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Dumped due to future distance

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  • June 22, 2018 at 8:38 pm #213695
    James
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I’m trying to heal from a recent break up from a short term relationship.

     

    About the relationship:

    – It was a casual relationship that lasted 3 weeks. I met her at a hotel while we were ordering beers, and she turned out to be the most amazing woman I’ve met in my life. She was visiting my country and was to be in my city for another 10 weeks before she disappeared back home. We clicked so well on the first day itself and we took things to the bedroom. It was intense. We would catch up in person every 2-3 days, and send maybe 2-3 texts a day. On the 2nd week, she told me that I’m an amazing guy and that she really likes me but that her friends advised her to advise me that she will be returning home soon. We agreed to not have anything serious, and I told her that I was prepared to not see her again after that day. She continued to text me, so I played back in, and it seemed like business as usual.

    – Fast forward 1.5 weeks. That weekend, I went on a pre-planned holiday with my former soccer friends (all males). While I was on the holiday, she texted me to say that she wanted to end things, and would like to meet up one last time. I was crushed. I was on a holiday and this was the worst thing I wanted to hear, so I ignored her text. She kept texting me, so we ended up having a phone conversation that Saturday night. She told me that she would rather go on adventures with her gay male friend, and sleep with other new guys whom she wouldn’t have feelings for. This broke me. I told her that I felt like I was wasting my time with her. She still wanted to meet up when I was back.

    – When I returned home, I texted her about the meet up. She said she didn’t want to meet up any more because she already told me what she wanted to say and wasn’t happy with the way I spoke to her on Saturday night. I picked up the phone, and arranged for a face to face meet up. We had the whole break up talk, and she told me that while she really really likes me, and has never had this feeling before, she didn’t want to have anything to do with me from here on because she’s afraid it will hurt her. I offered to keep in touch so that if in the future, our paths cross, we can re-consider things. She agreed not to delete me off social media.

    Post break up:

    – After 3 weeks of no-contact, she made a FB post about getting a new job back home and the birth of her niece. I congratulated her, as I was really happy to hear that. We texted back and forth that day, but she declined to meet up face to face.

    – It’s been another 1.5 months of no-contact. She posted on her FB all the beautiful people she met while here, and that she’ll be leaving back home. She left without a goodbye. It hurts that she can keep in touch with all the other friends she’s made her, but not me. She posts pictures of all the weekend adventures with the gay male friend. She is a lovable person, and usually gets over 200 likes per post.

    – She doesn’t like any of my social media posts but is usually one of the first to watch my stories.

    My questions:

    – What do you make of all this?

    – Should I delete her off social media?

    – Do you think she likes me or misses me?

    – How can I heal? She’s still on my mind (unlike most casual relationships I’ve had). I still question what I did wrong. I still question why she doesn’t want to consider me in the future.

     

    June 23, 2018 at 2:43 am #213747
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear James:

    Welcome back!

    Summary of your story: you met her at a hotel while she was visiting your city and country for another 2.5 months. You had sex that first meeting. Met in person every 2-3 days and texted daily. She told you the second week that “her friends advised her to advise (you) that she will be returning home soon” and she continued to text you. Third week or so you were on a holiday with male friends and she texted you that she wanted “to end things”. You ignored her text and she kept texting. Then you had a phone conversation. She told you in that conversation that she prefers spending the rest of her time in your city/ country with other people, and “sleep with other new guys whom she wouldn’t have feelings for”. Following that you met her in person one last time and she told you that “she didn’t want to have anything to do with (you) from here on because she’s afraid it will hurt her”. While still in your country, there was no contact between the two of you for three weeks. Then some FB post, a few texts, then more no contact, and she left your country “without a goodbye”.

    Your questions: “What do you make of all this?”- a major element to this very short relationship is that it took place while she was visiting your country, not living there. There are at least two possibilities: either she did experience intense feelings for you and was concerned about getting too emotionally attached to you or –

    she sensed that you were getting too emotionally attached to her and was concerned that you will harass her as a result of your attachment to her. In her anxiety over you harassing her, she harassed you (texting you repeatedly during your trip) so to make sure you are okay with the ending of the relationship.

    Before and if I attempt to answer your other questions, I need to know what do you think of these two possibilities?

    anita

     

    June 23, 2018 at 3:35 am #213763
    James
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your response.

    Your first possibility is very plausible – “she did experience intense feelings for you and was concerned about getting too emotionally attached to you”

    Your second possibility – “she sensed that you were getting too emotionally attached to her and was concerned that you will harass her as a result of your attachment to her. In her anxiety over you harassing her, she harassed you (texting you repeatedly during your trip) so to make sure you are okay with the ending of the relationship.”  –> this possibility did not cross my mind. She certainly sensed that I became emotionally attached. While I was prepared to end it when she first dropped the hint 1.5 weeks in, she continued to text (in spite of knowing how I felt), which is why I thought I’d carry it on. Neither of us have harassed the other. When I was on a holiday, her texts seemed more like a desperate attempt to urgently end things e.g. “I need to talk to you”, “This will be our last time catching up”.  After our final meeting in person, there has been no harassment by text – in fact, it was pretty much non-contact, except for one day of texting in response to her special news.

    James

    June 23, 2018 at 4:08 am #213769
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear James:

    We can continue to explore this, if you want. When she told you that “her friends advised her to advise me that she will be returning home soon”- it lead me to think that she was concerned about your behavior and therefore needed to advise you, to have her friends advise you, letting you know it will end soon, so that you will not get too attached. What other motivation do you think brought about this advisement on her part?

