Home→Forums→Relationships→Dumped by the girl of my dreams about a month ago
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just_let_go.
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June 21, 2018 at 7:43 pm #213531
just_let_goParticipantHi guys, I am new here.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m hoping to achieve here. I’m sitting at work by myself, on the verge of tears for the second time in the last 24 hours, wanting this pain to end. A month ago my girlfriend of almost 2 years left me. The break up itself was almost beautiful. She said what she had to say, and then we just held each other for 20 minutes, both of us crying uncontrollably. Then, she was gone. It feels like she took half my heart with her when she left.
We had a great relationship. We did EVERYTHING together. We couldn’t be away from each other for a day. We constantly had friends and family telling us that we were the “goals couple.” I had my housemates telling me how jealous they were about our relationship. We loved each other deeply, but it wasn’t enough.
Like any couple, we had our issues. Different plans, an age gap, mental illness, sexual problems. But I never thought any of it was enough to break us. We tackled our issues and worked on them every day. They were just temporary, in my eyes at least.
The first break up lasted all of 3 hours. She then messaged me, full of regret, saying “I think I just threw away the best thing in my life.” It turned into a week long break. During the break, we had little contact, but it sounded like we were getting back together! We didn’t.
It has been a month since that day. We have had absolutely no contact, except for a brief exchange of belongings. I have removed her from all social media as I cannot stand to even see her name. I’ve been doing my best to keep busy, see friends, family, chase hobbies and exercise, which definitely helps, but the hurt is always lingering just below the surface. Part of me has not quite let go. Every time my phone buzzes, I hope it’s her. She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can’t help but blame myself for losing her. What we had was beautiful. We had a rough month prior to the break up as my anxiety issues got really bad, which is why I blame myself.
I feel like I have read half the break up posts on the internet. I’ve overshared to pretty much anyone who will listen. It just feels like this pain will never end. Everywhere I look, I see her. in my car, I see all the road trips we did together. I look at my dog, and think of all the times we walked to amazing places, the 3 of us. I walk through my house, I think of all the cooking we did together, how we worked on my house toegther. I get coffee in the mornings, and am often greeted by, “Where’s [name ommited?]” I know everyone goes through this. But once it happens to you, if feels like no one has ever felt this way, which I know is crazy.
I guess I’d just love to hear from people with similar experiences, or could help me understand why she’s done what she’s done when everything we had felt amazing. I know time is the only real healer here, but I just need to stop crying at work!
June 21, 2018 at 8:26 pm #213535
AnonymousInactiveHey just let go,
first of all, I want to say that I am deeply sorry for your loss and the hardship you’re going through. It isn’t easy, trust me.
I’ve been on both ends of such a relationship. I can tell you that sadly, a breakup isn’t ever sudden. It’s just that we don’t notice it and it’s the small naggings thoughts and mishaps that eventually lead to the final straw being broken and two people drifting apart.
my last relationship was similar. We did everything together. I thought I was with the man I was going to marry. I did everything to make the relationship last…even when he wanted to quit and even when he kept seeing obstacles. I thought my love and effort was enough and that eventually he would also learn to be just as strong and resilient as I was. I wanted to see him act bravely and take a chance on me and get married. I thought it could work. But he kept being unsure and letting me down and showing me I wasn’t important in his life. We ended up breaking up. I cried for monthes and went through the days in autopilot. Eventually, he wanted to get back together and realized the mistake he made but It was over … he let me down too many times and no words were ever going to fix his mistrust in me. He never did show me that he wanted this relationship as much as I did.
the point I’m trying to say is that, it happens. Sometimes our love stories don’t work out and it really hurts. I guarantee that we’ve all been there. I also hope someday to try and love again just as deeply as before
June 21, 2018 at 9:01 pm #213537just_let_goParticipantHi RedDress, thank you so much for the reply.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to experience this as well. To me, it felt sudden. We were, or so I thought, very good at communication throughout our relationship. We spoke about our problems, our future, our fears, if we were happy, if we weren’t, about what needed to change or get better… But she never brought any of this up prior. It hurts that she never gave us the chance to at least discuss everything that had been going on. While my anxiety was really bad, I was constantly asking how she was coping. If she needed a few nights alone at her place while I was struggling, if there was anything I could do. She always said she was fine. For a time there, she was. But something eventually changed. She stopped calling us a “we” and started using “you” and “I” a lot. She stopped saying she loved me. She stopped talking about our future. A week later it was over.
