Thank you, Anita.

Honestly I have no idea where to start. Maybe it would be best if you asked me something.

My earliest memories are only short images.  The people in my family were all educated and respected but not for their job, but for the way they were as people. They’ve always been hard workers, and they’ve never fooled others for their own advantage. We didn’t have much but we appreciated and used everything we had. Growing up in this environment, I’ve learned the importance of all these values in life. My parents did their best to offer me a great childhood and they succeeded. I remember being a very happy child. I was loved by everybody. I was calm, smart, I loved playing with Lego, making puzzles, watching cartoons.

I’ve always been very slim, I never liked eating much, and I haven’t had any health problems from it. I’ve also worn glasses from kindergarten. In kindergarten things were good, I enjoyed playing with others and I felt that they did too with me. But, in school I kept being mocked for both wearing glasses and being so thin. I’ve also been called names for it. That’s when I began feeling that I look and am weaker than others. If it was bad I used to tell on others to my teacher, but apart from her scolding them nothing else had changed. And “hitting back” was never an option because I was realistically aware of the fact that being physically inferior, I had absolutely nothing to win.

One day when coming home from school, I was stopped on the street by a boy who is known for being a trouble maker and he poured a drink on me just for fun. That has made me become afraid of going out in the street alone for a few years, and even now I am kind of afraid of these kinds of people when being on the street. The police doesn’t do anything against them, so I feel I have absolutely no power over the situation.

I went on class trips from school which I enjoyed, but once I went on a longer one (1 week) which I dreaded. I kept being mocked by others (especially by the older ones who chose me as a mocking object for being the universally called “looser”-type), I didn’t know how to swim (it was at a lake), and obviously others chose going with the group instead of me, so at one point a strong feeling of loneliness and helplessness struck me which made me cry and want to go home every day. The teacher tried to comfort me and help but it didn’t help. The fact that people around me (except for family) have always chosen to spend time or do things with others than me has stayed in my life for a very long time, and it added to my feeling of being unwanted.

This is what came into my mind about the time until I reached the age of 10. I think I will stop here now, and I will continue after we talk what there is to talk about regarding this part. I’ve tried to write all things I remember, but if you have any particular questions maybe they would help me to bring out more. And something for all my future posts: you can ask me absolutely anything and I will answer honestly with (if you also don’t mind) because I know it’s the only way to go. I don’t mind at all, now that I am anonymous.

In order to answer the question properly, I have to clarify something. The person who poured a drink on me was not a bully from school. He was one of the many people (he was 4 years older than me, I think) who live in a “ghetto” part of the town. They haven’t gone to school, they don’t work, they live on welfare, they behave like the world is theirs, and the police doesn’t do anything to them because even they are afraid of them. There is a high risk that if anybody tries to confront them they will take their revenge because they are simply not afraid of anybody, having almost nothing to lose. I don’t think it would have been wise for my parents to tell me to fight back if this were to happen again, because it was obvious that I would have ended up beaten up. Other people my age weren’t so afraid of them because they weren’t “targets” for the bullies, as they were stronger physically and implicitly they felt strong enough to fight back if needed.

Therefore, what my parents did was tell my teacher, thinking that the bully might have been a student, but he wasn’t. Some of my classmates though of somebody in the school who could have been the bully from my description and they told me to go with them to see if it was him (I remember feeling so good that they for them trying to help me). We went to see, but it wasn’t that person. When I left school 2 of my classmates also came with me (if I remember well) thinking that the bully might be there again, but he wasn’t. But the thought of him (or anybody else whom he represented) has always been there with me. Given the fact that nobody even knows where he lives, because they are always on the street, my parents couldn’t do more about it. I remember that all the time they kept encouraging me to do anything I wanted to, and the have been always trying to make me feel that I am a worthy and lovable person. But I never got to pass a certain line on that “path”, because of all these experiences that I’ve had with my peers. I didn’t feel safe on the street because of that experience (and some other similar ones), and I didn’t feel quite well at school either because I never felt genuinely respected or loved by others. Whenever there was a choice they would always leave me. I’ve always wished I had that friend like you see in the movies, who would always be on my side, who would defend me in conflicts and who would support me when I’m feeling down. I’ve been helped or defended a few times but as far as I remember I feel that It happened because they had a personal interest in it, they didn’t do it for me.

Same goes for parties. I hated going to any birthday party or similar events because I just didn’t have anything to do. I didn’t like dancing and I didn’t drink or smoke. Everybody else seemed to be just fine without me so I had absolutely no interest in being there because I didn’t like anything going on there, not even the music. I rarely found a person whom I could have a genuine conversation with but it didn’t last long.

And something else I remembered: I always tried to change myself in order to fit in with my peers. I wanted to impress them, but of course it never worked. And I feel that this has stayed with me even today. I still feel that I’m trying to impress every person I meet in order to be accepted by them, and it’s more like a reflex now, not a decision. The only place where I feel accepted for who and what I am is with my family.

I remember something very strange from when I was around 10 years old. I don’t remember when it began or when it ended, but I know that every morning before going to school I woke up feeling sick because of nervousness and a few times I even threw up. It went on like this for weeks. It was a fear mixed with anxiety, not for going on the street alone, but more for going to school. My parents took me to the doctor but I was perfectly healthy. They also talked to my teacher and she gathered the whole class and said that one of us was dealing with some difficulties (she didn’t say it was me) and if anybody knows why this happened they are asked to say it, but nobody said anything. They didn’t have anything to say because it wasn’t anybody or anything in particular. I still have the exact same feeling whenever I have an exam, or anything important on a given day.

If I think back now, I would say that anybody could have told me absolutely anything about how worthy I was, or how I should accept and love myself the way I am, because if I hadn’t seen it happening practically, I wouldn’t have believed it. If you keep telling me that I am a great comedian but almost nobody laughs at my jokes (except for my family) for years, I will gradually stop believing I am funny.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Matthew.

Christyne:

I’m sorry but not having been through anything like this I don’t feel I am the right person to answer your question. The only thing I can advise you to do is to talk about it with your fiance honestly as it should happen in any loving family.

Hello Anita,

“any idea how you forgot such a significant experience as being loved?” – I wrote the text and I edited it afterwards. It seems like I forgot to add that part back because after I send you the reply I thought it contained this information too. Mistakes happen 🙂

And I don’t need time to think about your question: I don’t feel that the world outside my home is hostile and dangerous. I never have. I don’t feel that my only place is here with my family. As far as I remember, my parents have always encouraged me to make friends and to have experiences. I have had opportunities to travel the world for longer times and my parents have encouraged me to do it, and they also supported me financially. They’ve always tried to offer me the opportunities that they hadn’t had when they were my age and I am grateful to them for that. Now, on the other hand, every time I was on the point of doing something or going somewhere, of course, there was the usual “be careful”,  “the dog might bite”, “you could be scammed”, etc., and sometimes they even told me that something I wanted to do was dangerous, but it didn’t affect me, as I still did it, because I felt I was right, and I was happy about my decision. I’ve lived for months in different parts of the world and I had no problems adapting. In some places that I liked I would have wanted to stay and move there, but it wasn’t legally possible or it didn’t work out. I’m still trying to find ways to do it, as I wrote in my first post that I deleted.

I’m sorry if I deviate from the subject or if I leave anything out, but as you can imagine, there’s a lot to think about and analyze and it’s very easy to lose my thoughts. Thank you for understanding.