    I was wondering about the context of her telling you that she would  like to “sleep with other new guys whom she wouldn’t have feelings for”. Did she say this in anger? What did you tell her before she made this statement and after she did?

    anita

     

    June 23, 2018 at 4:27 am #213773
    James
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    She told me that the reason she asked her friends back home was that she met a great guy and felt she didn’t have a future together, so asked them for advice on how to handle this.

    As for the second bit,  it wasn’t in anger. I asked her if she’s dropping me because she has a boyfriend or if she has met someone. She denied both. I then asked if she was planning to stay single for her remaining time in my country. She responded that she prefers to sleep with new guys whom she won’t have feelings for. Then I asked her, so what if she develops feelings for them and the same thing happens. She said she doesn’t plan to do anything regular with anyone.

     

    James.

    June 23, 2018 at 4:45 am #213777
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear James:

    I am leaning toward the first possibility then.

    “What do you make of all this?”-she felt too attached to you for comfort. Her emotional attachment to you, formed quickly, during a visit to your country, distressed her and she was in a rush to end that feeling. This is why she rushed to end the beginning relationship while you were away on a trip, and why she chose to have no contact with her while still present in your country.

    “Should I delete her off social media?” – probably a good idea, so to put the experience in your past, to no longer have that experience triggered and re-lived in the present.

    “Do you think she likes me or misses me?”- I can’t tell, of course. I am guessing that the answer is no because she felt so uncomfortable liking and missing you before, rushing to no longer feeling these things for you. Away from you in her own country, with very little contact, I am assuming she is over that attachment.

    “How can I heal… I still question what I did wrong. I still question why she doesn’t want to consider me in the future”- I don’t know if you did anything wrong. I do know that everyone does things wrong sometimes but that doesn’t stop relationships from starting and continuing for as long as they do. I don’t know her thoughts, what you shared with her, what of what you shared she liked and what she didn’t like, what she feels about long distance relationships, what her past is in regards to relationships, don’t have that information.

    To heal, probably a good idea to no longer read about her, to no longer expose yourself to information about her. Before you end all contact, maybe, just maybe it will be a good idea to ask her the question you asked here, that is what did you do wrong, in her mind and why she didn’t or doesn’t consider a long distance relationship with you…?

    anita

    June 23, 2018 at 5:05 am #213783
    James
    Participant

    Thank you for your thoughtful response Anita.

    “she felt too attached to you for comfort. Her emotional attachment to you, formed quickly, during a visit to your country, distressed her and she was in a rush to end that feeling.”

    –> You are right. She told me she hadn’t been in love before. She has only had Friends With Benefits, and she couldn’t do that with me.

    I am guessing she got all the cuddling and male attention she needed from her gay friend, and her sexual needs with the occasional one night stand here and there. So she’s probably well and truly over me, and ready for her next chapter in life with her new job back home.

     

    James

    June 23, 2018 at 5:18 am #213787
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear James:

    You are welcome.

    Your understanding makes sense to me. Her rushing to end things while you were on a trip is the strongest evidence of her distress regarding the experience of emotional attachment. Her history of having only friends-with-benefits relationships with men is more, very strong evidence to what I believe is your correct understanding.

    anita

     

    June 23, 2018 at 6:11 am #213789
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi James,

    Hope I’m not late to the party and you will check in once more!

    I think that:

    1. You had sex too soon.

    2. She tried to control the situation. You were clearly on a pre-planned holiday with your friends (I’m assuming you told her this) and she texts you that she wants to meet (NOW!) to break up. I would have ignored her too.

    3. Then she gets all pissy and doesn’t like how you talked to her on Saturday night and then DOESN’T want to meet up. How else did she think you would have been? She was dumping you!

    4. She sounds very immature.

    5. If you can “Hide” her on social media, at least you won’t have to see her posts. If it makes you feel better, I rarely reach out to the FB Friends I’ve had major connections with. (I’m kind of down on FaceBook, etc. anyway.) The connection was “too real” and I don’t want them to be just another social media friend. It diminishes what we had. Let her have her surface-y social media relationships with her 1,000 Friends. What you had was Real. Remember that. Too bad she wasn’t ready for it.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    June 23, 2018 at 4:03 pm #213845
    James
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

     

    Thanks for offering your perspective on my situation. It’s really nice to see how other people perceive the sequel of events and is, believe it or not, quite therapeutic!

    Funnily enough, on the first day I met her, it was her that took me to her house and got me in bed, while sober. When she broke things off with me while on a holiday, it was her that objected to any further sex.

    Yes, she was aware of our pre-planned holiday.

    I agree with you over the real vs virtual aspect. I have “demoted” her FB friend status to acquaintance, and have unfollowed her (but still have her on my list).

    The issue I’m working on now is, I’m trying to not feel guilty about moving on after a break up with someone I’ve had a great connection with and told them about it. For instance, I’m trying not to feel like an a-hole for meeting or being seen with other women in public – I live in a mid-sized city which has a small world feel and you’re bound to bump into someone you know when you’re out or at a party, and word gets out quick. Especially a guy’s reputation. I’ve seen some of my male friends be shunned among the ladies for having just a FWB or casual SEO (Seeing Each other) with one girl, but going on a date with another girl at the same time or shortly after. If I’m labelled an a-hole for moving onto other women, I feel like just saying “I’m single and free to see who I want. The girl I was with recently – we are not a couple, and we agreed we can see others”.

    James

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