I’m left here, stuck on the idea that she let one tough month destroy something beautiful.
What you said about being strong, giving it your all and over coming obstacles… That hits close to home. I feel like we were both like that to a degree, but I was always that little bit more unconditionally loving, that little bit more resilient. In the past, when things got a little tough, she often had breakdowns and couldn’t seem to handle it. She was one of those people who is the strongest person on earth, and then suddenly breaks.
June 22, 2018 at 2:47 am #213561AnonymousGuestDear just_let_go:
You wrote: “help me understand why she’s done what she’s done when everything we had felt amazing”
My part answer is that she broke up with you because everything was not amazing.
It didn’t even feel amazing to you at all times: while in the relationship with her you had “different plans, an age gap, mental illness, sexual problems”- these didn’t feel amazing. And then “my anxiety was really bad.. I was struggling”- that didn’t feel amazing.
You may have the answer of why she broke up with you right here: “In the past, when things got a little tough, she often had breakdowns and couldn’t seem to handle it”.
What do you think/ feel?
anita
June 22, 2018 at 4:46 am #213573
InkyParticipantHi just_let_go,
I remember trying not to cry (again!) at work after a breakup and the boss saying, “Inky, you’re bringing everyone down.” Then he quoted the lyrics to the song Everybody Plays the Fool. Awkward, but it happened to me.
The breakup may have seemed sudden to you, but it had been brewing for quite some time in her mind. That’s why the rejected one has a harder time. It’s the shock of it all (on top of the rejection).
Consider it a blessing. Now you can find an agemate who is on a similar path who doesn’t have (or can cope with) mental issues who is sexually compatible with you. It may seem impossible, but with 7 billion people on the planet, these compatible people are out there.
Blessings,
Inky
June 24, 2018 at 2:45 am #213861just_let_goParticipantHi Anita, Hi Inky, thanks for the replies.
Anita, well, when you put it like that, it does seem rather transparent. I guess part of me is still in denial. It just crushes me to think that my mental illness, and sexual problems were the cause of this. Every day I blame myself, beat myself up and wish I could have found a way to cure these things. During the relationship, I tried SO hard to improve on my issues, but it just wasn’t enough.
Inky, wow, I’m sorry your boss had to be so insensitive. Yes, you’re right about that. That part really hurt. I had noticed signs leading up to it.
I find it so hard to even comprehend dating someone else right now. It’s been a month, and I’m still very much NOT over her. I constantly think about “what ifs” and about the times before it got tough. Even a month prior, everything was great. I remember being on a road trip together, and we were literally talking about how strong we’d become as a couple. How happy we were, and how much we loved each other. It’s crazy that a month later it was over.
I also cling onto how unsure she was. One minute she wanted to get back together, then she doesn’t, then she isn’t sure, then she is POSITIVE we will be getting back together, then we break up. She once told me, “I always do this in relationships” Talk about breaking up, then regretting it, and questioning why she even wanted to. I keep thinking maybe she’ll come back, which simply adds fuel to the fire, and prolongs my healing. I wish I could fast forward a few months.
June 24, 2018 at 6:01 am #213879AnonymousGuestDear just_let_go:
You are welcome. When under the influence of strong emotion we don’t see the whole picture, only a corner of it, as if the corner was the whole picture. And so, we don’t see reality as it was or as it is now. The corner you are looking at the beginning of your recent post is your mental illness and sexual problems as if they were the only problems (“my mental illness, and sexual problems were the cause of this”).
The parts of the picture you didn’t have in mind when stating the above is her failure to communicate with you (“she never gave us the chance to at least discuss everything that had been going on”), and her often changing position (“One minute she wanted to get back together, then she doesn’t.. then she is positive we will.. then we break up. She once told me, “I always do this in relationships‘”
So the whole picture is that you have mental issues, sexual problems (that didn’t stop her from having a two year loving relationship with you before the breakup, correct?) and lack of communication on her part and often changing position that happened in her relationships before she met you.
anita
June 24, 2018 at 7:57 pm #213951just_let_goParticipantOh, absolutely. Every flaw, issue, tendency is pushed to the side when you’re in love.
