’m sorry if I deviate from the subject or if I leave anything out, but as you can imagine, there’s a lot to think about and analyze and it’s very easy to lose my thoughts. Thank you for understanding.April 9, 2020 at 1:37 pm #348462
And if you remember, I wrote that I stopped writing my “story” when I got to the age of 14. After that, in high school and university I managed to meet some people that I got on well with and whom I felt respected by, but they are only a few and they all live in different parts of the world now, on different continents, far from me, so I am not able to meet them in person.April 9, 2020 at 2:28 pm #348472
Your answer regarding your parents possibly teaching you that the world is hostile and the only safe place for you is home, is clear: your parents didn’t teach you that and they encouraged (and financed) you to travel the world and meet new people.
Regarding you forgetting that a girl genuinely loved you, the forgetting is not in the absence of sharing about it. The forgetting is in what you did share: “(I) never felt genuinely respected or loved”. On second thought, there is no contradiction between: I never felt genuinely loved and she genuinely loved me: one of your girlfriend genuinely loved you, but you didn’t feel loved by her.
At home, with your parents, you do feel loved, don’t you? Will you tell me how does it feel, to feel loved, and will you describe a few interaction with any of your parents where you feel loved?