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Draining relationship

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • March 30, 2016 at 4:42 am #100466
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi lookingtothestars,

    I’m sorry you can’t get away from her! Well… You can be direct with her (what advice givers are supposed to say: “Talk to her about the problem”)… You can also be nice and polite, but see if you can’t sit with someone else, or read a book, put headphones on, close your eyes (napping). When she starts in, you have a headache, or a sore throat. Or bring other people into your conversation. Or introduce her to other people. You know. Change the script. See if YOU not being always available to talk snaps her out of this.

    And cheer up! The school year is almost over!

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    March 30, 2016 at 6:50 am #100469
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You could try distancing yourself away from this person. She doesn’t seem to be a positive influence in your life and she’s also very clingy. To quote a cliche, she has to love herself before falling in love with anyone else.

    March 30, 2016 at 7:56 am #100473
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lookingtothestars:

    I find myself criticizing others for the same things I suffered from or still do. For example I had great trouble asserting myself in the past. Still working on it. Yet, when I see a person who has trouble asserting himself, I feel annoyed.

    I hate to see in another what I don’t like about myself. And it seems that this phenomenon is very common.

    So every time I feel annoyed with someone lack of assertiveness, or any other trait that I dislike in myself, I turn the figurative finger I am pointing at the other person, and direct it at myself, saying to myself: I don’t like behavior X in myself, and it is important for me to practice behavior Y instead.

    What do you think?

    anita

    March 30, 2016 at 10:12 am #100486
    Kupono
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice!

    Inky, I will definitely try those methods and will be talking to her about the whole situation soon, hopefully she’s open to what I have to say.

    Aiyana, I have been doing some distancing just for the sake of myself. If this keeps up I may have to distance myself altogether to let her figure things out a bit.

    Anita, empathy is such a great tool, isn’t it? I have tried employing this technique a few times but it does get frustrating, I understand where you’re coming from and I’m working on it!

    Thanks again everyone 🙂

    March 30, 2016 at 10:15 am #100487
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lookingtothestars:

    You are welcome, and please update us with what is next… Take care of yourself first. Any relationship you keep needs to be a win for you and a win for the other person, a Win-Win.

    anita

    March 30, 2016 at 11:02 pm #100543
    Kupono
    Participant

    Hi again,

    So I have tried distancing myself from her today for my own sanity and for the most part it worked well, but I am now finding out she is overly emotional and dramatic about the whole situation. She has been explaining to people that I am upset with her [which I somewhat am] and am ignoring her and they are beginning to think that I am at fault for her array of negative feelings. I am at a loss here. I need to distance myself in order to preserve my own peace of mind and let her grow as a person but I am being combatted with negative feelings of people who do not understand the situation.

    Where do I go from here?

    March 30, 2016 at 11:24 pm #100545
    Em
    Participant

    Hi

    Just be assertive and tell her how the relationship (her behavior) is affecting it.

    Say that – I feel ………
    When you (friends behavior, what you want to be changed)
    I want ……

    Good luck

    March 31, 2016 at 10:01 am #100560
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lookingttothestars:

    You wrote in your update that “She has been explaining to people that I am upset with her [which I somewhat am] and am ignoring her..”

    Then she crossed the line from being your friend to not being your friend the moment she turned to other people so to get them on … her side and against your side. At this point, because she made that move, I would cut contact with her so here is no longer a relationship with her at all.

    anita

    March 31, 2016 at 12:08 pm #100572
    Kupono
    Participant

    Anita and renascent,

    I will explain to her why it is affecting me and why I need to do what I am doing to give her some closure and help her to understand.

    Thank you for everything

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