This is all true. There were many other traits and tendencies she had which I was not a fan of. Some of them were very detrimental to our relationship, but they were all things we spoke about and worked on.
I guess none of it even matters. At the end of the day, I’m still sitting here on the verge of tears, just because I’m thinking about her. I seem to do okay when I’m busy, but she comes into my mind at every moment possible. Every time I see her name I feel the need to burst into tears. At the end of every day, when I get into bed, it’s just a reminder that I’m alone. That she isn’t lying there where she used to. Great, now I’m actually crying. I just miss her, more than I can put into words. I spend 90% of my work day alone, and I can never keep busy enough to stop her from making her way into my head. Before I know it I’m thinking about the time we travelled New Zealand late last year. How we ate at an amazing restaurant, watched the sunset, and how she just stared at me and told me she loved me.
All of these memories haunt me wherever I go.
June 25, 2018 at 4:26 am #213987AnonymousGuestDear just_let_go:
It is that emotional attachment that makes it so difficult to “just let go”. You formed an emotional attachment to her. It is a strong attachment and the pain once separated from the object of your attachment is as strong.
Understanding anything rationally doesn’t undo the emotional attachment. What to do? Give it time and be kind to yourself during this time. Don’t expect to be over her anytime soon, so accept and expect to miss her for some time, a long time, longer than you’d like.
Instead of hating feeling the way you do, resisting it, trying not to… relax into it best you can. Don’t resist it. Let it be. And post anytime.
anita
June 25, 2018 at 9:26 pm #214147just_let_goParticipantHi again Anita.
Haha, yes, my name on here also serves as a reminder for many aspects of my life.
I have been keeping a diary, and I have written similar things. My last entry I wrote something I thought made a lot of sense out of this mess, and also made me laugh. Here is part of it:
“It’s like I am slowly moving forward on an imaginary scale, at about 0.5 millimetres per day, and some days, jumping back a whole centimetre. I know it’s important to feel all of this pain. Accept that it hurts, and will continue to hurt. I almost need to take this pain with me. It’s like a tired mum, who has to do the shopping, but has to take her shitty, misbehaving, screaming child along with her. She is tired, ready to explode, and sometimes wants to leave the kid behind, but she doesn’t. She just does the shopping, and gets on with her day.”
June 26, 2018 at 2:33 am #214173AnonymousGuestDear just_let_go:
I am curious about your example of the tired mum shopping with her “sh***, misbehaving, screaming child… wants to leave the kid behind”- is this your personal experience with your mother?
anita
June 26, 2018 at 2:59 am #214179just_let_goParticipantHi Anita,
No! Haha, not at all. My mum was nothing like that. I just scribble down the first things that come into my head in that diary, and that happened to be the first euphemism that came to mind,
June 26, 2018 at 3:04 am #214185AnonymousGuestDear just_let_go:
You compared your pain of the breakup to a screaming, misbehaving child a mother takes shopping. Meaning the nature of your pain is very loud, a screaming of sorts, a great annoyance?
anita
June 27, 2018 at 9:19 pm #214505just_let_goParticipantHi Anita,
I think you’re reading into it a bit much 🙂
The comparison was meant to be more about the fact that both the mother, and myself, need to take something with us that can be exhausting, frustrating ect, but we both just have to accept that and get on with life.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by just_let_go.
June 28, 2018 at 3:36 am #214517AnonymousGuestDear just_let_go:
I am re-reading your description then: “I almost need to take this pain with me. It’s like a tired mum, who has to do the shopping, but has to take her shitty, misbehaving, screaming child along with her. She is tired, ready to explode, and sometimes wants to leave the kid behind, but she doesn’t . She just does the shopping, and gets on with her day”.
A side comment: I was/ am troubled by the italicized, with no relation to the topic of your thread. Just the term. I hope this is not and will not be the way you view your own child in the future, if you have a child, at any time, no matter what the child does.
Outside my side comment, I understand your comparison, having to keep on with the tasks of living regardless of the pain, having to endure it and focus on the tasks of the day. A good comparison, once recovering from what the italicized triggered in me.
anita
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This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by
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